Every Thought I Had Watching ‘Star Wars’ For The Very First Time

I am aware that Star Wars is a mass franchise that spawned multiple films and a huge fandom. But I still made it 23 years without seeing a single film. I didn’t purposely avoid the saga, there were just better other franchises I was addicted to.

So, when I sat down with my partner to finally give Star Wars some attention, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was getting into. My only taste of the universe so far had been that scene in Pitch Perfect where Anna Kendrick’s character says that Darth Vader being Luke’s dad (apparently this is the “biggest cinematic reveal in history”) was predictable – so the dramatic “I aM yOuR fAtHeR” scene probably didn’t have its intended impact.

But I suppose if you’re jumping into a film franchise several decades late you can’t complain too much about spoilers. So far I’ve watched the original trilogy plus the first Disney sequel.

Here are the thoughts I had watching Star Wars for the first time:

(Disclaimer: this article will feature spoilers for the Star Wars franchise – which doesn’t hugely matter because I’m apparently the only one who hasn’t seen them).

1. The opening credits break all the rules

Please don’t hate me.

Please.

I know the scrolling text across the stars setting the scene is hugely iconic. But IMO, it’s lazy AF. That’s not how you open a movie. My inner English geek is shrieking “show don’t tell” as I write this. Setting the scene by literally writing down what has happened is a huge copout. Give me a sexy flashback instead, Lucas. My English teacher would give you an F. Also, it looks like it was made on Microsoft PowerPoint. Don’t @ me.

2. Obi-What Kanobi?

There are lots of strange names in this universe. And they’re not consistent. The robot names are very robot-y, but there’s a variance in the names of the humans. What kind of name is Obi-Wan Kenobi ? Especially when he’s on-screen with someone called LUKE.

3. I need more information about cosmopolitan space

Everyone in Star Wars lives across a bunch of planets. But it’s super cosmopolitan (which is cool, I like this) which leaves me with so many questions. How did settlement occur? Do people travel across them for shits and gigs, or is that leisure exclusive to the Jedis and bad people? Do they have passports? Why do they all speak the same language? Is there a galactic version of the United Nations? How does politics happen? I’d happily watch a documentary about this universe.

4. There’s some really solid characterisation

R2-D2 and C-3PO hardly communicate in English. Yet through beeps and entirely non-verbal communication, I fell in love with them hard. I’d happily sit through an entire film featuring only those two. Big Wall-E energy from them both.

5. Princess Leia got over her families’ deaths like instantly

Okay, George emotion-whisperer Lucas, she got like two frames of a sad expression on her face. But when her planet was blown to smithereens by the bad dudes and her entire kingdom and family perished, I was expecting a little more despair. I know she had a war to fight and all, but still.

6. Incest Wars

I was rooting so damn hard for Leia and Luke. The Home and Away – esque family tree revelation that the two are siblings ruined my Cupid spree and I’m still a little salty she ended up with Solo. He’s a free soul, he never needed her. (NB: I am not advocating for incest. They just should not have been written as siblings).

7. EWOKS are the koalas of space

They are so fucking cute. So, so cute. I got a Club Penguin (but furrier) crossed with the Wicked Witch of the West’s flying monkeys kind of vibe from these delightful, loyal fluffs.

8. Darth Vader got a raw deal

I had no idea Big Vader reverted from evil in his dying moments. Oh, the power of love. He’s still painted as such a bad guy everywhere. If we can love Severus Snape for being torn between good and evil, we can forgive Daddy Vader for going over to the dark side. I feel that other than this end plot twist, there wasn’t a huge amount of character development for Vader – so I’m really looking forward to diving into the prequels.

9. There is no order to these films and I’m a little mad

Okay, so the films weren’t created in chronological order. You’ve got to begin with numbers four, five and six, then there are a variety of prequels and sequels and spin-offs. All this thinking about numbers had me exhausted before the movies even began.

10. I want to live on the Millennium Falcon

It just feels like home. Don’t @ me.