How To Trick People Into Thinking Everything’s Fine When Your Life Is A Trash Fire
Hi, my name’s Bradley and I’m a garbage person. If you’ve clicked on this story, welcome, my trash brothers and sisters. This is a safe space.
I reckon we can agree that being a put-together, functioning human person is exhausting. One day you’re hanging out, straight chillin’, with the hardest part of your day being the decision on whether to eat all your lunch at recess or try and save some for later on in the day.
Then one day you wake up, and you’re a… don’t make me say it… a grown-up. Bleh.
This means having to do laundry, clean bathrooms, pay for shit like rent and electricity — the list goes on. Some might say this is just part of growing up, but for garbage people like you and I, it’s the literal bane of our existence.
So when you’re slowly dying in the hamster wheel called life and feeling like a bit of a garbage monster, how can you come across to your friends, family and colleagues as A-OK? Fake it ’til you make it, BABY!
Here’s how to trick people into thinking you have your shit together when you clearly don’t.
Cook Something… Anything
Nothing screams, “YOU’RE A DISGRACE” quite like all those Uber Eats bags you’ve accumulated on your bedside table. Chuck them out, go to the supermarket, buy some ingredients (some green stuff preferably) and cook something… ANYTHING!
Plus, chances are you’ll have leftovers you can take to work the next day for lunch, and your co-workers will be blown away. Martha Stewart who? Yes! We STAN a meal prepping BITCH.
Wear Glasses
You know that scene in Princess Diaries where Anne Hathaway takes off her glasses and is suddenly beautiful? Do the opposite of that.
Glasses make you look smarter than you are, and smart people are more put-together than dumb people. Facts are facts.
Order A Long Black
Sure, your heart is saying “large caramel cappuccino with one sugar” but that is the drink of a child. Rule number one of being an adult is that you can no-longer enjoy things. Sorry, I don’t make the rules! Now order that long black and drink it up, you piece of shit.
KIDDING! But people will look at you in the line at your local cafe and think “wow, look at that grown-up human drinking a drink fit for a grown-up human!”
Saying Things Like, “I’m On The Paleo Diet”
Or “I’m on a cleanse” or even “No I won’t dig my gross hands into that packet of Doritos you’re offering me because I have willpower!” or… you get it.
Drink Tea
Tea drinkers are better than all of us. You just watch, when the rapture comes all who will survive will be tea drinkers and the grossly fit idiots who fell for the pyramid scheme that is F45. Don’t @ me.
Is it just scorching hot leaf water? Yes. Is it good for you? I assume so. Will it make you look like less of a gronk? Duh!
Wash Your Sheets
This one doesn’t really trick people because it’s something quite personal. Maybe you’re trying to trick your partner or the thotties you have over, you filthy animal! More than anything, this is just me telling you to change your sheets.
You and I both know it’s definitely time to change them… just… do it… for all of us.
Dress Extra Nice
I’m not saying to go out and buy a tux, a gown or a tiara, but when you dress nice, you feel nice and being more put-together just comes naturally, ya know? Bust out your ironing board, give your outfits a little press and you’ll feel a million bucks.
Oh, bonus tip: own an ironing board! That automatically adds at least 35 points to your grown-up-a-meter.
Keep Up-To-Date With News & Current Affairs
If you’re ever stuck in a lift, or caught in an awkward situation where you need to make small talk (eugh) with someone, being in the loop with what’s going on in the world and being able to form an opinion or even provide commentary on stuff will serve you well, and make you look and sound impressive.
But don’t forget to live your truth. Don’t give a fuck about politics? SAME! Very interested in what Amanda Bynes is up to? Me too! What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter what it is you’re interested in, all conversations are just sounds coming out of mouth holes.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my pro tips on appearing more put-together and less of a garbage person. If you didn’t enjoy it, I’m sorry but also like, not at all sorry!