‘The Bachelorette’ Final Countdown: See You In Fiji, Bill

Hello, and welcome to the final week: the final week of The Bachelorette and the final shreds of sanity of everyone who has worked on this whole extravaganza ever since the Honey Badger graced out screens back on August 15.

It’s been months, but it’s felt like actual years.

Tonight’s Bachelorette episode was all about the final dates with the top 3.

Final dates with the top 3 was what I also called my back-to-back Uber Eats deliveries before I commenced a summer shred. Anyway, here’s what went down in the episode.

Todd’s date was a literal fairytale, to throwback to that time he came dressed as a knight in shiny, squeaky plastic armour.

Ali picked him up in a horsedrawn carriage but didn’t pretend she lost her shoe. Instead, she took him to the very romantic activity of… fencing.

Todd won the poking competition, and the two celebrated by making out a lot.

They then got changed into formal attire to talk about their feelings, while Todd teased on-camera that he had something important to drop.

Drop your love on me, Todd.

It should be a universal sign that when people need to talk about their feelings they must dress up. Like, imagine you’ve had a fight with your boo and they come back downstairs in a suit, then you know shit’s about to go down.

Todd told Ali he was in love with her.

“I love you too,” I whispered to him, leaving a sticky Nutella handprint on my laptop screen.

Anyway, it was very beautiful, and Todd is so pure and it’s gonna suck watching him get his heart crushed.

Ali took Taite to an obstacle course on their date, in the hopes it’d help him overcome his emotional obstacles. They did a lot of talking.

He hasn’t dropped the L-bomb yet, and she’s ready for it! In fact, she even said she “literally pees herself” with excitement when she sees Taite, and if that’s not true love I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, I made out with my Nutella jar. I’m fine, thanks for asking.

Later on, they set up shop in a jacuzzi that looked like it was imported directly from The Sims 2.

But no Woohooing here, fam! We’re here to talk FEELINGS.

Taite struggled to tell Ali he was in love with her, because… well, he’s not just yet.

He does tell Ali all these nice things about seeing himself with her and that she makes him so happy etc. yet she’s still not impressed. “I feel all the things leading up to love when I’m with you?” Taite tried, while Ali stared daggers.

Damn girl, just take what you can get.

Ironically, that’s also my Nonna’s favourite thing to say to me.

Here are my notes for Ali’s date with Bill:

The biggest thing of note was when Ali pulled this face when Bill said his friends (including Amy from the dog park) loved her:

Ali later confronted Bill about Amy from the dog park and asked if they had ever dated.

Bill was like, “nah man, never dated!” then Ali was like, “mmm sounds fake, because she said you did.” Bill then said he had “been with her” which I believe means doing the sex.

I bet Amy from the dog park is thrilled to have this splashed all over national TV. I also bet Amy from the dog park’s dad who’s house they all had dinner at is also super thrilled.

Oh! Also! Bill told Ali he was falling in love with her and she looked… thrilled:

Somewhere Charlie is gleefully rubbing his hands, next to his Bill voodoo doll.

So, in an elimination that shocked no one, Ali said goodbye to Bill at the rose ceremony.

And she was still more emotional saying bye to Robert back in the day. Sorry Bill.

Bill, bless his poor idiotic soul, asked Ali where it all went wrong, and Ali talked about the hurdles they had to overcome, which I guess were… Amy from the dog park?

See you all tomorrow night for the FINALE!!

I’m cooling the Passion Pop as we speak.