‘The Bachelorette’ Recap Episode 9: Steins, Wine & Worrying Signs

Welcome to The Bachelorette: Oktoberfest style!

Why are you confused? Are you trying to say you’ve never tried to find love at the end of a beer stein or have you never indulged in some German sausage?

I’m not judging, except I am.

The German-themed group date was all about the boys competing with each other to win solo time with Ali.

Basically the man who was going to have the most fun with it would win, which promptly ruled Charlie out!

More made up games were designed to test the men and their beer-carrying strength and pretzel-throwing ability. There were also a lot of blindfolds because they acted as “beer goggles”. Get it? GET IT?

“So many wasted pretzels hitting that grass,” I thought to myself as I licked my TV screen.

The most interesting part was Charlie trying to outdo Bill’s effort of carrying 8 steins while blindfolded, but he managed to spill most of his beer. Both of them also had a chance to dump sauerkraut over each other’s heads and a producer somewhere is gleefully cackling.

Men.

Bill won the solo time with Ali, much to Charlie’s disgust.

They did a quick Deliveroo ad, before indulging in a sausage fest.

Um, like EATING actual sausages, you sickos. Go do 10 Hail Marys before you come back and try and taint this sacred recap again.

Ali talked about Bill telling her everything she wants to hear. Bill then told Ali essentially everything she wants to hear from a man, and Ali called Bill “100% genuine.” I’d say I’m confused but nothing about this show confuses me anymore, mainly because I got distracted trying to order dinner on Deliveroo.

Ali then took Taite on a solo date where they frolicked in a rock pool and made out a lot.

Taite is worried because he’s put the limitation on himself that the next person he is to fall in love with has to be the last one. Not sure if someone is dying or what the go is tbh but it sounds very dramatic.

The sad breakup music that usually plays when the runner-up is getting dumped on the show, started playing over the montage of Ali and Taite in the rock pool. Ever listened to sad music while making out with someone? Me too, but it was just me making out with a Gerard Way poster when I was 15. Haha kidding, I was 23! Fine, it was yesterday.

Ali then ‘set up’ a ‘getting to know you’ game to make Taite spill his feelings.

“Set up a ‘getting to know you’ game with serious questions about life commitment to make man horny,” I jotted down in my diary.

Taite talked about wanting to open up to Ali, and was about as convincing as an actor on Home and Away. 

One of the questions was about whether Taite could see himself engaged by the end of the year. All of a sudden he pretended he couldn’t read:

Fuck. I went on a second date the other day and forgot to ask if he’d see himself engaged to me by the end of the year. BRB just gotta send off a quick text.

Taite is basically like, “yeah if it’s the right person I can see myself engaged,” yet they both look mournful and devastated. If only there was another way! If only they could pump the brakes slightly, be a little more casual, end the show together and then really launch into getting to know each other without cameras around! If only th-

Wait. They could absolutely do that.

At the cocktail party, silent Daniel broke the awkward silence to steal Ali away for a chat, so they could sit in some more awkward silence.

Is this the first time we’ve seen a dude in the top 5 who hasn’t actually gone on a proper planned single date?

To no one’s surprise, Daniel is left roseless.

Ali and Daniel both thanked each other about five times each, for what we’ll never know. So we bid farewell to our silent, stoic angel. We barely knew ye. Like literally, Daniel, we barely knew you.

Tomorrow night: Dramatic! Hometown! Visits!

And no I’m not even talking about me returning to Wagga for my high school reunion!