Dear Men With The Tinder Bio ‘I Like My Women How I Like My Coffee…’ Please Stop It

Straight men on dating apps, we need to talk.

If you’ve been on dating apps long enough, you’ll know that bios aren’t always exactly original material. We’ve been through the fact that a lot of men just like to list their height and say nothing else. I think all of us out there on dating apps can agree we never want to debate pizza toppings again. And, yes, we KNOW your love language is physical touch without you even telling us.

There’s one bio we really need to talk about though… and it’s this one:

Let me just put that here again for good measure.

OK, fine, you twisted my arm! One more time!

I guess I’ll be the one to finally ask it: men on dating apps, are you guys fucking OK???

Over the years, this bio has seemed to have increasingly grown in popularity, even though it sounds like a joke that would still barely get a laugh in 2012.

Now you can imagine the type of guy who thinks this bio is some genius work. He pulled it from Reddit, he quotes The Simpsons like it’s a personality trait, and he’s the type of guy to state “he hates drama”, while always causing it himself after a few too many beers.

He reckons he could actually be a stand up comic because it wouldn’t be “that hard” and once a year he shaves his hair into a mullet. “If you dare me, I’ll do it,” he yells to his mates after drinks. No one replies. “Don’t threaten me with a good time, I’ll do it!” he slurs, triumphantly holding up a pair of scissors.

Let’s unpack everything that’s wrong with this bio.

1. It’s just a terrible analogy.

One time I tweeted about this bio and a gentleman tried to explain it to me. Thinking he’d tell me it’s from a bad movie or TV show, I humoured the idea. “OK, so he’s saying that he broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him,” he said.

Even if we all understand the general sentiment behind it, it doesn’t mean the comparison works!

As a single woman, you don’t see me out here using a comparison on my dating app bio and thinking it’s all sunshine and rainbows and 1,000 matches will come pouring in for me. “I like my margarita the same way I like my men,” I say. “Not texting my friend then lying to my face about it, until I catch them in a compromising position.”

DOESN’T EXACTLY MAKE SENSE DOES IT.

2. The bio just isn’t funny.

Not the first time, not the second time, and definitely not the 77th time.

3. No, trust me, we get it, you don’t have to explain it. It’s still not very funny.

Men, please: if you still have this bio and you’re reading this article like “well, she sure sounds like a hoot, fuck her, I’m keeping this bio, it’s FUNNY”, well so be it.

But what if I told you at least every 7th man now has it on his dating app profile? Do you really want to be the same as all those other men?

4. In what world does it work to attract a future partner?

Let’s say hypothetically each man in question has been cheated on and that’s his way of letting the dating app world know. It’s just that… why are you using your dating app bio to air out your dirty laundry?

I’m not sure what’s happening in the fantasy world of men on apps using this bio, but I imagine they think some hottie on the other end stops, reads it, genuinely laughs, and then says to herself, “what a catch, he must have huge muscles and a perfect dick! Right swipe from me!” and they live happily ever after.

5. And why don’t you take your morning coffee without an extra shot of dick anyway?

Reach for the stars! If you can dream it, you can do it! Maybe your ex had it right all along, putting some dick in her morning coffee. Did you ever think about that?

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It’s Back On The Apps week at Punkee! We’re digging into the good, the bad, and the highly questionable when it comes to using dating apps. Find more of our content here.