15 Things That Happened On The Premiere Of ‘The Bachelorette’
After a blissful week off from hearing the words “outdoors”, “journey”, and “adventures”, tonight saw Elly and Becky’s season of The Bachelorette kick off and we were introduced to all the confused men who learned on the red carpet they’d be dating sisters. Kinda.
Look, I’m just going to come out and say it. The Bachelorette is far more enjoyable to watch than The Bachelor. Maybe because it’s easier to poke fun at men, or maybe because it’s more fulfilling to see the woman in power. Or maybe it’s just because I am desperately single and I rank these men based on who I would personally choose to give a rose to, even though Warner Bros. and Channel 10 keep rejecting my bid to be a Bachelorette based on “not being nice” and “resting bitch face” and “being impossible to love.”
All in all, I have a good feeling about this season, you guys. There seems to be a good balance between Elly and Becky and most of the guys seem… somewhat… genuine? But then again, we were all won over by Ciarran last year so let’s remember to tread carefully.
Tonight we were introduced to the “Country Rose” which is apparently not a pub based in Parkes (yet, anyway) and one guy decided to leave, rejecting a rose at the ceremony and dancing out of our hearts as quickly as he danced in.
Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty and chat about tonight’s premiere of The Bachelorette:
This will reportedly be our last Osher fix of the year. Everyone please, ding your rings on your wine glass on your balcony at the conclusion of this recap.
1. We were only reminded 97 times Elly and Becky are just ya normal, down to earth, country girls.
This sign helped lead us to that conclusion, otherwise we may not have fully cottoned on.
“We’re just a couple of ferals from the bush!” Elly, a Newcastle resident said.
OK, look, I was going to make fun of the fact the girls’ whole identity is tied up in being “country gals” but then I think of everyone I know from my hometown who have moved to Sydney and after one wine get misty-eyed about how someone they met the day before “could tell I wasn’t from Sydney” because “I speak like a bogan!” or because “I smiled at them on the street!”
It’s a weird sense of pride, only one that can be held when you conveniently ignore your hometown is probably still incredibly racist, sexist, and homophobic.
2. Osher introduced a new rose to the girls: The Country Rose.
Get it, guys? It’s because they’re from the country. Hope they don’t give it to a cunty, haha!
The rose is to be given to ONE guy who made an impression on both of them, which sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.
3. Balloon man Sam entered first, and explained that he brought balloons because he likes… travel?
Sam said he’s a lawyer, but he’s quite adventurous and the balloons he brought represented his love of travel. I half expected him to pop them, to reveal some destination he wanted to whisk his future wife to, but instead he just kinda got them stuck in a tree, then struggled to get through the door.
To be fair, that does sound like me on a holiday.
4. Frazer wowed Elly straight away by basically saying nothing.
As the famous philosopher, Ronan Keating, once whispered, “you say it best, when you say nothing at all.”
“Well, I might move on,” Frazer said after about seven seconds of conversation, where he didn’t even seem that bewildered that there were two girls on the red carpet instead of one. “There were some sparks flying,” Elly said to the camera.
Wait, sorry Elly, that was me just burning my dinner by putting foil in the microwave again.
5. In danced AB, who was so distracted by his own thrusting entrance he seemed to not even realise two women were there.
Me arriving at Macca’s at 3am:
Me putting in my order for a McChicken meal then adding nuggets as well:
Me realising they gave me a large fries instead of a medium:
Oh man, I could just do this all day. Is this fun?
I can’t help but love AB. I hope I see him on TikTok soon.
6. A bunch more boys wandered in, and we faced the, “Oh my God, there are TWO of you?” dilemma numerous times. And then… then came Jake, who got lost on his way to Paradise.
I went through a real journey watching this scene.
First I felt my fallopian tubes seal shut, my hands deleted my remaining dating apps before my brain even caught up, and when I came to again I was banging myself over the head with a hot frying pan.
7. Finally, in an actual sign from Cupid herself, in came Shannon.
I was pondering why I was so instantly attracted to Shannon and then my colleague Tara (go read her first impressions ranking of the boys, right NOW) pointed out he kind of looked like a River Boy from Home and Away and suddenly it was like all of my interests combined.
Oh and we also met Samuel, who did his best impression of a dolphin.
8. In a wildly COINCIDENTAL turn of events, Joe rocked up and Elly was immediately shook because Joe is someone she has had history with.
This is a wild concept to me because I can’t imagine being stoked to see any guy I’ve had history with rock up to my season of The Bachelorette, which will never happen anywhere but my imagination.
Nonetheless, I did picture some random dude I had history with about two years ago rocking up and choked on a kale leaf and died.
They both did seem genuinely shocked so I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe, just maybe, they didn’t know this would happen. But having said that, I’m pretty sure Becky then said “nice to meet you” to Joe, before Joe later said at the cocktail that he knew BOTH the girls.
9. More men arrived.
One got lost on the way to The Masked Singer, Fabio got lost on his way to another Mills & Boon cover, Adrian rocked up because he heard there’d be a fire pit in the mansion that he could burn his hat in, and Saj set up his magic rug (not a euphemism) and talked to the girls about his childhood growing up in Afghanistan which was actually really sweet.
I too would like a ride on Saj’s magic carpet.
10. At the cocktail party, the ghosts of Bachy’s past haunted us.
11. Harry, who apparently did show up on the red carpet, made the best impression on the girls and got the Country Rose.
Country rooooose, take me hoooome, to the place, I belooooong, West Australia, where the men are hotter, take me hoooome, country roooose.
Cupid was astounded his creepy entrance didn’t get him the Country Rose, but now I am more impressed that this would’ve been filmed in the middle of winter and he’s still refused to put clothes on. Icon!
12. Harry became the most popular guy at the party because the Country Rose gave him the power to pick another bro to go on the double date.
Harry felt a vibe with Elly, so he started sussing out who was interested in Becky so he wouldn’t pick someone who was ALSO interested in Elly. Which makes sense in a lot of ways, mainly because it’d be so shit for Becky if she was just chilling there with two guys chasing her sister. That’s what I just call hitting any pub with my sisters on a Saturday night.
Joe let the other boys know he and Elly had known each other in a past life, which immediately ruled him out as Harry’s wingman, and Cupid pointed out Joe was dressed like Bob the Builder. Can’t unsee.
13. The boys divvied themselves into two camps: Team Elly or Team Becky.
We also met our new narrator, Andrew, who did his best David Attenborough impression as the lads went wild trying to chase the ladies. I’m ready for Andrew to step into Osher’s shoes after this episode, and go one step further and narrate all the dates, house tension, and interpret what Samuel is trying to say every time he makes a dolphin noise.
Does his last name begin with G? Is he the real… Andrew G?
I hope so.
14. Shannon and Becky hit it off during their solo chat, and Shannon was eventually chosen by Harry to go on the double date.
I am putting all my energy into praying Shannon is a real-life sweetie and not just being smooth and putting it on for the cameras. I can’t tell yet, because I am also intoxicated by his charm and the fact he was once Mr Polynesia in 2017. Maybe he can be Mr Tahlia in 2021.
Sorry, I mean I hope he and Becky will be very happy together.
15. At the rose ceremony, AB declined Becky’s rose and walked out.
Saying he didn’t feel a connection and didn’t want to lead her on, AB danced his way out of our hearts one last time.
We also said goodbye to two other guys, the one with the neck tattoo, and Samuel the Dolphin.