We Mercilessly Rated The Boys From Tonight’s ‘Bachelorette’ Premiere & Nothing Is Sacred
It’s my favourite night of the year! It’s The Bachelorette premiere, where we meet the men who will monopolise our everyday lives for the foreseeable future.
And oh boy, where the hell did they find these guys?! There are some truly loose units that have been cast this year and many who simply could not compute two women being on this show…at the same time. I could make a collage of all the confused faces greeting Elly and Becky tonight and it would be high art. Many preferred to compartmentalise their time, speaking to one sister while ignoring the other like she was an optical illusion. Men are truly wild.
As is tradition, now that we’ve met the 20 fellas who will be duking it out for the sisters’ time, we simply must rate each of them based on merely a few minutes of getting to know them on tonight’s premiere.
It’s time to get savage! We make no apologies!
We rated all the boys on from tonight’s The Bachelorette premiere and nothing is sacred.
Frazer
AKA Elly’s Hubby
This guy wins. It’s obvious. Frazer is ridiculously handsome and that’s simply enough for this show. He was very nervous on the red carpet, and the women could barely squeeze a word out of him. This appeared to be an awkward encounter, but instead Elly found it endearing??? Elly loves him. When asked about himself, all he could say is, “I like the sunshine!” which impressed Elly??? Elly loves him.
I don’t know exactly what Elly sees in Frazer but I do know that he will win. In his bio, when asked what his biggest turn-ons are, he replied, “A great personality and a beautiful face,” and Elly has at least half those things! A personality and a face! They are about to make Australia’s most vanilla couple. Teeth whitening spon-con come at them!
Would I swipe right: He is hot, and dating apps are a deeply superficial platform…so yes.
Harry
AKA Elly’s Runner-Up
Harry seemed lovely at first, but after he got awarded the first impression’s rose, he became drunk on power with the ability to choose another guy to join his double date. I didn’t like this side of Harry. Other than that, we didn’t find out much about him during tonight’s episode, and he omitted the fact he’s a father! That’s right, he has a five-year-old — a secret love child maybe?! Who knows! We don’t!
There’s also another dark secret of his that I uncovered. In his bio, he lists his biggest turn-on as a “cheeky smile” and his biggest turn-off is “bad teeth” so he clearly has some kind of dental fetish. Hopefully he’s on the show for love and not to harvest teeth to build an army of (secret love) children: all with devilish but cheeky smiles.
Would I swipe right: No way! Keep your greedy mitts off my chompers!
Adam
AKA Matt Agnew 2.0
Adam is my favourite, and not just because he gifted the women a small rock but he seems to have no clue that he is extremely hot. He has never seen himself in the mirror! He has no clue! He’s no dumb bitch either, he’s a geologist and his bio says that he brought science books to keep himself entertained in the mansion. I find this adorable and I’m hoping he clicks with one of the women or I plan on entering the mansion disguised as a large pile of pebbles to seduce him.
He’s also super self-conscious which is my kink. “Do I give bad vibes also being a scientist?” he asked Elly tonight, feeling insecure that he would remind her of Matt from The Bachelor. “Why did I study rocks?!” he shouts at the ground, cursing the earth for being so fascinating.
Would I swipe right: Hell yes! I’m mad for a hot geek and Matt ain’t replying to my DMs.
Shannon
AKA Becky’s Runner-Up
Shannon’s entrance was given the hubby edit but I know better. He isn’t the winner, he is either the runner-up or destined for a sassy walkout. Shannon said in his bio that his most embarrassing habit is his “unhealthy obsession with singing shows.” Shannon is the kind of person who comes prepared for karaoke with a discography of Bon Jovi songs.
Another thing I’m suss about is this guy looks waaaay too familiar to me. I’d swear he was one of the River Boys on Home and Away and I’m 97% sure Alf once kicked him out of the diner. He told Becky that he respected her bond with Elly and when they were speaking about each other at the rose ceremony, he admitted he “was getting a bit watery.” Watery? Water? Water like a river? Water, like the inspiration for iconic bad Bay gang called the River Boys?? It’s all adding up. Anyways, he got picked for a country rose double date, so it’s likely he’ll be sticking around for a while.
Would I swipe right: I think TF not, the River Boys bring nothing but trouble to the Bay. Run, sis(ters).
Sam
AKA Becky’s Hubby
Sam made a bizarre first impression. He arrived with a basket filled with nothing that was carried by helium balloons and told the women he was there to “bring a bit of magic”. Does he think the balloons were levitating in the air because of supernatural forces?! I think so! Then he thought one of the sisters was Osher, so it’s clear that he’s easily confused.
I was ready to write off Sam until his private chat with Becky where he revealed that he might be hubby material. He’s charismatic and kind and I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the season’s dark horse.
Would I swipe right: He’s not my type BUT I found him super charming, so why TF not.
Jake
AKA Cupid’s Side Bitch
This guy sucks. When asked by a producer why he dressed as cupid, he replied, “Because I’m a lover, I’m all about the love, I’m all about the loooove,” and I vomited in my mouth, before I put my television in the dishwasher.
Earlier on he tried to shoot a rose at Elly and Becky, before speaking nonsense as they laughed in his face. I guess Cupid’s rose-arrow aim is shithouse because Harry was picked for the first impression rose. Bye bitch.
Would I swipe right: Nope. This guy reminds of every dude who followed me on Instagram after I unmatched him on Tinder.
Andrew
AKA David Andrewborough
Andrew cheerfully walked up to the girls and went in for a group hug, awkwardly embracing both women at the same time like some superfan. I wasn’t sure about him until he started doing that classic David Attenborough narration gag and it was genuinely funny. It helped that some guy on the show actually thinks he’s a dolphin which is just some incredible casting.
Anyways, Andrew is great. His bio is the most interesting one of the whole bunch, I learned that he studied ballet for five years, is learning to play the ukulele, and has packed Shakespeare to read in the mansion. He’s truly a renaissance man and admits he doesn’t get along with “guys who are too masculine,” adding, “I’ve never really been ‘one of the lads’ and I feel like some men struggle to talk about their feelings.”
I love him. He needs to stay on this show as long as possible.
Would I swipe right: Yes, I couldn’t resist this eclectic king.
Trent
AKA Sparkles McGee
I was immediately attracted to this man because he arrived dressed as a sexy Phantom of the Opera (another kink of mine), but then he had to go and refer to Elly and Becky as “two birds”. Big yikes. Maybe he’s just misunderstood? In his bio, he complained about feeling misjudged. “Girls will say I’m a player, which I am not,” said Trent, a player.
Would I swipe right: Nah. For the first time in my life, I won’t be swayed by sparkles.
Agostino
AKA Agostino The Amazing™
This man reckons he’s a business owner, but with a name like Agostino, long hair, and a shimmering, striped suit, he simply has to be a sexy magician. He actually goes by the name Aggi (which is also how I describe my mood every morning) and founded his own men’s skincare brand called Woodsman. It turns out his greatest magic trick is making bad skin disappear? I’m impressed.
Would I swipe right: I love magicians, so yes. I hope he can pull me a McFlurry out of his hat and then make my HECS debt disappear.
Damien
AKA Mr Perfect
This guy is dressed like a waiter and I’m offended he didn’t serve hors d’oeuvres tonight. What he did bring with him was a bouquet of daffodils, as apparently that’s the flowers his dad brought his mum on their first date. Whatever. I dunno, he seems too perfect.
In his bio, the 31-year-old says he just froffs watching rom-coms. “I grew up with two little sisters, so they were always on,” Damien revealed. Again, toooooo perfect. I’m not buying it.
Would I swipe right: Nah. He’s got that overly preppy, clean-cut look and I generally only go for guys who dress exclusively in boards shorts and band tees, rarely shower, and haven’t washed their hair since Tony Abbott was PM.
James
AKA Gossip Girl
James was super confused by the show’s concept and thought Becky had stumbled onto set and was hanging around until Osher arrived to chase her away. Once he got his bearings, James became a messy bitch at the cocktail party. He was very excited to find out that Joe already knew Elly, and spread that hot goss around the mansion like wildfire. Call him Lonely Boy because James will be the mansion’s resident gossip girl.
Would I swipe right: Nah. He seems like the kind of guy whose profile pics are nothing but gym selfies and he can only describe his personalty through food emojis.
Rudy
AKA Massimo Lite
I think….I think…Rudy might be Italian. Hard to say. But what may have given it away was the fact he immediately asked Elly and Becky if they’ve ever been to Italy. It turns out they have been to Lake Garda in Northern Italy and he is FROM Lake Garda in Northern Italy and merely recapping this conversation about Italy is enough to send me to la dormita! (That’s the Italian word for sleep, keep up!)
In his bio, Rudy says that his deal-breaker is a girl “looking for drama” which is a massive red flag for me. This is usually something said by men who treat women like crap and then call them “crazy” or “psycho” when they react. Saying that, he IS hot as hell and his good looks tied with his sexy Italian accent are giving me strong Massimo from 365 Days vibes.
Would I swipe right: I am a lost baby girl and now I am found!
Saj
AKA Wholesome Boy
Saj is such a sweet and wholesome boy, he legit high-fived the Bachelorettes, before laying out a rug and telling Elly and Becky about his childhood growing up in Afghanistan. His bio painted an even more impressive picture, as Saj is pursuing a double degree in international relations and social work, and says that the one thing that really gets under his skin is someone “disrespecting women”.
Ooft. We simply have to stan forever.
Would I swipe right: Saj is waaaaaay too good for this whole shitshow but hell yes, I would.
AB
AKA Ivan’s Nemesis
Tonight AB danced up a storm, and tbh — he can truly move. He is the first guy to dance for The Bachelorette since Ivan and since he is much better, I’m sure Ivan is shaking right now. Our avocado-blending dancing king has been replaced. His aspirations of Step Up glory are all but a distant dream.
I found it funny that AB completely blanked Elly on the rose petal carpet and said it was because he was focused on Becky’s red dress. He can speak five languages but can’t see the colour gold. Elly became merely a shiny mirage. AB seemed confused by the sister situation and then danced away. He is chaotic but fun. Sadly, he noped out of the rose ceremony so we won’t see him again. Ivan is smiling. He will dance another day.
Would I swipe right: I’d swipe right for him but he’d probably block me after we match. Got to keep ’em on their toes.
Pascal
AKA This Guy Right Here
This guy is definitely a contestant on The Bachelorette. That’s for sure. I have so many memories and impressions of him, I just can’t choose one!
Would I swipe right: Would I! Would I? (I wouldn’t.)
Joe
AKA Elly’s Ol’ M8
Joe is a cheater. He already knows Elly, in fact she calls him ‘Joey’ so their relationship is nickname-level intimate. Elly admits he has an “unfair advantage” as not only did he used to live with her bestie back in Newcastle, but they’ve been on a couple of dates.
Joe described Elly as a “perfect chick” and “the one who got away”, which is also how I described my Nando’s tender that I dropped on the floor earlier, but that loss was much more devastating.
I think we’re supposed to consider Joe a threat, however I see him destined for stage-five clinger-dom.
Would I swipe right: I’m sure Joe is lovely but I’ve never swiped right on a man wearing a flanno. No offence, but it’s true.
Nick
AKA This Man With This Face
Dead to me. Never existed.
Would I swipe right: No. Sorry to this man.
Samuel
AKA Deserved Better
Samuel is an absolutely chaotic human-dolphin hybrid, and I really wish he stayed on the show because he should be scientifically studied. In the limo on the way over, he practiced making a goose breeding call to seduce the sisters. He later made a guinea pig noise, before his iconic dolphin impression took the floor.
He clearly has a spiritual connection with animals and his bio says that he also has psychic abilities, so Samuel was probably the llamas’ last chance at communicating with us. Do they want to be TV stars? Do they detest human love stories? Do they hate Osher? I can see it in their eyes!
Would I swipe right: Yup. His flawless impersonation of a dolphin sealed the deal for me.
Pete
AKA Too Normal Guy
When greeted by Elly and Becky, Pete simply said, “Wow, there’s TWO people!” which is probably the most relatable reaction from tonight’s whole premiere. Other than that, he was dare I say…too normal!
Would I swipe right: Nope. He is waaaay too normie for me as I’m only attracted to weirdos.
Adrian
AKA Steampunk Spice
Upon meeting the women, Adrian said to camera, “Two chicks! Double trouble! Good for all the guys!” which sounded very unnerving. Aside from this, we learned basically nothing about Adrian but his outfit is enough to win me over because as said above, I like weirdos and this guy definitely doesn’t own shoes.
Would I swipe right: Why not? I like his feathered steampunk hat, it’s whimsical and mysterious and he looks like he drives an antique unicycle or has a pet wombat named Celeste. I’m intrigued!!! (And desperately bored/single.)