28 Oct 2020

9 Slightly Exaggerated Things That Happened On Tonight’s Episode Of ‘The Bachelorette’

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Welcome back to the second-last week of The Bachelorette. I didn’t hate tonight’s episode, but damn do I think we missed out on some real drama.

I think I’ve finally pinpointed what the problem with the latest seasons have been. So much energy is put onto the forced drama of “big” characters, that the real drama, the drama that is actually interesting to observe, is glossed over. Things got somewhat interesting again in Locky’s season when Irena and Bella had their argument because it was actual, real-life shit, not forced upon us by producers or people going in to purposefully become “big” characters or villains.

Take tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette for example: while there was the hint of drama brewing, it was glossed over as quickly as it started. Sam was obviously struggling with the concept of the show and dropped enough hints for us to know that he and Becky must’ve had a bigger chat at some stage, but we saw none of it.

James stormed off from the dinner party in a huff, but we still don’t see the context of what wound him up the most, just small glimpses of it. He left, upset, thinking Elly could’ve been the one for him, but we can’t even begin to understand as an audience how he’s gotten to that point because it feels like we don’t see ANYONE’S storylines developing or being fleshed out anymore.

Is anyone still with me? Or have I lost you all?

Oh well, never mind, in the words of King Gerard Way, we’ll carry on.

Let’s recap episode 7 of The Bachelorette:

1. The men were surprised with babies and a big to-do list that left Frazer saying “this isn’t equality!”

Welcome to what being a woman feels like on a daily basis, Frazer!

The big old twist was that Elly and Becky would be watching the boys undertake the duties of Daddy Daycare in another room, to see who really would pitch in and do the household chores while taking care of a screaming doll.

The men were thrilled.

“Save me from the nothing I’ve become.”

Frazer was amazed at how hard it was to take care of a plastic baby. “This should be a subject in school,” he said, awed. Babe, it is, it’s called Exploring Early Childhood. I was given a fake baby once at the tender age of 16 (Catholic schools, gotta love them) and it was broken and didn’t cry all weekend, but when it got to Monday morning at 4am it shrieked itself to life and wouldn’t stop crying. Like mother, like daughter.

2. Some men were better at the household chores and taking care of the babies, while others failed the task.

Frazer and James left their babies in the pool to chill, while Becky’s boys were killing it. Killing the job of being fake daddies that is, not killing the babies. We learned Shannon did not know how to mop at all, but I’d still make my way to his Daddy Daycare if you know what I mean.

Do you know what I mean?

OK, fine, you don’t get it, I’ll spell it out for you. It means I’m hot for Shannon.

3. Shannon was picked for Becky’s one on one time, and Elly picked Joe.

It was nice, the boys shared their feelings, they kissed. I mean, they kissed their respective women, not each other. That’s a different show, I imagine.

4. Becky then chose Adrian for her solo date, which left Sam very disappointed.

Rumour has it that Becky overheard Sam trying to describe how she looked “quintessentially beautiful” while stumbling on which word to use and then she imagined a whole day of that, while having to rub sunscreen onto his head, as he brought out his ventriloquist act and she had to fake laugh, and–

Sorry, I’m getting carried away. Also, I made up that rumour just to entertain myself.

Becky chose Adrian, and Sam was jealous. He talked to the other boys about how he’s “not here to mess around” and that Becky choosing Adrian was a “clear message” and Pete just looked confused the whole time, which I relate to on a deep level.

This is Sam by the way:

Meanwhile, on the date Becky told Adrian he surprised her by how well he looked after a doll, but she can see the side of him that’s also trouble. A boys boy. A proper lad. Someone who’d throw his misso under the bus to sound cool. Becky then told Adrian that he reminded her of her ex (yikes!) but the “good parts” (double yikes!).

“She pre-judges me by the way I look and the way I come off, but that’s not who I am,” Adrian said to the camera. OK, then, if you’re not who you look like and you’re not how you act, then… who are you, Adrian?

Ugh whatever. This makes it all seem much more dramatic than it was, so let me tell you the date was mainly beer, beaches, sunsets and kissing. Adrian also opened up about how he didn’t grow up with a father figure and he knows he’d be a good dad because he’d want to give his kid everything he missed out on in life.

Am I attracted to Adrian now too? Yes. Was this date still boring AF? Yes.

5. “Osher” left the boys a group date card at the cocktail party to announce The Last Supper.

So sneaky! Classic Osher, amirite?

The Last Supper was how it usually goes. Judas threw Jesus under the bus, and then the big guy was nailed to the cross, and rose again three days later while my Year 6 teacher’s voice shrilled in my head, loudly, enthusiastically singing the lyrics to “Shine, Jesus, Shine.”

OK, sorry, the Bachy last supper was how it usually goes. There was a mysterious box full of questions that could be submitted anonymously, probably by the producers. In my head, I could still hear my teacher singing “Shine, Jesus, Shine” but that’s a whole different issue.

6. The Last Supper left Adam traumatised after James revealed his “fetish”.

Damn, they didn’t teach me this in religion class! I guess this Adam isn’t as naughty as what happens in the Book of Genesis.

James revealed that he doesn’t have a fetish (as if) but he is a guy that enjoys some dominance. “Not so much hard, just a little rough, a little bit how ya going,” he explained, as though that cleared it all up.

Sorry, if I ever had a male partner describe sex to me as a “little bit how ya going” there’d be a little bit of “that’s never happening again.”

Adam was wildly uncomfortable during this whole exchange…

… while Pete explained that, “I think Adam hopes he has some kind of gag fetish so he stops talking,” as he did this movement, which I found weirdly endearing. Endearing? I don’t know anymore.