9 Things That Happened In Tonight’s Spooky ‘Bachelorette’ Episode
Welcome back to another episode of The Bachelorette, and this one was spookier than ever! And no, I’m not just saying that because Osher was edited in again.
Our Halloween-themed episode saw the girls invite the remaining guys on a group date, where they had to answer Truth or Dare and ‘Never Have I Ever’ questions. Scary! There were skeletons dug out of the closet, the unveiling of some real-life horror stories involving cheating, but thankfully no one was ghosted in this episode. Can’t say the same about my latest dating app matches.
We opened with Alison DiLaurentis begging to be let out of her shallow grave*, and things just got weirder from there.
(*Any of my PLL fans in here with me? Anyone? Hello?)
Let’s get straight into what happened on episode 5 of The Bachelorette.
1. The ghosts of Bachy’s past haunted us, as we opened to a spooky new mansion.
So that’s what happened to Blake Garvey, huh? Buried by the Bachy franchise, with a wilted rose pinned to his bones. As a wise man once sang, “I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.”
RIP Blake G.
2. The cursed party was broken into two cauldron categories: Truth or Dare and Never Have I Ever, with the questions, truths, and dares being added anonymously.
Never have I ever fallen asleep 45 seconds into an episode. Everyone drink! Haha!
Firstly, the guys had to go around the room and state the body part they were most proud of. It was only sweet baby angel Adam who saved the day here. He decided not to go with his eight-pack, huge biceps, or perfectly square chin, stating that his brain was his favourite part of his body.
That sound there? That’s the sound of my chastity belt unlocking itself.
Elly was also quizzed about the extent of her relationship with Joe, to which she said they spent a weekend together once, which left the men pondering what exactly that meant. Gosh, what could a weekend away together POSSIBLY mean? Did they read some books? Do the Sunday quiz together? Share some headphones as they listened to their favourite feminist podcast? Woo-hoo until one of them fell asleep or pissed on the floor because the person controlling their Sim selves wouldn’t put a door on the bathroom?
Look, we never insinuated that all these men were smart, like Adam.
3. Thankfully, things got more interesting when the girls were allowed to pick two guys to give them a lap dance.
First up was Damien, who had the moves of an 83-year-old grandpa who has consumed one too many shandies at Bingo night. Yet, I’d stil-
Shannon then took over, and is it hot in here or have I just not paid attention to a straight man in four years?
There were no stiff hips here as Shannon got to work on Becky.
The shirt came off, and my Tinder came back on!
Even Frazer lost his damn mind!
Frazer is all of us right now!
4. In the Never Have I Ever part, some people were forced into admitting they’ve cheated on a partner, Becky included.
James, Adrian, and Joe admitted to cheating on partners, while the other guys pretended like they never have.
I think this was meant to be a controversial moment, but here’s my theory: anyone who can own up to wrongdoing and learn from a mistake is a good person.
It’s the people who cheat then lie about it who deserve the wrath of the world.
5. To lighten the mood from the cheating saga, Frazer was dared to go on a nudie run and we were shown this plate of spooky sausages just after, so I guess Warner Bros. is trying to say Frazer has a spooky dick.
SO many people keep asking me where the Punkee recaps are, and who needs them anymore when you have this kind of symbolism! It’s pure art if you ask me.
Imagine if all sausages had eyes.
This is why I’m a virgin.
6. Elly chose Adam for the single date and Adam is now Australia’s new boyfriend.
Sweet, smart, slightly dorky, and ripped AF? Adam leans into my theory that the only good straight men are from WA and I must move there once the borders open again. I’m convinced I can do my job from there, or at least become one of the angry commentators on Facebook who says “Thanks for the SPOILERS, we’re three hours behind here!” as though they don’t have the power to just not LOG on, if they know a show is going to be spoiled for them.
Anyway, Adam and Elly went to the zoo, then painted each other, and Elly was blinded by Adam’s so-good-it-nearly-can’t-be-true physique as she painted him like one of her French giraffes (or whatever that quote from that movie about a boat is).
The sexual chemistry was eventually too much, and they had a big old pash fest as the zebras and giraffes looked on and begged to be freed from the prison they’re held in.
Sorry, I’m projecting on the zoo animals. Let’s move on.
7. Becky invited Sam back to the Bach pad to cook her pasta before suggestively commenting he was good with his hands, and we simply stan this horny queen who is making the man do the domestic chores.
Becky is the unsung hero of this show and I won’t hear otherwise.
Because Sam was the one who wrote the cheating question for Never Have I Ever, he brought it up and Becky reiterated she felt bad about said cheating and everything was fine, and that had some playful flirty pasta fighting and kissed.
It was nice! Wholesome! Everyone had a good time! I’m also kissing my pasta as we speak. It’s very wet.
8. The cocktail party centred around James’ simmering mood and Frazer wanting to find out what REALLY happened with Elly and Joe.
They clearly fucked, Frazer! Grow up!
Meanwhile, Adrian missed the memo that the Halloween/costume party was over and rocked up dressed as Ron Burgundy.
As Frazer and some of da boiz tried to quiz Joe on what a “weekend away” meant (they banged! boned! had an adult cuddle! made love! when a mummy and daddy love each other very much, etc!) I couldn’t help but think about Damien.
When would Damien get more time than just a flash of him looking good in a suit? Would we ever see those stiff hips move again? Would Damien like to come to my belated 30th dressed as something better than a cop and dance for me and my old AF neighbour, Doris? Please wb, Damien. Doris has me in a headlock right now and won’t let go until we hear from you.
James was reaching boiling point waiting for Elly and Frazer’s convo to be done, and before he could swoop in and whisk Elly away to explain WHY he cheated on a former partner, time was called on the cocktail party, and James was left to angrily keep sipping his vodka soda.
We can only assume something more interesting may come out of this tomorrow.