Punkee Recaps Vanderpump Rules: Jax Is, Unfortunately, Back
Episode 13 commences with a classic filler montage including Lala shopping for non-alcoholic bevs, Katie watering her plants and Ariana FaceTime flirting with current long-distance boyf Dan. “I hear footsteps… scared!” she whispers over the phone as she hears current housemate/ex-boyf Sandoval approaching. A real house of horrors.
In a much happier house across town, we find James in his studio working on new music. Ally joins him and he plays her a phat bassline he’s been working on. She seemingly approves. Suddenly, KNOCK KNOCK! Who’s there? It’s Jax Taylor standing at the front gate! The producers instantly troll him, referencing him as “Jax (ex-SUR employee)” which is the petty editing I adore.
“I feel like I’m in Palm Springs!” Jax announces, taking in the views of the pad for the first time. “Listen to this one, Jax,” James exclaims, playing one of his DJ tracks. “Is this what we’re playing on Saturday?” Jax asks. Uh oh, what is happening on Saturday?
Image Credit: Bravo
“Jaxxy Boy and me have come a long way. I’m pretty sure the last time we were working at SUR together we hated each other,” James tells us in an interview before we see a montage of footage from older Vanderpump seasons of Jax v. James. “He said he wanted to host a night at SUR and I thought let’s take baby steps right? Let’s do a brunch.” For the real ones, you’ll understand that at some point in time, hell must have frozen over for this to take place.
“So who’s showing up to this thing?” Jax asks, “My best friend Katie’s gonna be there?” Ally has to leave to go do a reading (bless) but she openly asks James to get the tea for her so she doesn’t miss out (BLESS). Jax launches into his anti-Katie tirade. “Apparently Katie, she’s telling everybody now that I cheated on my wife. Is she that pissed off? She can’t fuck any more of her ex husbands’ friends, so she has to come after me, or what?”. Ahhh Jax, every time I forget how much of an asshole you are, you remind me within the first five minutes of opening your mouth.
“I hope Jax isn’t cheating on Brittany. Let’s face it, Jax Taylor has a chequered past,” James reflects in his interview, with producers splicing in one of Pump’s most iconic scenes from season six where Jax admits to cheating on Brittany and Brittany tells him to ROT IN HELL (pronounced “rawt” due to her divinely thick Kentucky accent).
Image Credit: Bravo/X – @Danny Pellegrino
The boys are shooting hoops, and you can tell Jax is feeling a little rusty and unsure of how to approach his return to SUR. “I don’t know what my relationship with Lisa is like now,” he laughs at James. “I just feel like the respect was broken,” James theorises.
Both of these men have a long history of disrespecting Lisa, however, James has always been the naughty puppy who pees on the rug, and Jax is more of the rabid bulldog biting the hand that feeds him. “I’m not gonna bow down to her, just because you know, you own a couple of restaurants in Hollywood. Come on,” Jax whines. James suggests he brings her some flowers and acts as the bigger person, which Jax alleges he can be. I’ll believe it when I see it mate.
Over at Scheana and Brocks, KNOCK KNOCK, AGAIN. This time, it’s Jax’s wife Brittany! Everyone is stoked to see each other and we’re all hugging. “I have known Brittany literally a day less than Jax has known Brittany,” Scheana tells us in her interview, before explaining that their babies were born two weeks apart and that they have really connected during motherhood. “We can both talk about our husbands and the shit they put us through at home,” and that, my friends, is true sisterhood.
Brittany reveals that she and Jax are about to start trying again for another baby (a TERRIBLE idea), while Scheana shares she’s in no rush to get pregnant again given how horrible the experience was. “How are you and Brock going?” Brittany asks. “Brock and I have just been at each other’s throats lately,” she tells Brittany, explaining how they’re even arguing over their upcoming anniversary celebrations.
Over at a cafe, we see Brock chatting with a fellow Aussie mate. He explains the lack of nanny situation yet again, and how it’s adding to his tension with Scheana as she is now the main breadwinner. “Since we sold the gyms bro, it’s been different. We’re no longer hustling, working our asses off,” Brock explains. For those who don’t know, he and his mates owned a bunch of F45 gyms in San Diego that were shut down once the pandemic hit. He explains in his interview that his career trajectory has taken him from dairy farmer, to rugby player, to gym owner and now stay-at-home dad (a classic tale). “But it’s not for the fact that I’m not happy where I’m at, it’s just finding a career gives me more of a purpose.” Seems reasonable.
Back on the couch, Scheana tells Brittany she worries that Brock feels unappreciated. “When I was making more money, I could tell that was like a shift for Jax, we were fighting a lot because of that alone,” Brittany empathises, “I think because they’re like, manly men, that that could be something, even if they don’t express it.” Manly men, guys. They have feelings too!
“I feel like there are all of these standards like men and women feel like they have to meet. Like, why can’t you be the stay-at-home dad? Why can’t the woman go out and make the money?” Scheana preaches during her interview. “Oh, don’t start crying!” Brittany pleads as Scheana gets visibly emotional. “No, just like my OCD and anxiety and all that. Like, I got on Zoloft for a month, and I felt like I was doing so much better,” Scheana tells Brittany, who asks if she’s still on it currently. “No, because it was making me so tired,” Scheana responds, “I need the energy for my kid.”
The two discuss the sources of Scheana’s anxiety, which up until this point we have been told is largely parenting related. “It’s just like, now I have even worse intrusive thoughts. Like, I trust my husband. He’s amazing, but it’s just like, people make comments about like, him and Lala all the time,” she tells Brittany, who looks bewildered. “Why? Just cos they’re close friends?” she questions Scheana. “They’re like, ‘Oh, we see the way Lala’s eyes light up when Brock walks in the room. Like, watch out’. And I’m like, I don’t think that at all, but my brain goes there now.” Scheana also explains that she has these thoughts about hiring a nanny, which might explain the delay. “You’re gonna get through this, we’ll figure something out,” Brittany assures her.
Next up, we see currently amicable exes Schwartz and Katie meeting up for a bite. “I know that I told Tom that I wouldn’t see him one on one, but there’s still some part of me that does want to have some type of friendship with Tom,” Katie explains in her interview. They’re immediately bantering about Schwartz’s bleached blonde hair and Katie asks if the photos Schwartz posted at the hair salon with Jo was a hard launch.
Image credit: @tomschwartz Instagram
“I said ‘oh boy’ and everyone got annoyed at me,” Katie tells him, referring to her comment on his grid pic. “I’ve always been clear, I’ve said I don’t wanna date, I don’t wanna have a girlfriend. We more or less decided to just maybe take a break from hanging out so much,” he tells Katie. “Oh boy,’ she responds. Love that.
“She said something that really broke my heart, she was like, ‘Are you embarrassed of me?’ and it made me feel so sad,” he tells Katie. “But Tom, that’s your own fault cos you were so elusive about it,” Katie mic drops. “I was, but that was last year and I was in a very weird place,” he admits, before asking Katie about her current dating situation. “I am getting to know people but in a more, like, intentional kind of way, but like also, I have zero expectations,” she tells him.
I’m shocked at how mature and normal this dynamic is feeling, until Schartz asks Katie how her date was with Tori. Remember how they hooked up with the same girl a few weeks ago? Yeah. Katie gloats about how she got tongue while Schwartz only got a peck, and Schwartz suggests they both text Tori simultaneously to see who she responds to faster. Schwartz somehow wins, but Katie’s not sweating it. “I know it’s weird but I think Katie pursuing the girl I’ve been hanging out with is her way of saying ‘I miss hanging out’. I think that’s our post-divorce love language,” Schwartz tells us in his interview. Look, it’s unconventional, but it’s working for them.
It’s date night!! Scheana and Brock are celebrating their anniversary and Scheana is on the bevs tonight. “You look very handsome, I saw you getting dressed and I was looking at that juicy booty,” she tells Brock, who looks equal parts entertained and mortified. “I did bring some toys to the hotel room,” Scheana laughs. Ok cute, I’m vibing this fun parents night out!!
“I feel like we have been at each other’s throats lately, but when I made the decision to marry Brock, I was like, this is my person for life,” Scheana tells us, making a joke about how they did get a prenup just in case, but she doesn’t know where it is. The couple cheers. “We did a year honey! Technically two”, Brock toasts. If you watched last season, you’ll recall that Scheana revealed the night before the wedding that the two had in fact already been married for a year in secret. Cute cute cute.
“We do need some more, like, one on one date nights and stuff, you know?” Scheana tells Brock. “I spoke to Luke about it yesterday, I don’t know what I’m doing right now. When I first moved over here I could visualise, and that got me to the front doors of the NFL and I didn’t make it. So when I haven’t been successful for anything, and you’re the main breadwinner in the family, that puts pressure on you,” Brock shares, “All I wanna do is take the pressure off you so you can enjoy yourself more”. HONEST AND VULNERABLE.
“But you do that. You take a lot of pressure off me, you’re so available and present for our daughter when I do have to work,” she reassures Brock. “Like, put the sports ego and manliness aside. Have you ever thought that this is your second chance at being a dad and you get to be the best fucking dad to this kid?” Scheana and Brock are both crying, and Brock explains in his interview that he’s continually working to improve the relationship he has with his two older kids, “So that hopefully one day, they are willing enough to bring me back into their life”.
“I think you are one of the most tenacious, amazing people I’ve ever met in my entire life, so when you don’t see how much that is worth to me, it makes me feel sometimes like we’re not enough,” Scheana explains to him. “I don’t want you to think that I want more than our family,” he assures her. “I love you honey.” The two agree they need to do some couples therapy and it ends on a nice note. These two sure can bicker, but it’s nice to see moments where they’re communicating so openly and thoughtfully with each other. NORMALISE IT.
The next day, one idiot named Tom collects another idiot named Tom to go get tattoos.
“This is not a midlife crisis, this is a midlife revival,” Schwartz proclaims in his interview, whereas Sandoval straight up refers to their behaviour as “a trashy midlife crisis.” It’s rare I agree with Sandoval over Schwartz, but here we are. They arrive at the tattoo studio and Schwartz reveals he’s getting a portrait of his two dogs inked on his back. “I’ve actually converted all of my true loves into tattoos,” he tells us, with production reminding us he has both Katie and Lisa’s names tattooed on his butt.
“It’s gonna be interesting in San Francisco,” Sandoval says, out of nowhere. “The whole gang’s coming, Ariana’s coming,” Schwartz replies. We learn that friend of Sandoval/the show Kyle Chan is releasing a whisky line, and everyone is invited to the launch. Scheana is even performing ‘Good as Gold’! “Any updates on the house?” Schwartz asks Sandoval, who is still trying to push the roommate idea. “Dude, I think we could live together,” he tells Schwartz, who ain’t buying it. “Woah woah woah. We can’t. Dude the bar almost ruined me!”
“I just wanna make sound financial decisions from here on out. I mean, the last high stakes venture I did with Sandoval, you know, it’s kinda still haunting me to this day.” Schwartz tells us in his interview. “If I can live with my ex, I can live with..” Sandoval says, falling off his stool before finishing the sentence. “That’s karma! Ariana got you with that one,” Schwartz laughs.
In a reminder that this show is set in LA, James and Ally go to a face gym. They get the signature sculpt and there’s a sign on the wall that says “Take Care of Your Selfie.” This all tracks. ”I’m not really about plastic surgery, you know? This is all natural. But keeping that jaw structure tight, that’s important” James explains. Fair. This scene is pretty filler to be honest (no pun intended). Basically, James and Ally discuss how they have an upcoming interstate wedding, and James is being a bit territorial over Hippie. It’s giving Scheana/Summer Moon.
“We’ve already made a lot of sacrifices with the cats, like not sleeping with them. That’s not good for our relationship if I just start getting comfortable sleeping in the guest room just so I can sleep with the cats,” Ally tells James. Huh? You guys sleep in different beds so you each can sleep with your respective pets? Animal owners are weird. “You have to make compromises somewhere,” Ally proclaims.
Next, Ariana is using the home gym and FaceTiming boyfriend Dan. “You’re gonna come to San Francisco with me?” she asks him, assuring him not to worry about hanging out with everybody (everybody clearly meaning Sandoval). New assistant Craig interrupts to ask Ariana how much longer Ariana plans on using the gym, as his boss Sandoval is hoping to get a workout in. Give the people what they want!! (ANN.) Sandoval is downstairs FaceTiming with a realtor, so hopefully this means some sort of progress.
SUR BRUNCH! James is spinning tunes and the gang arrives looking snatched. The girls sit down together and the Toms greet them, Sandoval still initially sheepish in these settings. Around the corner, the Matriarch is sitting with her SUR business partner Guillermo. “Why are we having a brunch hosted by Jax Taylor?” she asks him, with Guillermo informing her that they’re at overcapacity. “I know, but Jax Taylor’s been so disrespectful to me publicly,” she reminds him. We see a clip from a recent podcast interview where Jax refers to Lisa as “a prop” on the show. You know? The show that has her last name on it? Yeah.
James greets the two and sits down. “I didn’t know that you were hosting brunches with Jax?” Lisa asks James. “It hasn’t been an ongoing thing, like, it’s just been something he’s been asking us both for a while,” James explains. “Jax has been pretty detrimental about me in the past, and God knows I’ve given that man many chances,” Lisa tells us in her interview, “but if you’re going to negate me publicly, then why come and have an event at my restaurant?” Good question, boss.
Jax enters SUR and you can see all eyes on him as he saunters through the restaurant. “Hello, hello. Can I sit down?” he asks Lisa, pulling up a chair. “Well, if you have to,” she jabs. The two get into it, with Lisa grilling him about his nonchalance despite his actions. “She’s not needed, she’s superfluous,” Lisa imitates Jax, referring to the prop podcast comments. “I don’t even know what that word means,” Jax responds, like the big boofhead he is. “Oh come on Jax, you’ve heard the word ‘superfluous’,” Lisa eyerolls. “Everybody knows my vocabulary doesn’t go that high,” Jax insists. It’s at this point James gets out dictionary.com and reads Jax the definition. This is television.
James leaves, and Jax and Lisa continue to exchange barbs. “Ok, so here we go. The last three years, you haven’t checked in on me or my wife,” Jax tells Lisa, “You wrote me off!” Lisa snaps, “You’re such a fucking hypocrite!” Jax does what Jax does best, and issues a blanket, soulless apology. “If I said something wrong in the heat of the moment, I apologise,” he tells Lisa. She tells him she wasn’t gonna continue beefing with him, but was pissed off seeing the name of her business on his flyer and would be remiss not to say anything. He agrees, and they agree to move on, kind of? He tells her he loves her and hugs her, and she says “I kinda love ya too but you’re really fucking annoying.” It’s giving me in a relationship (you can decide which part I’d play).
The next shot shows Jax joining James behind the DJ booth, and my notes simply say “Jax is grandpa.” “Hey hey, is this how you do it dude?” he asks James, likely pushing all the wrong buttons and turning all the wrong knobs. He then makes his way over to the ladies to ruin their vibe. “What a blast from my… present” Lala jokes. They all greet him, and I think there’s a lot of love/hate energy, which to be fair, has always been a thing with Jax. He has a certain charm to him, despite his deeply problematic nature.
Image credit: Bravo
“I’m not a fan of Jax Taylor,” Katie clarifies in her interview. “Whenever somebody has to talk about how much they’ve changed or trying to sell themselves to be something, the less of that they are.” I concur. “Ariana, I’m not a gossiper,” Jax starts, with the whole group laughing at the notorious tea-spiller, “Are you aware that Schwartz may be moving into your home?” We see a clip of Schwartz and Jax hanging a couple of days prior, with Jax telling Schwartz he wouldn’t tell anyone. Classic.
“Are you okay with Tom Schwartz moving into your house?” he asks Ariana. “Here’s what I would love to know, where’s my money?” she responds. “I’ve got a bright idea man, how about when we get Ariana out, you just take over?” Lala mocks Sandoval, with Jax approving of her impression. “Listen, once I get what is rightfully mine, I don’t really give a fuck. It can be the mojo dojo casa house until the dawn of the next century,” Ariana declares in her interview. James comes over and invites the crew over to his place for a pool party. “I need to call my husband,” Lala jokes, miming a phone with her hand. “Hello? Lala, you’re calling me,” Brock responds standing behind her. Scheana doesn’t look thrilled. The scene unfortunately ends with James inviting Sandoval too.
We land at James and Ally’s. The girls are on the couch and making jokes about who gets to claim which Spice Girl. Jax is being tragic in the backyard, absolutely unaware that he is in fact a man in his forties. Back on the couch, Katie tells the ladies that Ally had looped her in about the pets situation and that she’s worried about missing out on holidays and experiences. James sits down and they admit that they’re talking about him. “Maybe next year,” James says, when Katie asks whether he’d be open to someone other than his brother petsitting. The women gently get defensive as they point out how many sacrifices Ally makes for James, and that he should be doing the same. James then gets emotional, and in his interview, claims that no one understands his connection to Hippie. He makes the fatal error of comparing the pet situation to nannies, which triggers Lala. “Please do not ever compare it to me finding childcare, you buffoon,” she advises in her interview. “It is very clear that in the relationship, James comes first and Ally comes second. You can not allow the man to ever come first.”
The gang head outside, Scheana announcing, “Everytime Jax tells you he’s a dad, take a drink,” after hearing Jax explain to Brock he can get fucked up because they’ve got a babysitter. Ariana jumps in, “Oh we’re gonna be fucked up!” LOL. James approaches Katie and Schwartz to tell them Jax had been bitching about Katie at his place the other day. “There were rumours about Jax cheating on Brittany online that thousands of people saw, and now Jax is blaming me for the rumours being out there in the world. The man doesn’t know how the internet works,” Katie explains in her interview. I told you! Jax is GRANDPA.
Jax and Katie get stuck into it, which is vintage Vanderpump. Honestly, these two have openly hated each other since the 2010s and I lowkey respect how neither of them try to hide it anymore. “I don’t like you,” Katie exclaims. “I don’t like you either,” Jax retaliates. Case in point. “Jax has always been completely unhinged and this is why I don’t fuck with him. I mean I feel bad for Brittany, but her husband is a disgusting pig,” Katie tells us. Go off, queen.
Schwartz takes Ariana aside for a chat, something I wasn’t sure we’d be seeing much of this season. “I know we’re fine, which is a big deal for me,” Schwartz starts, “We were speaking hypotheticals…” Ariana cuts him off. “Jax brought this up earlier.” They both laugh, given Jax promised he wouldn’t say anything. “It would be you living in my house?” Ariana asks him.
“Yeah, I’m saying, I’m not gonna do that. Well, I can’t afford it,” Schwartz explains.
They chat Sandoval’s plans to refinance which would require a $22,000 loan. “This is probably hands down the most expensive bromance in history,” Ariana declares in her interview. “Would you hate me if I did move in there?” he nervously asks Ariana, shocked to discover the answer is no. “Once I’m out of there, someone’s gonna have to pay that mortgage”, she tells Schwartz. Sandoval and Kyle Chan arrive, and you can see Ariana’s mood instantly being killed.
“Our baby’s got a bedtime and I would like to sit her down,” Scheana tells Brock, who is floating in the pool in his speedos because Australian. “Or she has the babysitter and we can have some fun times together,” he responds, “Scheana, please?” Scheana is quick to shut it down. “We’ve had fun today, honey. I said I would like to, okay?” she tells him, before offering him a slice of pizza to perhaps prevent a full argument.
“What’s wrong Scheash?” Lala asks. “Bedtime, the kid’s got bedtime,” Scheana tells Lala. “It’s not my problem, my problem is you don’t wanna let the nanny put our kid down,” Brock shouts from the pool. “It’s not that! It’s that I want to read her the books. I want to have those moments with her,” Scheana responds, getting emotional. Ariana makes a beeline for Scheana, however aborts mission when she sees Sandoval approaching.
Scheana chats with Sandoval and Kyle, telling the latter she can’t wait to perform at his event. She reveals she’s performing the new song ‘Apples’, which references Scandoval. Sandoval opens up about the song. “Yeah, I’ve heard it. It’s been a lot, you know? It’s not about the song necessarily. It’s more about, from you specifically, it’s been a lot,” he tells Scheana despondently. Scheana understands, and explains that what Sandoval and Rachel did to Ariana fucked her up. She admits she may have “capitalised” on it, post the friendship break up and restraining order. “It’s almost like you were like 100 times more reactive than Ariana,” Sandoval tells her, with Scheana telling him, “Yeah because all you had to do at the reunion was shut your face.” We see a clip of Sandoval further Rachel’s claims of Scheana’s violence, and Scheana telling him to shut the fuck up.
The two start arguing, bringing down seemingly everyone’s mood. “So many male voices being raised today,” Lala quips from the other side of the party. Brock dries off and comes to his little lady’s defence, which makes me happy that they can present a united front. There’s a lot of arguing, and Scheana opens up about insecurities. “Do you know that I now have fucked up thoughts about Brock and Lala – one of my best friends – because I’m now like, ‘Oh my god, can someone do that to me? Because he did it to her. I think that shit now. You did that!” she shouts at Sandoval.
“I would now like to go home and put my kid down,” says Scheana, grabbing her bag and walking away. “Dude, you’ve been the other woman in a fucking relationship!” Sandoval taunts her. Big mistake buddy. HUGE.
Scheana is well and truly activated and comes back to scream in Sandoval’s face. There’s a lot of swearing and yelling and Scheana storms off, apologising to Ally on the way out for yelling in her house (self aware cutie). The episode ends with Ariana running out to Scheana and hugging her, apologising for her fucking trash ex. If I had a dollar…
Written by Lil Friedmann, lover of all things Bravo and staunch defender of reality television. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.
Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules is available to stream on Hayu from 31 January, with episodes dropping the same day as the USA.
Image credit: Bravo, Hayu + Punkee