‘The Bachelorette’ Hometown Edition: The One Where Charlie Mansplained The Show To Ali

Well, we’ve officially got one week to go until that sweet, sweet freedom and the Bachy prison releases us all for another year.

What will you do with your free Wednesday/Thursday nights? Personally, I plan to keep using “Sorry, Bachelor night!” to all my unsuspecting Tinder matches and never leave the house again.

Tonight’s hometown visits saw the first two approach the usual formula: Ali and man have a great time, man introduces Ali to his family, the family grill Ali and put her under pressure, dramatic music plays, and eventually everyone falls in love with each other.

But thankfully this season, our mates at Ch 10/Warner have decided to shake things up for us with the last two hometown visits and flip everything UPSIDE FUCKING DOWN.

OK let’s debrief.

Todd was up first. He took Ali to his special waterfall.

Hopefully I’ll be the second girl Todd takes to his special waterfall.

The two go hiking, which is right up Ali’s alley (I didn’t mean to do that but I’m going to roll with it) because she wants to go hiking with her future hubby and kids around this time next year.

Ali met Todd’s family which included his very protective older sisters. It appeared they’d be eating chopped spring onion for dinner.

Such a small meal for so many people.

DUN DUN <— that’s dramatic music.

Todd’s sister told the producers she didn’t think he and Ali were a good match and then quizzed Ali if she was on her show for “career advancements” which I assume is a fancier way of saying “Instagram endorsements.”

Ali told Todd’s sisters that she desperately wants to settle down and doesn’t care all that much about promoting flat tummy tea. She just wants a man, goddamn it!

Any flat tummy tea brands reading this, I’ll promo you if you send me some. Don’t worry about sending me any men.

Todd and Ali had a fairytale moment when he told Ali he was falling for her as it gently rained.

Ali even said extending her bonkers marriage/kids timeline (ASAP! ASAP! ASAP!) might be worth it for Todd, which is truly relatable. I’d also extend my “no dating ever” timeline for Todd too.

Taite was the second hometown visit and Ali greeted him like an excited, yet-to-be-desexed puppy.

Just before she started avidly humping his leg, Taite warned her that his lawyer sister would be ready to chuck her on the BBQ and give her a real good grilling.

Interlude: Taite’s bestie looks like a jacked up, steroid taking version of Todd.

Ali told Taite’s family that she loves the idea of love and Taite’s sister pulled this relatable face:

“This is quite a sterile and artificial situation,” Taite’s sister said, except I’m not sure if she’s describing the show or my love life right now.

Upon saying goodbye, Taite told Ali he’s leaving his balls in her court. Ali instead wanted Taite to fully admit he’s falling for her even though he’s basically gone in circles saying everything he possibly could minus dropping the L-bomb.

Anyway. If you’re still with me, strap yourselves in coz hometown visits go BONKERS from this moment.

Next up was Bill. Bill excitedly told Ali that she’s about to meet his “little dog”.

Like a real dog, you guys, that is not what Bill calls his junk. That we know of anyway.

He then dropped the bomb that his parents are overseas and his siblings are “too busy with work” to meet Ali.

This is wild because imagine going on a show to fall in love with someone, only to get to hometown visits and not have your siblings tear themselves away from their jobs for ONE DAY. I am begging my sister to go on The Bachelor next year so I can show up as the grumpy, single, drunk sister who yells, “BUT HOW DO WE TRUST YOU?” in the Bachy’s face.

Then Bill said what could be one of the most iconic lines of the season. That Ali will meet his best mates and his “friend” Amy who he “met at the dog park”… and that they’d be having dinner at “Amy’s dad’s house.”

Bitches, you better believe me when I said I screamed, except I’m at work so it was more of a strangled honking sound.

Things over dinner at Amy’s dad’s house were a little awkward.

Amy and Ali went off for a chat where Amy told Ali that she and Bill went on a “couple of dates” over a year ago. If there’s anything we’ve learned about people who went on “a couple of dates” about “a year ago” is that they’re liars. Cough, Honey Badger, cough.

Tbh at this stage I’m not convinced Bill is even a real person. I think he and his friends are producers in disguise just taking the piss.

Charlie started his date by telling us he was excited to have the tables flipped and have a chance to “scrutinise” Ali in his environment.

Very normal and natural behaviour!

The two had a nice paddle boarding date but Charlie ain’t there to pretend everything is “peachy creamy”…  His words, not mine.

Charlie decided it wasn’t the right time to introduce Ali to his family (or Dasha I guess) because he needed to know if things with them were 100% real, and he wouldn’t know until they were exclusive.

Charlie then told Ali he knew he could fall in love with her, but he couldn’t do it when she was dating other men and not solely committed to him.

I’ve never screamed “DUMP HIM” louder at the TV before.

“Do what you do best and go away and think about it,” Charlie told Ali. And ladies, gentlemen… our Bachy Queen was not impressed.

“Charlie is rearing his ugly head again and I’m sick of it,” Ali told us on camera. DUMP! HIM!

At the cocktail party, Ali decided to question Charlie.

“It’s not right in the real world, you’d call in unfaithful,” Charlie said about a show he willingly came on, knowing that the Bachelorette would be dating numerous men at once.

Ali read him to filth, calling out his control issues, and Charlie promptly responded by telling Ali how she should be feeling.

Then Charlie decided to mansplain the SHOW to Ali, as though this isn’t her third time on it.

Charlie seemed to be under the impression that unless Ali makes herself exclusive, like, ASAP, then she’s not feeling the right things for him. Then the following exchange happened.

Charlie: “Is this goodbye then?”
Ali: “You’re just fine with this?”
Charlie: “I had my doubts but you’ve given me clarity now.”
Ali: “It was a test?”
Charlie: “I know you don’t get that and that’s a real shame.”

Then our Queen finally does it. She tells Charlie to leave (get out!), leave (right now!).

Our final look at Charlie is him ranting about how Ali has made the same mistakes all over again. Sad!

I assume he went home to cuddle his blow up Bill doll.

Next week: Honestly who even knows what will happen anymore, all I know is I need a stiff drink.