All The Thoughts I Had After Watching NRL For The First Time

When you’re a born and raised Kiwi, rugby is supposedly in your blood. 

It’s an unspoken rule that as a New Zealander, I’d take a bullet for Richie McCaw, Jonah Lomu was (and is) my hero, and pictures of Dan Carter’s underwear campaign were up on most walls at my boarding school.

But that’s not to say I actually understood what was going on in the game. I never watched one second of Rugby, I was just programmed to love the All Blacks and not ask questions. 

Then I moved to Sydney and I discovered literally no one cared about Union. No, no. Rugby is called NRL or Rugby League here, and that’s what the cool kids are watching. 

I had no idea there was a difference between the two, so lucky there’s no hope of me being a WAG. (And don’t even get me started on the AFL. Like WTF is that? What’s with the four poles? Do they actually get points for missing?) 

But today, I’m here with questions solely about Rugby League, to prime my mind, ready for this thing called “State of Origin”, that is apparently a big deal? 

I’m coming to you live from the couch, ready for some footy footy footy for a full 80 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. 

It’s now time to discover why my husband is looking past me at the TV when I’m trying to have a chat, and why grown-ass men in pubs are always yelling at the screens above the bar.  

Here are all the thoughts I had watching NRL for the first time.

• I’m guessing that guy kicking off would signal the start of “Kick off”. Here we go!
• It looks like he threw it backwards? Is that right? This is pretty easy… 
• OK so he’s … kicked it forwards…? 
• Why do they kick the ball on the ground backwards like a donkey after they are tackled? That’s a soccer kick, right?
• I’m so confused. 
• Have the Parramatta Eels won a premiership since I’ve been alive? 
• Why are their hair cuts like that? I wasn’t aware mullets survived after 1989. Is it supposed to be more aerodynamic? Do they think they look cool? 
• So you can’t just go tackling anyone, willy nilly? 
• Do they have scrums in this game? 
• OK, there’s a scrum!
• Next question: what is the point of the scrum? They don’t even push or anything?  
• What’s a “dummy half”? I keep hearing the guys talking about the match saying these words, I just don’t understand?! 
• I could be out of my depth here… 
• How long to go? 
• 62 minutes, my husband informs me. 
• Feels like I’ve already been watching for two hours…
• Why are some ears taped back? Is there a real risk of them being torn from their heads?
• And one guy has a little helmet? What’s his deal? 
• Can we see an instant replay of that guy hip thrusting on the ground, please? 
• No, seriously, what is a dummy half?
• What is the point of the goal posts? They hardly use it? It’s just sitting there, collecting dust!
• Why is it a “try” if he succeeded?
• Is there a limit of players that can tackle one person? It seems they are always in little packs of three? Do they get lonely? 
• Hello? Dummy half?? Please tell me now what these words mean? Who keeps saying that? 
• Did the commentator just ask us if we reckon that player has a “hard melon”? (Yes, his head looks hard from here??? Maybe he needs that fancy helmet.)
• What’s the deal with the weird ankle tap with the ball thing after they kick it out? For luck, surely? 
• Speaking of ankles – why do some players have short socks and others have socks up to their ankles? Is that another fashion choice or…?
• What’s with the random bell noise? 
• And what’s with the random voice-over guy saying “ruck infringement” or something after the bell? 
• I am so confused. 
• Is it only half time? My god. 
• Do they get oranges?
• We can just wrap things up here? 
• I think one half of footy is one half too many, so I’m leaving my husband to yell at the TV on his own. A hot water bottle and Sex In The City in bed is calling. 

OK, so I’ve got a couple of questions, obviously, and I really did not understand what was happening most of the time. Or all of the time. It feels like a sport you have to have watched for years to understand, or maybe I’m just not a sports gal. 

But overall, I would rate the game 8/10 for entertainment (no footy players were harmed in the making of this article, but I’ll admit, I liked it when they got all hot and heavy – I MEAN – pushy and feisty), 5/10 for logic (again, what could an ankle tap with the ball prove beneficial?) and 10/10 for being a true blue Aussie pastime and for all the friends we made along the way.

GOOOODBYYYYYEEEEE*. 

*This is a line a commentator says, apparently, when a player is running really fast away from the others, I guess? I thought it would show how in the know I am and end this article with it.