Punkee Recaps Vanderpump Rules: Honestly, Less Sperm Than Expected

It’s episode 12 and we’re kicking things off on the set of Scheana’s music video shoot for the remixed version of a song she released over a decade ago, which instantly makes me happy. Lala and Ariana arrive to not only support their gal pal but to feature in the video. We’re all very excited!

“I just got Katie’s text. What the fuck, she’s not coming?” Lala asks Scheana. Scheana explains that Katie had messaged her saying she’d have to sit this one out as she’s too unwell, but in her interview, Scheana ponders, “Are you really sick or are you trying to avoid Lala after that big fight?” Either way, the show must go on. “Let’s roll this shit!” exclaims the songstress. 

Over at James and Ally’s, the latter summons the former into the lounge room. “James, you have to come listen to this! It’s insane,” she tells him. She is of course referring to Raquel’s infamous interview with Bravo anti-hero Bethenny Frankel, a former disgruntled RHONY Housewife who in the past year has launched a crusade against the Bravo network, AKA the “reality reckoning”. “Apparently Rachel went on some podcast, she’s like blaming Hippie’s behaviour on you. Like what the fuck!” Ally tells James. “She thinks she has this whole platform where she’s just gonna talk shit about me, and make me seem like a bad doggy dad. It’s ridiculous,” he responds despondently.

Back at the video shoot, Lala asks the girls about the podcast, which has been doing the rounds since its release that morning. “I mean, she says that they were just acquaintances at best,” Scheana explains, gesturing to Ariana. “That’s funny…” Ariana quips. “Rachel and I spent a tonne of time together, when she says that we weren’t that good of friends, it’s either her telling herself that just so she feels better about what she did or it’s her saying I didn’t think fucking shit about Ariana,” she vents in her interview.

Scheana continues, telling Ariana and Lala that Raquel claimed Scheana had a saviour complex and that their friendship was mutually beneficial, referencing the fact that Scheana let Raquel stay in her unused apartment during quarantine. “Bitch, you contributed $1000 to my $4300 rent, you didn’t pay for parking, you didn’t pay for cable, you didn’t even stock toilet paper and you had sex in my bed!” bursts Scheana. Don’t @ her because she will quite literally always have receipts! 

We’re back at James and Ally’s, still discussing the podcast. “It’s just like no accountability. She says that she was just upset after your breakup, she wasn’t over you, she never actually loved Tom, which is funny cos that’s not what she was saying last summer,” Ally tells him, and wonders how Sandoval would be feeling hearing this. James tells her that Sandoval invited him to open for his band’s next gig, acknowledging that he’s above the opening slot however the venue is great so worth saying yes to. In his interview, he acknowledges that he’s aware that both he and Sandoval have been dishonest to each other, explaining, “I’m trying to figure out my relationship with Sandoval. I’m trying to figure out our friendship, was it ever real? Can it be salvaged?”

At the video shoot, Lala asks Ariana if she can host her sperm donor party at her and Sandoval’s house. I find this a bit weird given she’s been on Ariana’s case so much about the living arrangements, but I guess everything is a bit weird when you’re throwing a sperm party. “It’s a hot mess now without Ann,” Ariana explains, declining Lala’s request, “But I would’ve loved to. You can get inseminated at my new house if you want!” A truly generous and unique gesture of friendship.

“This is a monumental moment in my life,” says Lala in her interview. “I want to take the science jargon out of it a little bit, so I’m trying to figure out little ways where I can look at this new baby and be like, ‘You were brought here out of so much love’. It may look different but love is love.” Love IS love and I love this. Lala tells the girls that it’s all g, as matriarch Lisa V has offered her place for the party.

Over to Schwartz’s sad apartment – he’s playing with the dogs, telling them they’re all he’s got, and WHERE is the lie? 

Sandoval arrives and is an immediate bummer. “Sorry I’m just like, really shell-shocked right now,” he tells Schwartz. “Raquel went on a podcast, I just listened to it. She’s like, ‘I wasn’t in love with Tom’. She’s acting as though she’s somehow got it the worst out of everybody,” he vents to Schwartz. “I made changes to myself, like, thinking that maybe one day she would see all the hard work I’ve done on myself and appreciate it.” Sandoval is crying, btw. That feels important to share. “Regardless of what she says on a podcast, she probably just wants her voice to be heard before she goes and pursues her new life, whatever that looks like. But it’s over man,” Schwartz tells him. 

The next day, the Toms are meeting Lisa at TomTom (of all places) to discuss business. “TomTom will never be Pump and nor would we want it to be,” Lisa explains in her interview, “but we want to keep that spirit alive!” Keeping Pump spirit alive = adding brunch to the TomTom menu.

Schwartz arrives and Lisa immediately mocks his blonde hair, however, the bartender Logan (one of Ariana’s besties) thinks Schwartz looks hot. Ehhhhh.

“I’m a little worried about Tom after that podcast came out,” Schwartz tells Lisa. “Who cares what she’s got to say? As long as she’s safe and well,” Lisa replies, clearly over Sandoval’s inability to move on. “Listen, the affair is over,” says Schwartz. “Of course it’s over, she’s been away for three months!” Lisa exclaims. 

Sandoval arrives, bringing the mood down yet again.

“Hey, you’re late,” Lisa greets him, unimpressed by his behaviour. He musters up a very lacklustre apology. “You wanna do this? We don’t have to do this,” Lisa asks him, with Schwartz taking it upon himself to yeet. 

“Why are you so unhappy?” she asks Sandoval, questioning why he’s listening to Raquel’s interview in the first place. “I’m listening to it cos I wanna know what’s being said about me,” he tells Lisa. Their dynamic is very ‘pissed off Mother/petulant son’. “Stop listening to it!” she exclaims. “I don’t want Sandoval to start spiralling when we just got him to a place where it was starting to even out,” she tells us in her interview.  Lisa asks him about the house, and he tells her he’s taking a couple of days to think about Ariana’s counteroffer as his thoughts have changed in the last two months since the initial offer. Urgh the legislative undertone of this series is making me sleepy. 

Lala arrives at TomTom, and she’s not here to waste time. “Well, may I host my sperm donor party at your home tomorrow?” she asks Lisa, laughing. “Everyone’s gonna be jerking off in my garden?” Lisa responds. I wouldn’t be surprised if this has actually transpired at Lisa’s’ given some of the stories she has recounted from her raucous past. 

Reiterating that she doesn’t want sperm being thrown around her house, Lala assures Lisa that it will be a classy shindig. “You’ll each get a packet and you’ll all vote,” she explains, which seems like such a fun and cool way to choose the father of your child. Sensing Lisa’s hesitation, Lala gets emotional. “Lisa, allow me to be excited about this,” she requests. “You really wanna do this?” Lisa asks, “Well, then I give it my blessing”. CUTE AND SPECIAL.

Next up, we head to Ariana’s place, which is a literal dump. 

Scheana and Brock arrive, and Ariana spills the tea about Sandoval. “So Logan was at TomTom earlier, he said he’s now having second thoughts and he might wanna sell the house,” she tells them in a hushed tone, making me assume Sandoval is upstairs. “The house could’ve been sold in fucking March and I could’ve been out of here!” In her interview, Ariana is pissed. “Maybe honestly, when he got an actual look at what it will take to buy me out from the house, he realised that financially he just can’t fucking do it.” 

They discuss Raquel’s podcast, which has been dropping in instalments, and Scheana references her new song, ‘Apples’ – a literal diss track in response to the podcast. “I have a new song with The 27s. The song when I first wrote it was only about Raquel, but then we wanted to extend the second verse and we just had some lines that we added that were so directed at Tom. I’m just trying to take a traumatic experience and turn it into a nice piece of art,” Scheana tells us in her interview. Any music Scheana puts out is definitely art and I won’t hear otherwise.

Brock and Scheana are being absolute cuties helping Ariana clean the house. “I know my mental state is best in like, cleaner spaces,” Scheana tells Ariana. “You have a lot on your shoulders obviously. You can seem like you’re doing amazing on Instagram and have a great boyfriend but there’s still a lot you’re dealing with”. They ask how they can help and it’s all very sweet. 

“I’ve always known Tom and Ariana’s house to be on the messier side but if it’s so messy now that she’s not even wanting to have people over it worries me that maybe she’s falling back into a dark place and I don’t want the messy house to be a reflection of her mental health,” Scheana tells us in her interview. A true mental health advocate. “Mum and Dad are here!” Brock proclaims. Awwwwwww! Ariana tries to stop Scheana from going through Sandoval’s clothes. “It could be like sweaty and gross!” she warns. “We’ve got a kid, we pick up shit like once a day,” Brock reminds her. I’d probably take toddler nappies over anything Sandoval has touched tbh.

The next scene is Sandoval’s band’s rehearsal. There are 28 people in this band and it sounds terrible. 

There are bongos involved, smoke machines and Sandoval dancing like an idiot. This man is in his FORTIES. James arrives and is politely nodding his head along but clearly having a shit time. He brought Hippie and Sandoval is stoked to see him. We must not forget, that the two got very close during that seven-month period Sandoval was having sex with Hippie’s former owner Raquel while still dating his girlfriend of nine years Ariana. Lol. “How about this little guy? He’s been the talk of the town,” says James, referring to the podcast. “So have you.”

Still pouting about Raquel, Sandoval gets back on his BS. “I cared for her way more than she fucking cared for me dude,” he tells James. “It’s fucking bullshit, it’s so fucking disrespectful!” Probably equally fucking disrespectful venting to Raquel’s ex-fiance, but go on. 

James clearly isn’t having it, trying to move Sandoval along. “After the breakup, I went and lived my life. I’m done with the talking shit,” he tells him. “I didn’t get any kind of closure,” Sandoval whines. “Fuck closure,” James says bluntly.

Sandoval brings up the fact that Raquel said she only gave James an ultimatum to quit drinking because she thought he wouldn’t do it. James retaliates, “She also said on the podcast that she was never in love with you. Right? And that, like, she got with you because she wasn’t quite over me.” Once again, the two argue and I can’t really make out why but I do know it’s petty and the scene ends with Sandoval telling James, “Go push some buttons on your fucking laptop,” because he’s the worst.

Finally, the day we’ve all been waiting for – Lala’s sperm donor party! 

‘Who’s your Daddy?’ decor is scattered through Lisa’s stunning gorgeous garden, it’s all perfect. Lala tells Lisa that after mingling, they’ll play ‘Pin the Sperm on the Vagina’, a game I don’t recall playing during my childhood birthday parties unless I repressed it. 

Guests arrive (the usual suspects) and everyone is happy and lovely and supportive. “I’m just a couple hours away from choosing my baby daddy. I have so many people who are supportive of me, who love my daughter a lot who I just know are gonna love on my new baby,” Lala tells us.

Ally is sitting with Katie and decides to check in on her after hearing about Katie and Lala’s argument. “It just sounded like you’re a little miserable and getting upset about things easily,” Ally tells her. I LOVE how unintentionally messy Ally is; a heart of gold but absolutely no ability to soften her approach. 

Immediately defensive, Katie responds. “I’m definitely not miserable. I’m tired of dumb shit getting brought up to me.” In her interview, Katie is confused. “Since when did Lala start talking shit about me behind my back instead of just saying it to my face?”

Over at Sandoval’s, Schwartz arrives and calls out Sandoval’s weird lounging position.

“You look like a villain sitting over there,” he laughs. “You kinda are a villain actually.” We briefly see a man named Craig (who we also briefly saw last week at the single’s mixer) and learn that he is Ann’s replacement. Once again I must say, JUSTICE FOR ANN. “I first met Craig cos he was a bartender at Schwartz and Sandy’s, things didn’t work out with Ann so Craig’s like coming on board,” Sandoval tells us. 

Chatting about the house, villain Sandoval tells Schwartz he has a proposition for him. “Don’t say what I think you’re gonna say!” Schwartz laughs. “I would consider keeping the house if I had a… roommate,” Sandoval tells him. “Dude, the optics of that are horrible for me,” Schwartz responds. “Someone would make voodoo dolls of us and like, pin them and needle them!”. “Someone already did that!” Sandoval exclaims. Yikes.

Sandoval tells Schwartz he’d only need to pay $6k a month for rent and Schwartz is like lol wtf, telling him he could not in good conscience make those payments with nothing in return. “We could get a loan,” Sandoval explains. “WE?” Schwartz is shocked, “They would look at us like two nincompoops.” Honey, we already do. Schwartz asks whether the girls are at Lala’s sperm party, to which Sandoval replies, “Yeah, they’re at the jizzfest.” Why does this man ruin EVERYTHING.

Over at Lisa’s, Lala is thanking her guests for their participation. “This is not how I pictured my life and I’m just beyond grateful that this is an option. If there’s one thing I feel like I’m good at in this life it’s that I’m a good mama,” she cries (as do I). 

“So this is very fun, but obviously we’re picking my baby daddy. So let’s pin the sperm on the vagina!” That’s my Lala. Lisa goes first and it’s all very ridiculous and cute. “I had a blindfold on, how am I supposed to find the vagina? I can barely find my own!” Lisa laughs in her interview. We see all the girls having a go at it and reproduction has never looked so fun!

“Okay bitches and gays, let’s pick a fucking donor!” Lala announces and I’m screaming. Also, Brian is back!!! Brian who we love from last week’s episode at the sperm bank. He’s my number one draft pick but that’s another story. We learn that there are three contenders, and Lala reads out their stats. Donor number 1 is 6’2 with a lean athletic build, and his favourite animal is a lion, which is Lala’s too apparently. “Let’s close the binders, open up Lala’s legs, cos this is her sperm!” Scheana mic drops.  Donor number 2 has a masters in art history and loves dogs, which obviously gets Lisa’s stamp of approval. Donor number 3 majored in accounting and finance and is passionate about cooking. “You don’t cook!” Lala’s mum exclaims. “Ok, we’re not shopping for the man, you guys. Just the sperm!” LOL. 

Each of her guests has a paddle with a smiley face and a frowny face on either side, which they will use to cast their vote on Lala’s baby daddy. The verdict is in, donor number 1 wins! He’s hot, I can feel it. “You guys, I have my friggin donor!” Lala exclaims. I’m so emotional! “We’re doing it! I have my baby daddy!” Lala beams in her interview. “Going this route to have a baby is giving me what my heart and soul so badly wants.” She tells the group that she’s planning on a November/December insemination, and Lisa wraps things up by yelling, “I’m having more fun conceiving your baby than I did my own!” 

The next day, James and Ally discuss the sperm party, with Ally sharing her frustration that the donors didn’t include their birth charts. “Let me see your GPA in high school and your sun sign.” She tells James that Lisa asked when the two of them were having babies, and how she told Lisa they weren’t rushing into anything. “I definitely see like, babies in our future together,” James tells her, but Ally isn’t too sure. “I don’t know”, she tells him, explaining that she’s never felt that pull to have a baby or get married.

 Poor James gets emotional. “These are things that I want and that I’ve worked my whole life for. I see that future with you and kids with you, and it scares me when you say you’re not ready and we’ve been together for a year and a half.” We see more vulnerability during his interview. “I think about everything that I’ve gone through leading me to this moment, and like, this girl who I’m completely in love with is basically telling me that she’s like never had plans to have kids. I mean like honestly it breaks my fucking heart.” Normalise seeing men be the ones who are emotional about settling down!! “The love chapter for me has just never been what I thought it was gonna be when I was younger,” James tearfully tells Ally. “I’m dating you because I love you and I do see a future with you, and I wouldn’t be with you if I did not,” she assures him, and me.

 We head over to TomTom for its first-ever brunch! Schwartz arrives with a bottle for shots, followed by Katie and Ariana, then Sandoval. James then arrives and apologises to Sandoval, who reciprocates. He tells us in his interview that chatting with Ally has reminded him he needs to be the bigger person, which is never hard when it comes to Sandoval.

Lala and Scheana arrive, and the girls all sit down for brunch. Lala asks Ally and Katie what they were off chatting about at the sperm party, and Katie tells her the truth. “She mentioned at paintball that you said it seems like I’m miserable and getting angry at everything.” Lala doesn’t believe that she would have said that verbatim, but approaches with caution. “I was gonna have a conversation with you because I feel like maybe you’re not in a happy place right now.” “You’re wrong,” Katie tells her. “I wanna know that I don’t trigger you, cos when you said at girls’ night that you don’t think that I’m loyal or consistent…” Katie cuts Lala off. “It’s not that I don’t think that you’re loyal or consistent, but I’m just saying that like, your softness is going to people that are like, not necessarily the most deserving people.” 

“I think because like, you and I were inseparable last year, and friends go through things. Life changes. You and Ariana are very close now, I don’t even know where my place is,” Lala admits, with Ariana reaching over and holding Lala’s hand. Lala thinks it’s a divide between the childless gals and the mums, but Katie jumps in and explains it’s got nothing to do with that.  Scheana tells Katie that Lala is the kind of friend who needs a check-in, and Lala is crying. “I would love to have Lala as a close friend in my life, always. But it goes both ways,” Katie tells us in her interview. “Everything you’re saying is correct,” Lala tells Katie, “I want us to show up for each other”. “Yes,” Katie tearfully agrees. “Can we go back to being the Spice Girls now?” Lala jokes, to a resounding ‘yeeeeesssss’ from the group.

In the final scene of the episode, we see the Toms sitting separately at a table and discussing properties. Sandoval, still trying to sell Schwartz on the idea of being housemates, tells him, “After living with Ariana who is pretty much an enemy…” however stops talking as he sees Scheana approaching. She asks Sandoval how he is, and he once again pouts about the podcast. “I feel betrayed and hurt,” he tells her. “I wrote a song about it!” Scheana proudly tells them. Sandoval asks her if the song is about the affair, and she tells him it’s open to interpretation. “There’s one line where it says, ‘From a Ferrari to a Jetta, thought that you knew betta’,” Scheana explains. Schwartz laughs in his interview about the fact that Raquel literally drives a Jetta. “You’d feel differently if you went through what I went through and I was writing a song about you,” Sandoval snaps at Scheana. He storms out, yelling “Quit cashing in on my mystery”.

BRB, gonna go stream ‘Apples’ on repeat until The Tortured Poet’s Department comes out.

Written by Lil Friedmann, lover of all things Bravo and staunch defender of reality television. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.

Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules is available to stream on Hayu from 31 January, with episodes dropping the same day as the USA.

Image credit: Bravo, Hayu + Punkee