the knight before christmas

All The Questions I Had After Watching ‘The Knight Before Christmas’

The Knight Before Christmas, Vanessa Hudgens’ latest holiday rom-com, is out now on Netflix and, like The Princess Switch and A Christmas Prince before it, the movie is pretty terrible and also kind of incredible.

Yes, it is both those things at once. In fact, its terribleness only makes it more incredible.

If you haven’t watched it yet and the punny title didn’t give it away, the movie is about a medieval knight who gets sent to the present day by an old crone. (That’s literally what he calls her. Repeatedly.) He has to fulfil a quest before he can return to his own time and (spoiler!) that quest turns out to be dicking down Vanessa Hudgens.

Just kidding! This is a holiday romance, there are no dicks to be found. But his quest IS to fall in love with Vanessa. Or something like that? I don’t actually know??

Honestly, I have a lot of questions when it comes to The Knight Before Christmas:

#1. Who is this old crone? Why is she so invested in the love life of this specific medieval knight and a random girl from the 21st century?

#2. Why does Sir Cole get sent not only to the 21st century, but to America? Was it because of Vanessa Hudgens aka Brooke? Are they, like, actual soul mates or something? How does that work, considering they’re from totally different times and places?

#3. Couldn’t Netflix invest a little more in the grey wigs and old person makeup? It looks so fake.  But also, why didn’t they just, I don’t know, hire actual old people?

the knight before christmas

#4. Why did they name this knight Sir Cole? Did they not hear how it sounded like everyone was calling him “circle”?

#5. Why isn’t Sir Cole a little more shook about the whole time travel thing? Or the AMERICA thing? Shouldn’t he be more surprised about, ummm, everything?

#6. Especially, like, the women-in-pants situation? And the women living alone thing? And also going HOME with a woman who is living alone?

#7. Meanwhile, why is Brooke totally okay with bringing home a strange (on multiple levels) guy who is ARMED WITH A SWORD?! Why isn’t she running in the other direction?

#8. Shouldn’t Sir Cole be more bashful about walking around nearly naked in front of a woman?

#9. How does he understand – and speak – modern English?

And no, a few “thousts” and “wherefore arts” do not count as historically accurate language.

#10. Then again, why am I looking for historical accuracy in a Netflix holiday rom-com?

#11. Speaking of which, how did Sir Cole figure out how to operate Netflix? And did he actually enjoy Holiday in the Wild? How is he so chill about the elephants? And the whole concept of TV?

#12. Where can I get Vanessa Hudgens’ cape, please?

This has nothing to do with the story, I know, but it’s really cute.

#13. Why am I such a sucker for the Ghost re-enactment trope, even when it’s with bread dough or whatever it is they’re kneading right now?

It’s so cheesy, but I want them to inject it into my veins.

#14. How did those children get lost IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD like that?!

#15. How does Brooke not think it’s kind of scary that Sir Cole was straight-up about to murder that teenager/chop off his hand because the kid stole someone’s purse?

#16. Why is Brooke actually considering the idea that Sir Cole is a time traveller like it’s totally normal and there aren’t at least 1062 way more logical explanations for what’s happening?

#17. Where did that puppy come from? Are they…are they really just not going to explain it?

#18. And are those people even prepared to look after a puppy properly?

I am very worried about this dog.

#19. Why isn’t Sir Cole more upset about leaving his whole life and his FAMILY behind? Like, fuck them I guess?

#20. How did he get his horse into the present day? Did the old crone throw in a freebie?

#21. Seriously, what is this old crone’s deal with matchmaking?

#22. Also, the fact that she has transported Sir Cole’s brother to the present means there’s definitely going to be a sequel, right?

#23. Finally, can Vanessa Hudgens just devote herself full time to making these movies?

Honestly, I cannot get enough.