‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 8: Ali Pick Taite & Let’s Be Done With It

Hello! Good evening! Hi! Yes, you over there! Don’t turn away from me, I’m not asking for money.

Yet.

OK, we’re here to talk about our lord and saviour Ali Oetjen and her journey for a hunky man. No one has said the word hunky since my Aunt got drunk at some family dinner about 20 years ago, but let’s bring it back.

And speaking of making things happen, let’s get stuck into tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette — and fam, reminder that there are only two weeks remaining.

Ali decided to take Charlie for the worst date ever: F45.

I’m all about the fitness and less about the circuit. As in, I would like to watch a fit man do his thing, while I have a wine. That kind of fitness.

The best part was Ali just punching the shit out of Charlie, but unfortunately didn’t kick him in the balls to truly show him who was boss.

Charlie, to his credit, took it like a champ and had fun with it even though she was truly letting out any pent-up annoyances she had with him. And let’s be real, there was a lot.

Apparently when Charlie isn’t around Bill, all the tension dies from his body and he remembers how to act like a semi-normal human.

They also performed a very weird sex move.

IDK, I’m saving myself for marriage.

As the sun rose upon another day, I poured my morning G&T and… no wait. Sorry. It was time for the apocalyptic group date.

Some dark, dramatic music tells us this one is going to get intense! Kind of like the dark, dramatic music that used to come out of my teen bedroom, except that was just My Chemical Romance and by teen bedroom I mean the music coming out of my headphones right now.

Anyway Osher welcomed the boys to a Doomsday challenge, which is what most of us call this whole show.

I actually just laughed at my own joke there but cut me some slack we’re on, like, week 12 of this.

I’d explain this challenge to you but, honestly, I didn’t fully understand it.

I’d blame the plague going around the office for making me slower than usual, but I always start to zone out at the words “challenge” “nests” and “apocalypse.”

All we know is, it’s an “end of the earth” challenge and it’s based around everyone trying to survive Trump’s America. They have to build a nest I guess and put survival things in it because that will save us all when God or the most powerful locusts decides to destroy the world.

“Oh no, the big meteor is coming, grab your bag of rice!” I’ll desperately scream to my husband, who’s hopefully that guy who does the Bachy recaps for that Channel 10 TL;DR thing.

Everyone got into teams of two and Todd was the last man standing. Before I could team up with him, Ali did.

Selfish!

Basically it all ended up being a huge testosterone driven challenge and Paddy and Charlie started fighting with Bill and Taite.

“Bring back the biff!” Reg Reagan croaked from the sideline.

Charlie and Paddy’s team ended up losing and the sound you hear right now is the sound of everyone in Australia clapping.

“Not everyone, dipshit!” My elderly neighbour screamed from next door. “Most people are actually trying to Netflix & chill right now, that’s what I’m doing!”

Ew, Susan, shut it down.

The winning teams’ prize was Ali coming for a sleepover.

I’ve seen this movie before.

Ugh, no, I meant like The Sleepover Club and no boys allowed!

Taite and Ali got cosy under a blanket and talked about their feelings. Ali told Taite she was falling for him.

Let’s just wrap this up now!

At the cocktail party something totally wild happened. Charlie got jealous over something to do with Bill!

Ali and Bill had gone to a secret spot for a chat and a canoodle and Charlie decided to tell everyone it had to be MUCH more intense and serious than that. In fact, maybe Ali was giving Bill a piece of her mind!

Spoiler: She wasn’t.

We said goodbye to Paddy and Stu Laundy 2.0 at the rose ceremony.

Paddy left us on the hopeful note that his Tinder would be poppin’ the fuck off.

See you on there, Paddy.