All The Things I Learned Buying My First Home (Because No One Taught Us How In School)

Congratulations! You just spent your whole adult life saving for a home loan deposit and you finally got to that sweet, sweet 20% mark.

Wasn’t it so worth it, turning down every single brunch invite in your 20s so you could smash your own avocado? We’ll worry about that carpal tunnel later! And the days of wince-sipping instant coffee with a single tear rolling down your cheek are a thing of the past!

Now, what do you actually do with that little nest egg of yours now?! Do you write it out in cheque form and present it to the real estate agent at the open home and say “I would like to buy this house, thanks?” Should you get cash out in unmarked $20 notes and present it in a silver briefcase?

OK not so fast, this isn’t Ocean’s Eleven. Here’s what you actually do:

If you, like me, Googled “How to buy a house for dummies” and wondered why they didn’t teach us this in school, this article is for you. So dust off that neglected KeepCup and settle in with that long awaited and well deserved double shot flat white.

Disclaimer: Before you sue the pants off me (pls don’t it’s cold out), I am by no means a financial professional. Just think of me as an old pal who, just like you, wants to own the roof over their head. 

Step one:

This part is crucial: you really need to allocate a good portion of your day to skiving off work and daydreaming about the kind of home you want. Get on Domain and really lust on that infinity pool. Leafy suburbs? You love ‘em. Got your heart set on that walk-in wardrobe? Good. Now that you’re all hyped up, time to talk to a broker. 

Guys, this part is FREE! Enjoy the novelty of a free service in this process while you can *maniacal laughter*. If you have friends already in the property game, ask them who they used. This is what I did and from what I can tell, I think they all do the same thing? Or old mate Google will be your best friend here. Again, please don’t sue me.

Your Broker Bro is gonna look at your tax return, a couple of payslips, and some rough monthly spendings. Oh, and get ready to feel super exposed when they ask why your account ending 7890 is always overdrawn (hehe whoops). This will also be the time you curse yourself for not buying shares in Afterpay when it was first launched, because if your statements look anything like mine, those guys are doing WELL.

Step two:

Broker Bro is gonna “crunch some numbers” and, after speaking to some banks, come back to you with what your borrowing capacity actually looks like. Hopefully, you’ll have the exciting news that you have been pre-approved for your loan up to a certain amount! This is valid for 3-6 months and as exciting as this is, could also mean facing some hard truths. Like, no matter how many nights a week you dine on beans on toast, a townhouse in Bondi might just not happen for you.

If you do indeed live-laugh-love in Sydney, some of these house prices might make you consider relocating to another city. (Seriously. I wish I was kidding but I’m actually writing this from my express train in from Wollongong. Choo choo, baby!)

While you’re at this stage, it’s probably worth checking out if there are any of those fancy first home buyer grants floating around (apparently they only happen every six months or something, but that was with Scomo… maybe Albo is fixing this?). There’s also a thing called Stamp Duty, I’m still not 100% sure what it is, but check with your Broker Bro about it. 

Step three:

Now that you’ve dramatically lowered your budget, standards, and realised you will probably have to buy in another state (lol), get on Realestate.com.au and fill your Saturday calendar with open homes to view. You’ll probably realise you’ve over-committed and there is no way you’ll be able to see three houses, all at 10:30am. Embrace feeling overwhelmed and settle for the two you hate the least and get an iced latte instead of seeing the last one. You’ll soon get professional at eyeballing and having old Western-style stand-offs with other potential buyers. 

You are like Kevin in Home Alone – “This is my home and I have to defend it”. Repeat this process for at least the next four to six weekends.

Step four:

Home browsing might be something you’ll continue to do over a few months.

Soon though, you’ll get Really Over It and not mind all the “quirks” of the houses you can actually afford have. These “Renovator’s Dream” properties are gonna start lookin’ real good. 

After all, you’ve watched The Block. How hard can it be? Those ciggie stains on the ceiling are nothing a little lick of paint won’t cure! You love Bunnings snags and is there really a better place to spend your weekend while you stock up on DIY supplies? No way!

Let’s put in an offer!

Step five:

So you’ve found “The One”? Or “Close Enough”? Feel free to use this template* below on how to email an offer to the real estate agent: 

“Hey, hey! I’d like to make an offer for $$$ for this apartment. I have pre-approval and am ready to party, subject to pending building/pest inspections. Chat soon x”.  

*do not actually use this as a template

Step six:

Soooo you played the offer game a little too low.  That’s OK, just increase your offer by, like, heaps. Oh, they accepted it really quickly the second time? Whoops, maybe that was too high? Too late now! Freak out that your offer has been accepted! There will be the final approval from the bank people and you’ll have to get a conveyancer to look over some reports. 

A conveyor belt? No silly, these guys are like a lawyer that read over the massive contracts and Strata reports so you don’t have to (you have Snowflake Mountain to watch!). These guys come with a fee, so make sure you only get them to look over reports on the place you really, really want, not every single one that tickles your fancy.  After one more final inspection of the place, you’ll have a date set for when you settle. 

Before you settle, you’ll also have to choose between a fixed and variable interest rate. This basically means do you want to “fix” your rate to a certain %, or do you want to ride the wave of variable? Generally (as my Broker Bro advised), fixed reflects where variable is heading, so when we did ours, fixed was waaaaay higher than variable, because, you know, the economy is screwed right now.

Anyway, this is one of those “no right answers” things, but it’s worth speaking to your Broker Bro about the pros and cons of both. 

Then it’s time to settle!

“Settle” is the most appropriate word for the hectic months of earning your new honorary title of Home Owner. You’re fully an adult now and own a piece of land or if it’s an apartment like mine, air! Settling is basically paying the deposit, signing some more documents, then getting the keys, woohoo! 

Congrats on the new bachie pad! I know how daunting it feels at first (better to be daunted than haunted when it comes to houses, am I right?) but you did it, you grown up, you!

Now paint your bedroom mustard like you always wanted! Go on, hammer nails into all the walls, BECAUSE YOU CAN. It’s all yours. You might need to turn the news off and stick your fingers in your ears when you hear news about “interest rates rising” and “house prices going down for the first time in 10 years” but for now let’s just focus on how good this outdoor furniture would look on your new deck. Damn, you made home buying look easy!