Every Type Of Aussie You’ll Meet At The Beach This Summer
Australia is known to harbour some of the most beautiful beaches in the world.
White sand, crystal blue sea, and radiating sunshine are all the qualities that make millions of people all over the globe flock to see our beautiful coastline.
However, beaches all over the country are being ruined as we speak. Not by pollution or dredging, oh no, but by messy beach crowds who are tainting the peace with their ratchet-ness. Playing loud music, searching for gold, and getting absolutely sh*t faced, are all reasons why I’d rather have a pool day in my backyard.
With summer currently in full swing, we’ve put together a list of all the types of people/groups that you’d see at the beach, and trust us, this list is JAM PACKED with the specifics.
Honestly, take this article to the beach, and you’ll literally be able to pinpoint each of these people in your surroundings. It’s science.
Here Is Every Type Of Aussie You’ll See At The Beach:
1. The group of guys pretending like they haven’t got beers
If you’re part of this group, I have a secret for you: literally every single person on this beach knows that y’all are drinking, so quit trying to be suss.
There were bogans at the beach. Beach-bogans – doing what beach-bogans do best, which is sit around drinking and talking about cars.
— Nick Taylor (@ikostar) November 1, 2009
Using a stubby, disguising it in a t-shirt, or even pouring it into a Mount Franklin bottle is literally the furthest thing from chill so you may as well just drink normally and wait for your fine.
2. The dude that refuses to wear sunscreen
There’s always that one mate in every friendship group who is in denial about sunscreen. Apparently to him, SPF is the biggest conspiracy theory since 9/11, and wearing it is the equivalent of putting on a full face of makeup.
This guy never fails to drop the line “nah I don’t burn” when handed a bottle of Banana Boat, but guess what? 24 hours later, this guy turns up more sunburned than a charcoal chicken and is peeling so much that even potatoes are jealous.
3. The chick who is literally afraid of the sun
Ok but, why come to the beach if you’re going to wrap yourself in a fkn cacoon, and treat the sun as if it’s some airborne plague?
These people always have a beach towel around their entire body, and a smaller towel wrapped around their head. They may as well be bunking with Tutankhamun because they’re benefitting in no way by being there.
4. ‘Boyfriends of Instagram’
We’ve all been at the beach and seen a ‘boyfriend of Instagram’ taking photos of his girl as she parades around the shoreline. This guy always goes above and beyond, squatting down, going up high, pretty much doing whatever he can to make sure his girl has the shot.
5. Groups of tourists who literally just walk around
why do tourists wear jeans to the beach ???
— Megan Albamonti (@meganalbamontii) June 24, 2019
No matter what beach you’re at, you’ll never fail to see a giant flock of tourists walking around the shore.
They’re honestly just here for a good time and not a long time. They’re dressed in jeans, long sleeve tops, and jandals, and are seen walking along the water’s edge with umbrellas and selfie sticks at the ready.
6. The ‘influencer’
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I followed my heart and it lead me to the beach … 😋 ⠀ ⠀ #hotdogsorlegs #podróże #traveldiary #polskadziewczyna #adventureseeker #polishgirltravelstheworld #bucketlistadventure #polishgirl #relaks #adventurepic #wpodróży #travelforlife #urlop #tulum #mexicotourism #vacay #tulumbeach #beachlife #tulummexico #plaża #visitmexico #whitesands #wakacje #beachlover #beachvibes #yucatan #travelaroundtheworld #lato #yucatanmexico #meksyk ⠀ ⠀
Honestly, this person is only at the beach for the sole opportunity of gaining Instagram followers. She is often seen taking selfies, collecting seashells, or doing the ICONIC ‘hot dogs or legs’ type pic that’s hella snap worthy.
The influencer is always seen in the LATEST Triangl bikini and never stops to actually appreciate the beach because she’s on a mission to verification.
7. The family of four with the devilish kids
I'm at the beach with some annoying kids and kinda starting to see Squidward's point.
— Grey DeLisle-Griffin (@GreyDeLisle) November 29, 2012
Greg, Karen and their two kids are actually the worst. The parents have their Airpods in and are half asleep while their kids are wreaking havoc on everyone’s peace, destroying the beach with their devilish ways.
They’re screaming, crying and throwing sand everywhere, and nobody can do anything because we all know Karen will wake up and pop off.
8. That one guy that drowns and needs to be saved
i think my social anxiety sparked from being yelled at by lifeguards to stay between the flags
— liz j (@liz_johhnson) July 31, 2017
Why is there always that one dude who swims far beyond the flags and then ultimately needs to be rescued because the current pulled him the fk out? What part of BETWEEN THE FLAGS do you not get? STAY ALERT, STAY ALIVE.
9. That weird, treasure hunting old man
Can someone enlighten me? Is there a success story where a man in 2019 found a stack of gold in the middle of Bondi Beach? Like, what is he looking for?
This guy is always hella creepy, and usually unnecessarily shirtless. He waves his metal stick thingy WAAAYY too close to my personal space, and for that I think we need to ban these dudes from the beach.
10. The group of dudes burying their mate in the sand
This is funny in theory until it’s not. I swear only 10% of the people who attempt to do this actually end up finishing the job. It’s a fkn effort I tell ya, digging up enough sand to bury a human person.
People who do this think that they’re SOOO inventive when really it’s a trend coined up by Tumblr girls who wanted to have mermaid tails.
11. The girl reading Eat, Pray, Love
Dear white girl reading "Eat, Pray, Love" on the beach in Bali…oh, nevermind.
— J-Strizzle (@jstrauss) May 24, 2014
This girl is always on her back, tan as furk, and is holding up her Eat, Pray Love book with the front cover facing the crowd. She sits there by herself, hours on end, reading up until lunchtime where she packs up and heads to the local poke bowl place. However, if you look closely, the Eat, Pray Love cover is just an insert, and what she’s ACTUALLY reading is Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire.
12. The group of teens blasting ‘Rack City’ on their UE Boom
Please stop blasting country music on the beach
— 🧃 (@itsnicoleladuh) May 24, 2018
Listen, I come to the beach to relax, unwind, and listen to the sounds of the ocean. Under no circumstances do I want to sit there and have Playboi Carti ruin my vibe.
Don’t get me wrong, I can dip it n do it, but at the beach is not the place. If you want to listen to music, put your fkn headphones in and have a silent disco, because if I wanted to go to Marquee I wouldn’t have come to the beach.
13. The surfer dude
There’s a lot of surfers and not much surfing going on?!
— Marcus Liebenberg (@fuzzythang) November 21, 2019
Why is it that there are so many guys walking around with surfboards, and yet I look into the water and see nobody surfing? I swear this ‘ish is just for decoration, because some people be SWEARIN’ that they’re surfers, when the only thing they’ve ridden is their right hand on Tinder.
Plz, leave your surfboards at home, you’re taking up too much room.