12 Things That Happened On Tonight’s ‘Bachelorette’ If You Still Even Care

Welcome to finale week! Who has time to watch America crumble when Elly and Becky Miles are out here looking for love!

Tonight was Hometowns: Part Two, because the first one was so much fun, we just had to keep going.

To the one person who asked, I didn’t recap Hometowns: Part One last week because I was too busy hitting myself repeatedly over the head with a hot frying pan.

OK, let’s get into the nitty gritty. We know the formula by now when it comes to hometowns. There’s tension usually with one family member, but the leading lady smooths it over with her charming personality, and big, white smile, and everyone pashes and says things like “I think I’m falling for you?” after a producer shouts in their ear that they better start expressing some emotions.

Here’s what happened on Hometowns, Part Two.

1. Frazer greeted Elly and decided it was finally time to teach her how to play AFL.

I mean, do you need me to describe this to you? It was basically a lot of giggling, kicking the footy, and some steamy makeout sessions on the grass. “Haha!” Elly said to Frazer. “Ha!” he replied, not fully understanding the joke but rolling with it.

“The way I feel when I see Frazer is like walking on concrete for a week, then taking a step onto some soft green grass,” Elly beamed. OK firstly, what is that feeling? Are you not wearing shoes, Elly? Why are you walking on concrete for a week? Are you imitating everyone at my university, UOW, who decided shoes were an option, not a necessity? Wouldn’t you need a foot scrub before stepping off the concrete onto Frazer, the grass?

2. Frazer introduced Elly to his family and his mum Lorraine initially wasn’t having a bar of it.

Frazer explained his mum, who is a teacher, was a bit “old school” and she didn’t disappoint. She pulled this face after the Zoom call opened to Elly and Frazer kissing and it was iconic.

“It’s bizarre to see how young people are starting relationships these days,” she mused. Honestly, Lorraine, tell me about it! Lorraine probably hasn’t even seen the gritty world of Tinder or Hinge yet, let alone what happens on Snapchat or in Instagram DMs. She’s going to be horrified.

3. I’d love to see these two mums in a room together, tbh.

Just two icons who detest reality TV dating shows, but are forced to watch their spawn try to find love in front of the nation.

4. Elly won Lorraine over by telling her that Frazer reminded her and Becky of their dad.

Aaaand, it’s still weird!

5. Elly was very teary saying goodbye to Frazer so we all know he’ll win.

Frazer reckons their souls are touching every time they look into each other’s eyes, and I spent so long trying to picture what this would feel like. Unfortunately, my soul was sucked out by a Dementor called ‘Reality TV’ about five years ago and I don’t feel anything anymore.

Frazer told Elly he’s crazy about her and she got all emotional, thanking Frazer and saying it means “so much” because “she knows how hard it is” for him to, uh, communicate? I guess? Is this the bar we’re setting for straight men? Can you knock me unconscious with it?

6. For some reason we see Adrian in a slow-mo sequence going indoor bouldering.

I can only imagine this is what every guy on Tinder thinks he looks like.

7. Adrian’s older brother Jayden grilled Becky about her intentions.

Apart from his absolutely manic laugh, this was the usual vibe. “WhAt ArE yOuR iNtEnTiOnS?” etc.

The best part was when he opened with a spiel about all their ages, which went a little something like this:

Shut it down, Becky, you queen.

Jayden pressed Becky regarding the rumours that she was in a relationship and broke up with the guy because of the show. She admitted there was some truth to the speculation, saying she was dating someone but it wasn’t serious. TBH, it’s not every day a nobody gets the offer to be the Bachelorette. I, too, would dump anyone I’m casually seeing to lock down a forever man.

“Anyone you’re seeing?” shrieked my fucking-insane-old-as-shit neighbour Doris. “That’d require you getting ANY male attention, doll,” she squawked, laughing so hard she choked on her own saliva.

I will not go and resuscitate her this time. I will NOT.

8. Adrian told Becky he’s falling for her and wants to “lock her down” before giving her mouth-to-mouth.

Aussie men are so romantic.

9. For some reason, I thought the show had finished, then remembered I forgot about beautiful Adam maybe because we all know he’ll be going home.

Adam took Elly surfing, but it kinda just made me miss the most iconic ocean date of our time. This is the only surfing I want in my life.

10. Adam’s family called Elly “Ally” the whole time.

We learned it was the first time Adam has ever introduced his family to someone, and they couldn’t even call her the right name! No wonder they’ve never met any of Adam’s previous lady loves!

My two personalities laughing at my own jokes.

OK, so I guess apparently people in WA have weird accents and they pronounce Elly like Ally. I can now only assume they also pronounce other things weird like when they constantly write on Facebook, “Thanks for the SPOILERS, we’re three hours behind here!” it kinda sounds like “Thanks for the SPOILARS, wa’re thraaay hours bahind hareeee!”

Just kidding WA, open your borders to me. Please.

11. Adam suffered the “Apollo freeze” saying goodbye to All-sorry, Elly.

After saying in his piece-to-camera that his feelings for Elly have “grown exponentially”, he suffered the Curse of Apollo, stumbling over saying goodbye to Elly and expressing none of his feelings. And there weren’t even any goddamn BREADSTICKS to help him out to break the silence.

He then looked all sad and awkward, looking nervously towards the camera… and the place where my heart is allegedly meant to be HURT.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHHHGHHGHHHHH.

12. Ally… sorry Elly, sent beautiful, rock-loving, Adam home and this is why we can’t have nice things.

“I liked Elly, she made me feel really special,” Adam said sadly in the car ride down the driveway, before he was kicked out into the woods and forced to find his own way back to WA.

Anyway, BRB. I heard rumours Shannon is on Hinge, so I’m doing some detective work.

Tomorrow night: This whole Bachy series has been on since July 15, and tomorrow we’re all set free!