17 Things That Happened On The Premiere Of ‘The Bachelorette’
It’s our favourite time of year, folks! It’s time to scream “Ew, I’d NEVER date him” at your TV through a mouthful of chips, wiping crumbs off yourself straight onto the floor, as you deactivate Tinder for the 179th time.
I am, of course, trying to say that it’s time for The Bachelorette.
This year we’re on a special quest to see if Angie Kent (previously of Gogglebox and I’m A Celeb) will find everlasting love, or at least a semi-normal dude who doesn’t insist on listing his height as a personality requirement.
We may be only one episode in, but already Angie is proving to be one of the best Bachelorettes yet and that’s the tea.
Here’s everything that happened on tonight’s premiere of The Bachelorette.
1. We opened with an amazing showreel of Angie’s time on Gogglebox judging other Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants.
Yvie and Angie sat down with their dogs to discuss Angie’s journey ahead. “Over the last few years I’ve prioritised dogs over dudes,” Angie explained to us all. Honestly, she was on the right path.
Angie is a little shook at her own urge to find love after years of being a “ball-buster” who cringed at the thought of it. Huge mood.
2. Angie showed us her best Tonya Harding-style ice-skating outfit.
Angie told Osher that she is looking for a love so deep she can “squeeze their face off”. She also admitted she’s gone wrong in the past by getting stuck inside her head or just thinking with her lady parts instead of using her heart. Honestly… I. Fucking. Stan. This. Queen.
3. Timm is the first man out, his huge bunch of sunflowers as nearly as big as his hair.
Timm is literally every guy who ever attended the University of Wollongong. He tells Angie he’s “always so good” and ends his sentences with a hugely Aussie “aye”.
Angie is a huge believer in signs and sunflowers just HAPPEN to be her favourite flower… and Timm has a sunflower tattoo! It’s basically fate.
I can’t wait until the day a guy tells me My Chemical Romance is his favourite band and I can whip out my ‘Famous Last Words’ tattoo which I absolutely don’t regret getting 10 years ago, thank you very much.
4. We meet Carlin next, and I can’t believe all the single women and men of Australia are now married to Carlin.
Carlin seems like he’s literally just walked off the set of a new Netflix rom-com and stumbled across the mansion. If he isn’t Angie’s fairytale ending, he can absolutely be mine.
Carlin, if you’re reading this, please don’t take out a court order on me, I just think our future children could benefit from your good looks.
5. We then met firefighter Jamie who was holding a puppy. It was like a Bumble bio had appeared in real life.
As Jamie started going on about basically being a fan of Angie, she was too besotted by the puppy to even take in his face.
I mean, fair. The age-old saying “if his name begins with J, take the puppy and run sis” exists for a reason.
Regardless of the lack of attention Angie paid him, Jamie was pretty stoked on the fact he absolutely nailed his red carpet impression. “I feel like I’ll get attached to her quite fast,” he happily told the camera. Very normal!
6. We then get some cheeky villain music for Kayde, who really does spell his name like that.
He was a little shook that his Baywatch style entrance didn’t make Angie realise he was basically the Aussie version of Zac Efron.
Or as I now like to call it, the Kmart Zac Efron. Some girl has absolutely told Kayde once in a dingy pub at 2am that he looks EXACTLY like Zac Efron and he’s really taken it on board.
It’s like when I get drunk and get beer goggles on myself, and convince myself that with a nose job and some lip fillers I might one day resemble one of The Veronicas… then I sober up and realise the only thing we have in common is our height.
7. A group of men who barely get their names mentioned arrived with an array of gifts, including a pot plant and a baby crocodile — not a lizard! Like my recap notes originally said!
Thank God I get paid for writing these, my attention to detail is like no other.
We also need to point out some dude, Glenn, rocked up with this absolutely terrifying portrait of Angie:
Straight men are so, so baffling.
8. Enter Ciarran: He’s the one who described himself as a “sexual Willy Wonka”.
This is mildly terrifying because when you think about the whole point of Charlie and the chocolate factory, it was book/movie about Willy Wonka luring kids to their death.
Now I can only imagine Ciarran wants to lure the other men in the house to their chocolate-bath deaths… sexually, of course.
The other thing Ciarran is big on, apart from wearing vibrant suits and calling them sexual, is his skin routine. He admitted he doesn’t know what he’s putting on his face half the time, but it works. He even wants to give Angie a facial! Literally, he said “hopefully I can even give her a facial myself” before backtracking after he realised what that sounded like.
9. We fast forward through another few guys who obviously will only survive 1-2 weeks. Until Jess, a local politician, rocked up with a throne he can barely carry.
“Ahh my throne is too big,” he panted. Lmao Jess, you wish.
Apparently Jess is one step away from becoming the mayor of Noosa, which would be SUPER exciting if you were into boring AF stories. But if there’s one thing we know as gospel truth, it’s that you can’t trust a politician, so somehow I don’t think I’ll be getting too invested in runner-up Mayor Jess of Noosa.
10. Intermission: The other entrance worth mentioning is the Undercover Brother… Angie’s brother, Brad, who now goes by Mark.
Brad/Mark (Brark?) got the wifey music as he entered which was… hilariously gross.
Anyway, hello Brark. I am here, I am ready for you to do your undercover thing, I am already fantasising about you as Detective Stabler, I absolutely do not get out of the house much.
Let’s carry on.
11. At the cocktail party, Carlin reenacted Mack’s classic hit song for Angie.
Just kidding! He actually did write her a song which was quite sweet and while Angie admitted she’d normally HATE that, she was into it. That is, until Kmart Zac Efron came in to steal Carlin’s thunder and tried to serenade both of them.
It went down well:
Next time try some High School Musical Kmart Zac and get your bloody head in the game.
12. DUN DUN! It wasn’t long until we got our first Law & Order: Special Bachy Unit investigation for the night. Take a seat folks, I’ll try to make this as painless as possible.
Earlier in the night, Osher introduced the “24-hour rose” to the men – a special rose that gave the winner a 24-hour first date with Angie. Jamie went into an immediate spiral – the 24-hour rose became his one and only focus. At some stage runner-up Mayor Jess told someone that if he was offered the 24-hour rose (AS IF LOL!!!) he wouldn’t accept it.
Reminder, Jess is a grownass man still wearing a cape and seems to have the personality of the “throne” he insists carrying around with him – yes, essentially, I’m trying to say he’s empty.
Brad/Mark/Undercover Brother/Brark, repeated this message back to Angie so she was aware, but reiterated he didn’t hear that come from Jess’ mouth.
Angie decided to take Jess aside and ask straight-up if that’s what he said. He denied it. She gave him the benefit of the doubt. The special investigation was basically over as soon as it started. We didn’t get any sad Matt “I just got called a dog c**t” Agnew looking shots.
Truly devastating. Bring back Monique!
— Ira Snave (@IraSnave) August 14, 2019
13. Jess decided it was Jamie who spilt the beans to Angie and Jamie took it VERY personally.
“When people don’t trust me, I feel worthless,” Jamie told us. “I put a lot of effort into this process and I got blindsided.” I’m not sure if Jamie has gotten his shows mixed up, but I gotta say, he doesn’t sound cut out for Survivor whatsoever.
And so we had our first tears from the night, and no it wasn’t from us here at the Punkee office.
Jamie was so devastated about being blamed for something he didn’t do, that he had to go sadly sit by the fire and talk about how all his positivity had been drained from his now limp, lifeless body. Sounds like me recapping reality TV tbh.
14. The undercover brother was revealed and Brad/Mark/Brark gave Angie his top three picks to help her out with the 24-hour rose decision.
Osher pirouetted in, tapping his glass with his wedding ring to get the attention of the gentlemen – OK Osher, we get it, you found everlasting love!! – and told the guys someone in the house wasn’t who they said they were. He then took his Prawn mask off to reveal that he has been The Masked Singer this whole time!
Wild-haired Timm then delivered us the best line of the episode when he goes, “Is Angie’s dad wearing the cape? He’s like 50 years old and from Noosa.”
Brark took Angie aside and told her that he is super into Matt (BMX rider who doesn’t blink), Carlin (“super genuine”) and Jackson (the one who gave Angie a pie without knowing she’s a vego coeliac).
Angie asked about Timm, who previously described being in love as “sick”, and Brark said he didn’t get a full reading on him, maybe because Timm was too busy hiding in the bushes, perhaps looking for his 100 sunflowers that disappeared.
15. Handsome boy Carlin, Australia’s favourite new boyfriend, received the 24-hour rose.
I mean look at him. He sniffed it lovingly. It’s probably from the $2 shop down the road and smells of plastic, but still!
16. And we said goodbye to Josh (who didn’t bring a lizard!) and Oliver who… is… someone who… definitely… existed… briefly.
This was after Jess gave Angie a huge pause to keep her on her toes as he was given the last rose.
Yes, he’s still wearing that awful cape and my fallopian tubes have officially sealed themselves shut.
17. Tomorrow night: We’ll absolutely, 100% be talking about THIS in more detail.
Yes, that is a man in his mid-30s called Warwick with his own nickname tattooed across his back.