10 Of The Most Important Pirates In TV & The Movies, Ranked
Captain Morgan is Junkee's new Captain of Culture and he's about to make some captain's calls about everything you love.
Motion pictures! Ha! What a concept.
I once thought the only way to relax was on deck with a little sunset and chill, but then I discovered streaming.
Mates, I’ve been on a binge.
Oh, the delights of film and television. There’s a bar called Cheers where everyone knows your name, not one, but two Bad Boys movies with Sir Will Smith (I read on the line they are making a third), and sometimes they say the title of the movie IN the movie; I like those ones the most.
During my conquest, I was aghast at how often ye have ignored the high seas. Sure, there are films about pirates, but not enough. Ye have made eight Fast and the Furious movies, but not enough about tall ships, the cars of the sea! And don’t get me started about TV – it’s slim pickings for a pirate like me.
But like when the ocean calls your name like an old lover – Elizabeth, is that you? – the pirates on your screens, blimey, I’d be honoured to share a rum with these rogues.
Since I took the helm at Junkee, I’ve learnt that no film or TV show can truly exist until it has been ranked, so here are the crew I’d pick.
#10 Sengh Brotherhood, The Phantom (1996)
The words on the poster for this film about a superhero who loves purple says, “Slam evil!” You bet I jumped right in and was rewarded with pirates! Huzzah! These are evil lads who – spoiler alert – get slammed.
#9 Abduwali Muse, Captain Phillips (2013)
I had to take a kip after this one ‘cause I was buggered, but what a thrill! In the scene where Muse says, “I am the captain now”, I said to the screen, “Well, I am the captain always”. I don’t think he could hear me, but I respect him as a captain.
#8 Captain Flint, Black Sails (2014-17)
Ah, Flint. Brilliant and feared. The title of this show is misleading though, ‘cause I counted very few black sails.
#7 Morgan Adams, Cutthroat Island (1995)
The name alone had me aghast! The great Geena Davis, who I can only assume is royalty in the motion picture world, goes in search of a stash of treasure on the fabled Cutthroat Island (the titular island, they say it a lot, you know I love it when that happens). Mates told me this film was a huge flop, but it was a rollicking good time.
#6 Captain Killian “Hook” Jones, Once Upon a Time (2012-18)
Once Upon a Time is a TV series where fairy tale characters live in modern times and one of them is Hook, played by the dashing Colin O’Donoghue. I’ve made note to send a letter to O’Donoghue if they ever decide to make a film about me.
#5 Long John Silver, Muppet Treasure Island (1996)
I found something I love more than motion pictures: The Muppets! Ye film barons need to make more films with these Muppets, a delightful bunch. A lucky few get to appear beside them in their movies and Tim Curry gets the honour of playing Long John Silver, a dastardly seadog with a beard that’s nearly as perfect as mine.
#4 Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl (2003)
A man who keeps stores of rum hidden on islands across the high seas is a man after my heart. After watching Mr Depp as Captain Jack, I can understand why Disney made five of these films. I’ve watched em’ all and this one remains the original and the best.
#3 Yondu, Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Pirates in space. Mind. Blown.
#2 Steve the Pirate, Dodgeball (2004)
When someone told me to watch Dodgeball, a film about sport, I thought, “Gee, I hope there’s a pirate in this”. Yo ho ho, there is! Bless ye, Alan Tudyk.
#1 Dread Pirate Roberts, The Princess Bride (1987)
The mention of Dread Pirate Roberts strikes fear into the hearts of anyone who mentions his name, but he’s a big softie. Carey Elwes is the perfect pirate in a perfect film. Frankly, I am surprised people bothered to make more films after The Princess Bride was released.
This article originally appeared on Junkee.
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(Lead image: Alonso Reyes / Unsplash)