We Ruthlessly Rated All Of ‘The Bachelorette’ Blokes & Nothing Is Sacred
Holy hell. The Bachelorette is back in a big way and tonight we met some truly baffling contestants.
There was a guy who reckons he looks like Zac Efron. And a dude who brought an actual crocodile. Then there’s Jess, who is the walking embodiment of LYNX Africa: trying too hard, putting women off and leaving a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
We met 20 fellas tonight and two were sent packing, so here is how we rated the boys we’re about to become obsessed with this season.
Jackson, 25, NSW
AKA The Pie Assassin
Jackson works at his family’s pie business and OH BOY DOES THE MAN LOVE PIES. He just can’t get enough of that meat-filled pastry. It sends him wild.
Awkwardly, he rocked up with a meat pie to present to our Bachy. Angie does not eat meat and is coeliac. ‘EAT NO MEAT?!’ his brow furrows. Did he mean to almost poison our Bachy? This is unclear. Is it super easy to google whether Angie is indeed coeliac? Yes it is. You make up your own mind.
Would I swipe right? It’s a no from me. He’s been….pied. Get it?? GET?? IT??
Jamie, 39, NSW
AKA Jarrod 2.0
Jamie is a fireman. Did you hear he was a fireman? I wasn’t sure but then he arrived dressed as a fireman and indeed it was not merely a costume, he is a fireman. He told us this.
Aside from carrying in a puppy, which tbh is just cheating at this game, Jamie comes across as a little too obsessed with Angie. From the moment he met her, he just had to talk to her alone, he needed SEVEN + THREE MINUTES, at least! He’ll time it on his fireman watch!
But for realz, he seemed like a sensitive soul but I’m worried he’s destined for heartbreak.
Would I swipe right? If his profile pic was him in a fireman uniform holding a puppy I’d be doing a disservice to my gender to say no.
Adam, 34, QLD
AKA Probz Plays Sax
This dad of two boasts that he’s “almost 100 kilograms but largely lives a vegan/vegetarian diet”, but we didn’t hear shit from him tonight. He seems fine but should maybe run a hairbrush through that blonde nightmare of his. And stop dressing like a magician.
Would I swipe right? He’s got a creepy uncle vibe, the kind that invites himself to your 18th birthday and tries to take selfies with all your mates with a disposable camera. So, that’s a no.
Alex, 26, QLD
AKA Cute Boy No Talkie
We learned basically nothing about Alex tonight but we know he’s cute and that’s what’s important. Apparently he’s never been in a relationship before, I thought this was weird until he gifted Angie a hideous dog pot with dying plant inside and now I get it. Maybe just a voucher next time, buddy.
Would I swipe right? Yes. I have eyes.
Timm, 27, VIC
AKA The Winner
Timm arrived on the red carpet like a total wifey. He got the sweeping music and came in carrying a massive bunch of sunflowers, which happens to be Angie’s fave flower. I’m more of a daffodil girl myself, but nobody asked ME, did they.
Anyways, this randomly shared flower preference is taking me straight back to when Chelsie met Matt on The Bachelor. They are obviously soul mates, either that or sunflowers must be discounted at the moment.
When asked by Angie what he was looking for, Timm replied with umm, “Share moments with someone.” Angie said this was “deep” even though it absolutely was not, so she must be under some kind of love spell. “I’ve been in love and I know how it feels, it’s sick!” he later told Angie at the cocktail party. I really can’t wait to watch their love story unfold ‘cos it’s going to be peak bogan.
Would I swipe right? The hair is…a lot. I think that would put me off BUT his smile is gorgeous.
Carlin, 30, NSW
AKA The Runner-Up
Carlin is a name, a name of a man that has the kind of face that when he’s not right in front of me, I lose all memory of him. But from my hazy recollection, I think he was pretty. After their brief meeting Angie admitted to having a “school girl crush” on him, and that he “smelt like heaven,” which I guess means he smelt like Rob Mills covered in custard (just me?).
Most importantly, Carlin got the fairytale music when he entered. Usually this screams wifey BUT I found it was super similiar to Elly’s soundtrack, so remember we’ve been burnt before. Later in the night he pulled Angie aside to serenade her. Sure, it was a shitty song but Angie lapped it up. He’ll go to the end but I don’t expect him to win.
Would I swipe right? Nah. He is the opposite of my type because he looks like he baths regularly.
Ciarran, 25, NT
AKA Horny Spice
British export Ciarran is A LOT, I thought I was going to hate him but I find him frustratingly charming. “You look dynamite, don’t cha?!” he screamed at Angie as he approached. How does an accent make that creepy sentiment sound cute?
He described his look as a ‘sexual Willy Wonka’ and he ain’t wrong. He can tour my factory anytime. He has zero chance of winning but he’ll bring some spice.
Would I swipe right? Tbh, if a guy says he’s British in his bio and doesn’t look like a troll, that’s an instant yes from me ‘cos I’m cultured like that. Innit, gov’na?
Glenn, 31, WA
AKA Mr. Squiggle
I don’t know much about Glenn other than him giving Angie a creepy as hell portrait. Angie commented back “I look so freakin’ cool” which I’ve decoded as a call for help. I hope the producers escorted him off the premises.
Would I swipe right? I would not but I’d recommend him and Abbie link up. They’ve really cornered the cursed portrait market. Take it to Shark Tank.
Jesse, 31, WA
AKA Man In Suit
I can confirm this man wore a suit.
Would I swipe right? Who?
Haydn, 32, NSW
AKA Man With This Face
This guy DEFINITELY has this face. What a face. What a man. Also, it’s spelt Hayden, not Haydn. Awkward.
Would I swipe right? Whomst?
Kayde, 25, WA
Zac Efron Lite
Kayde is a car salesman and he speaks and acts exactly like a car salesman. He arrived dressed as a lifeguard but more specifically Zac Efron as a lifeguard, who he slightly resembles but only in the way that I resemble Jennifer Lawrence because we are both white women with legs, arms and faces.
Would I swipe right? I should say no BUT I can’t resist that truly extra hair-flipping entrance he made. He is a trash bag, and I am a garbage disposal.
Matt, 27, QLD
AKA BMX Barbie
Matt is a BMX stunt rider from Queensland and cycled up the red carpet like he was riding some kind of majestic white horse. He seemed super nervous and stuttered out something about wanting him and Angie to “ride off into the sunset together”…on a BMX bike. Like, just one bike? Tandem? I have questions!
Would I swipe right? Nope. I imagine he would have him cycling in one of his profile pictures and that’s an immediate red flag for me. I don’t want a potential partner to ever think I wish to participate in anything active when all I do is hate-watch bad TV and inhale Tim Tams.
Mitch, 31, QLD
AKA This Guy Right Here
There he is!
Would I swipe right? I regret to inform you: no.
Niranga, 28, QLD
AKA The Joker (I dunno???)
I hope we see great things from Niranga. Will he be the funny guy? Will he provide hilarious commentary? Become the Jules of this season? We don’t actually know any of these answers but he made one single joke about clearly not being Angie’s brother…but boy did we laugh. DID WE LAUGH.
Would I swipe right? I don’t see why not.
Scot, 27, NSW
AKA Angry Eyebrows
Those sure are some eyebrows you have there. Once again, it’s spelt Scott, not Scot.
Would I swipe right? The eyebrows have hypnotised me! I’ve succumbed to their power! I must right swipe!
Tom, 31, QLD
AKA Guy Standing Below
I’m sure he has a great personality.
Would I swipe right? I’m leaning to no.
Warwick, 36, QLD
He seems nice.
Seriously producers, you only showed half of the men actually speaking?? Help a recapper out??
Would I swipe right? I hardly know her.
Jess, 36, QLD
This guy rocked up in a cape, which was a worrying start. Is he a king? Does he have a royal blood line? He then gave Angie (a woman he barely knows) the key to his front door, which is firstly creepy, secondly just irresponsible from the King of Noosa.
He kept his cape on all night making sassy comments like he’s been training to be a reality TV villain all his life. The final nail in his coffin for me was when he actually asked “Who’s Osher?” THROW HIM INTO THE SEA.
Would I swipe right? I’d rather eat my own face off.