11 Things That Happened On Tonight’s Hectic Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’
Bachy fam, my long-lost friends, my people: we’re only in episode TWO of The Bachelorette and already we’ve had so much drama I need to go take a long shower and a sleeping tablet, so Jess doesn’t haunt my dreams tonight.
Tonight’s episode was a real rollercoaster: from Carlin’s confession to Jess’ lewd behaviour, our poor gal Angie had a lot to deal with.
Here’s everything that happened on Episode 2 of The Bachelorette:
1. Angie and Carlin get straight to the 24-hour date & the boys get dropped a group date about “animal attraction”.
As Angie and Carlin headed off to my personal idea of hell – spending 24 hours alone with someone you barely know – the boys in the house get dropped a group date card. This is where we first need to pay attention, my friends: in this scene there are whisperings of the men not loving Runner-up Mayor Jess, and it’s a huge sign of things to come.
But more on this later.
Jamie also dropped the line that the “animal attraction” clue is great for him and Angie because they both LOVE animals and Jamie is “HUNTING for love” which does not sound terrifying or like he wants to wear Angie’s skin or anything.
2. Our perfect boy Carlin revealed he needs to be upfront with Angie about something, and uh oh…
And no, it’s not the fact he’s a secret spy and on a mission to save the world from all bad men – that was just my secret fantasy!
As it turns out…
Look before everyone gets shocked and horrified, Carlin explained he’s been separated for 18 months and the legalities just haven’t gone through to finalise the divorce.
Is it weird to go on a dating show so soon after? Look, maybe. But hey, some people move on within hours of ended relationships.
Also this Carlin thing buys into a theory my friends and I have about the first wave of divorcees: when you’re a single lady in your late-twenties and done with fuckbois and men who can’t express their emotions, you realise all decent guys are probably married, have been married or have been (at the very least) in committed relationships. Like, you no longer want some man in his early-30s who has spent his twenties dodging commitment.
Enter the first wave of divorcees! They’ve been in committed relationships, they’ve learned from them, and things have grown apart but they’re ready to try again and work much harder for love.
So in other words, it isn’t a red flag Carlin has been married before and I stand by that!
3. Carlin gets the first pash of the season.
Hell yeah! First wave of divorcees, baby!
They, of course, then shared separate tents overnight, because this is not the US Bachy franchise.
4. The group date crew arrived the next morning to gatecrash Angie and Carlin’s glamp-fest and they had to dress in ridiculous animal outfits for a photo shoot.
It’s The Bachelorette x Masked Singer crossover we truly deserve. Now we just need Osher in a prawn mask to round it all off.
First off were Timm and Matt – Matt dressed as some creepy Sea King, and Timm as the most terrifying lobster you ever will see. Timm gave Angie and co. a little more than they bargained for when he accidentally got his “lobster balls” out. No word as to whether they too, were painted bright red.
Honestly, at this stage I just want to see Timm on Bachelor In Paradise.
5. Wazza absolutely bloody lost it over being forced to dress up like a chicken.
The male ego is so fragile, you guys.
It all started when Wazza paraded his chicken outfit to the boys and Timm made a comment about him looking like he had a ballsack on his chin. As the boys continued to rib him, Wazza and his chicken balls stormed off and demanded to be taken back to the mansion.
Wazza took his shirt off, and displayed this to us all. Literally, the guy thought he’d be the laughing stock of the nation for dressing up as a chicken yet had this on his back the whole damn time.
“I can take a joke!” Wazza’s chicken balls screamed. “But this isn’t funny!”
Damn, he really cocked this one up.
Thanks. OMW to retire.
6. But just before we thought Wazza was gonna be the biggest cock (sorry, sorry) this episode, Jess was all “hold my beer”.
Jess, was dressed up as a horse’s arse, which was truly a great move by the producers who put him in that outfit. While Jamie was convinced he was spiritually connecting with Angie through eye contact, Jess did everything in his power to be an absolute creep.
As Angie was told to hop on the back of the horse for the photo, Jess said, “Don’t blame me if I get some wandering fingers” and to his camera piece he said “I thought damn, I’m gonna be the first person Angie gets to ride.”
And if you’re already projectile vomiting, hang tight, because it doesn’t even stop there!
The Runner-Up Mayor of Noosa kept doing his best to implode his own career. “Take a look at my view,” he said when staring at Angie sitting within his eye level. “Damn this beats my last girlfriend.”
Truly shook this man has even had a girlfriend before tbh. I hope she’s doing so much better now.
7. Jess continued to be a huge old creep while Jackson and Angie did their solo shoot.
While Normal Jamie controlled his jealous urges (“I just want to go in a pull them apart”), Jess once again proved that he had to be No.1 at being The Worst. “If that was me, I would’ve just slipped one on her, put the tongue in.”
Can you hear that sound? It’s the sound of every single woman in Australia deleting their dating apps, locking their doors, and blocking the idea of ever going to Noosa.
8. Wazza and his chicken balls gave da boiz an emotional speech at the cocktail party and said goodbye.
Ugh, what even IS this show without Wazaa and his laidback charm and great sense of humour!
“I’m the first person to have a joke, but not at my expense,” Wazza says. Bit rich coming from a guy who has his own name tattooed on his back, but go off son.
Ciao Waz. We could say you really ballsed this one up–OK SORRY, I’m done.
9. Carlin pulled Angie aside to fill her in on Jess being the world’s biggest creep… while Jess continued to be the world’s biggest creep.
Jess tried to find his crowd of men to rally behind his gross, sexist comments…
…but truly comes up blank.
Personally I am now Haydn’s number one fan, even though I keep misspelling his name. Did you know he’s ALSO a firefighter? But just decided not to make a big deal out of it?
Jess then proceeded to tell the men he’s sitting with that he’s kissed plenty of girls before who have turned their heads. Absolutely shocking news! Did not see that coming!
We’re all Haydn in this moment.
Being told off by a few guys wasn’t enough for Jess. Upon hearing Angie wanted to talk to him, he said “Bring it on, bitch” which set off the rest of the men around him, and Matt took him to town labelling Jess and his behaviour as “disgusting”.
10. Angie’s had enough of the Runner-up Mayor of Noosa and kicked him TF out.
Carlin also told Angie that Jess had been making sleazy comments to makeup artists and other members of the crew and our girl was fired up and ready to take the trash out. She absolutely read him to filth.
I have never cheered louder for a Bachelorette than in this moment:
Jess took it exactly like you’d expect a balding politician in his mid-30s to take it. He avoided responsibility, at one stage tried to turn it on Angie (“you jumped on my back, I was just the poor little horsie!”) and then apologised without really meaning it by talking over the top of her.
Imagine a huge Dog Park Bill voice when I say this next line: What a wankeeeeer.
11. Jess said his goodbyes to us in the limo home, reassuring literally no one that he’d find the love of his life in some dirty nightclub in Noosa.
“I know deep down nothing happened. It was just harmless fun, and that’s all she wanted.”
And that my friend, is the sound of every woman in Australia stabbing their brand new Jess voodoo dolls.
I think it’s safe to say the Runner-up Mayor of Noosa will not be finding any love or any political success in the near future.
Next week: Jamie comes on way too strong (geez, who saw that coming?!) and there’s a new arrival that previously knew Angie on the outside…
Hmm, huge Stu Laundy vibes! Remember that old trick? I’ve got my eye on you and your tricks Bachy…