The Lonely Bitch Guide To Conquering Valentine’s Day
Being single on Valentine’s Day can feel like a contagious virus.
The symptoms? Desperation, heartache, loneliness, etc. It usually starts with denial, followed by dating apps, and ends in tears and/or bitter self-loathing.
The cure? Unfortunately, there isn’t one. Millions of people around the globe have experienced severe symptoms and found themselves deep in the pits of an ice cream tub. We can only hope that researchers can find a fix…and fast.
If you're in love with me tell me right now before I buy 4 pints of icecream for valentines day
— Cece (@cece_dillon) February 3, 2020
Here at Punkee, we don’t want to see you down this Valentine’s Day, so we’ve put together some at-home remedies that will allow you to conquer some of the loneliness and become the best version of yourself that you can be. After all…what even is Valentine’s Day other than just another day of the year?
Here is The Lonely Bitch Guide To Conquering Valentine’s Day:
Bears do it, so why can’t we? Trust us, there’s no better way to ignore V-Day than by sleeping through the whole damn thing.
14 hours of extra sleep 🥱🥱 who da fuck is valentines day https://t.co/Ike2RJMJie
— david ✍🏽 (@wagwanbaby) February 6, 2020
After all, how can you feel depressed/lonely/sad if you aren’t even awake? Do yourself a favour: shut your blinds, flick your phone to Do Not Disturb, and prepare for a 24-hour journey of pure, ignorant bliss.
2. Cook a romantic dinner for yourself
Look, if you want to go into a restaurant by yourself then be my guest. I, however, don’t have the balls for this so if you don’t either then keep reading.
Honestly fam, TREAT YO SELF. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be spoiled? SPLURRGGEE!
Go get that steak you’ve always wanted to try but were reluctant to! Buy that red wine you’ve been eyeing but never got! Grab the $12 Ben And Jerry’s pint you’ve always craved but could never justify! Now’s your chance!
3. Stage a date to make someone jealous
Let me preface, there’s NOTHING wrong with being single. You are strong, independent, and the only person you need to impress is YOU. However, if you are in the position where you need to make someone jealous on Valentine’s Day, I gotchu.
Hannah made me pretend to be a boy so she can make her other boyfriends jealous on Snapchat pic.twitter.com/WKpRfNm3WQ
— A (@x_AEH1) June 27, 2017
Speaking from experience…one time on Valentine’s Day I shaved my arm, put concealer on my veins, painted my nails, added cheap jewellery and took a snap JUST so I could pretend that I was out with another girl that night. Honestly fam, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
If you need to make someone think that you’ve moved on when you probably haven’t, then invite a friend over, use them as a hand/arm model, and get creative.
4. Get trashed
I mean, what better way to suppress the loneliness than by getting absolutely hammered? Sure, it can be by yourself, we’re not judging, but if you’ve got a couple of other single friends then invite them over and y’all can ALL get lit together.
Beer works fine…wine works better….but vodka works fantastic. Don’t skimp out tonight, the hard liquor is where it’s at. Our only advice…keep your phone locked up somewhere far away, because we don’t need any drunk texts to your ex going on.
Also hydrate in between drinks, you beautiful bitch.
5. Play the ULTIMATE prank
Okay, this one’s just for fun. But if you and your mates are having a BOSS time on Valentine’s Day and are looking for something fun to do, twitter user @xxsomebunnyxx had a great suggestion:
If you’re bored on Valentine’s Day just go up to random couples in restaurants and yell “Who the hell is she?!”
— Piper (@xxsomebunnyxx) January 27, 2020
If this isn’t genius then IDK what is. Obviously please proceed with caution, but if you’re feeling EXTRA spicy, throw in a “WHERE MY MF CHILD SUPPORT AT?!” while you’re there (EVIL LOL). Just be sure to tell them it’s a joke at the end.
6. Stay away from dating apps
Let me preface, the only people who are on dating apps on Valentine’s Day are Debbie Desperados. Trust us, no one has ever found a longterm relationship from going on Tinder at 8pm on the 14th of Feb. Even if you’re just looking for a quick one night stand to take the edge off, the clientele on this night ain’t it, sis.
Do yourself a favour and just hold off until the next day.
7. Give yourself a MAKEOVER
Before I go on, let me start by saying that you’re perfect just the way you are. Seriously, you’re beautiful/hot/funny/what’s on the inside is what counts/blah blah blah…whatever. Ok, COOL, now that that’s out of the way, let’s continue.
Tonight is the night for you spoil yourself. I’m talking hair, makeup, nails, outfit, the whole shebang. Even if you’re not going anywhere, you could get a couple of ‘grams to post later in the week. Self-care is important, and as long as you’re feeling 10/10 tonight, that’s all that matters.
8. Netflix and chill
Don’t get any ideas…I’m literally telling you to watch Netflix…and chill. If everyone else is doing it anyway then why can’t you? The best part is, if someone asks you what you did on V-Day you can say “Netflix and chill” confidently, and you won’t be lying. Win/Win!
9. Do whatever the fk you normally would do
Honestly tho, who tf INVENTED Valentine’s Day? Was it Jesus? John Howard? Whoever it was, it’s really just another day!
Don’t let the hype of it all stop you from living your best life. If you had a gym class booked in, then go! If you planned to go to the movies that night with your mum, do it! Even if you were booked in to fall asleep at 9pm watching My Kitchen Rules, why should your iCal event stop you?! LIVE YOUR LIFE.