Punkee Recaps Vanderpump Rules: “May The Best Woman Win”
Episode 11 picks up where we left things last week, which makes perfect sense given episode 10 was “to be continued”. Chaos at the beach, as Ariana does her best to get the message through to the group that she is, in fact, allowed to be fucking pissed with the man who blew up her life.
“This man not only tried to ruin me but now he’s saying everything he possibly can and making me seem like a horrible partner, and if this is the kind of conversation that he has about me when all of these people are present, like fuck any of y’all who aren’t telling him to shut the fuck up,” Ariana mic drops in her interview.
“Hey guys, I’m gonna take Tom to the bar to like, let things cool off. I’m not trying to jeopardize the vibe,” Schwartz announces to the group. “That sounds good, byeeee”, Ariana cuts him off. Walking off along the beach, Sandoval asks, “Was Ariana getting emotional?” because he’s a huge dummy, and they agree to give everyone a breather. “I did not do anything to him. Period.” Ariana tells Lala, fed up with her Devil’s advocacy.
Image credit: Hayu
Over at the bar, the Toms debrief and Sandoval vents about household finances. “Anything the house needs, from trashbags to toilet paper to pens to batteries to electrical work to repairs,” Sandoval says in his interview, before the editors show us a clip from season 10 where Sandoval (MID affair) complains to Schwartz about how he makes more of an effort than Ariana. A producer interrupts Sandoval, reminding him how the internet destroyed him for his initial household items rant, “Why would you bring it up again?”. “I think Ariana’s gonna be in for it when she gets her own place. She’s gonna be in for like, like, a very rude awakening,” he responds. I think given your pettiness landed her brand deals with both Glad and Duracell, she’s gonna be fine darl.
Back at the beach, Brock and Scheana’s friend/short-lived babysitter Tori is mentioned, as she will be joining them at the bar. “I think Schwartz is like, secretly obsessed with that girl,” notes James. “I know I don’t have the best track record with matchmaking, but I feel like now that Katie is totally over Schwartz, it might be ok to set him up again,” Scheana tells us cautiously in her interview. We see a flashback to Hotel Ziggy where Scheana drunkenly encourages Tori to make out with Schwartz, with Tori promptly sitting Schwartz down to let him know she thinks he’s hot. “Clearly, I misjudged things because when Katie found out about it she was like ‘um, no. Tori should date me instead’,” Scheana continues in her interview. “But look, all is fair in love and war, and with Katie and Schwartz that’s really all you get. Love and war”. This may be the most insightful thing Scheana has ever said.
The group head over to the bar and order up a storm of oysters and margs. Meanwhile, Sandoval starts hitting on the women sitting next to him. Young women, I should say. “What would you like to get your friends a round of?” he asks a young woman named Madison. I’m so darked out watching this. “To Venice, sun and laughter, and a continuous happily ever after,” Sandoval toasts. Wtf?
Tori arrives and makes her way over to Schwartz. I like her, she’s cool and cute. Hate her hair but that’s a me problem.
They instantly start flirting and when she winces over him suggesting tequila, I actually see a lot of Katie in her. Schwartz may just have a type. “I always thought Tori was like, super cute super fly, and at Hotel Ziggy she confesses to me she thinks I’m fly as well. I’m like woah, some validation?” Schwartz tells us in his interview. The two cheers and Tori grills him. “So are you gonna ask me on a date or are you just gonna send fire emojis?”. I like this girl’s moxie! Schwartz asks her on a date and they cheers again, but the cheer doesn’t last long for Schwartz as ex-wife Katie rapidly approaches.
Image Credit: Bravo
“Oh hi!” she says, sitting down next to Tori. “Where did you come from?” Asks Schwartz. “Don’t worry about us,” responds Katie. Of all the times there’s been another woman involved with these two, this seems like the most fun. “What a little cock blocker!” Schwartz exclaims in his interview. “I don’t know if Katie’s really into Tori or if she kinda wants to compete with me and prove that she’s better.” We instantly cut to Katie’s interview: “If he doesn’t like me taking girls from him, maybe he should try harder.” LOVE this so much. Katie tells Schwartz he’s being rude by ignoring the table next to them and encourages him to go sit with them, leaving her alone with Tori.
Ariana, Lala and Scheana sit down to debrief the beach. “Ariana, we know that you cannot control Tom, what he says, how he acts. You can only control yourself. Do you think there’s unresolved feelings?” Lala asks. Ariana nods. “I know that the amount of anger I feel for him, I understand it’s not healthy.” Scheana says she wishes there could be a calm conversation between Sandoval and Ariana where he takes accountability, but Ariana interrupts to remind them that he’s never even apologised properly for the affair.
“Do you almost feel like when you’re looking at him, like, ‘You just, like, threw me away like I was just like, nothing’?” Lala asks, which is when the tears start coming. “Yeah” responds Ariana, dejectedly, “He knew the deepest darkest parts of me and like, he just doesn’t…” She’s unable to finish her sentiment. “You created a life with someone and this is what happens when things start to unravel,” says Lala. “That was your dream house, he fucking wrecked that house, and now let’s just get you out and who cares about the materialistic items when it comes to your happiness, you know?” Scheana tells Ariana, who is visibly very upset. We don’t often see Ariana breakdown, so it’s nice to see a moment of vulnerability.
“You’re right,” agrees Ariana through tears, frustrated about all the time, money and effort she put into her dream home. “I keep my armour up because this shit is fucking traumatic, and I’m trying to find ways to go through all these things without making it everybody else’s problem, but then hes openly talking shit because the guy has no remorse,” Ariana explains in her interview. “Out of all of the ways you could’ve handled it, you fucking rose to the occasion, grabbed opportunity by the balls and just ran,” Lala tells Ariana. We’re all proud of you girlfriend!!
Image credit: Hayu
MEANWHILE, Katie and Tori are having a moment.
“Have you ever dated a girl?” Tori asks Katie. “Dated? No,” responds Katie. “Have you ever had sex with a girl?” Tori follows up. Katie smiles and nods. “I would never put any kind of label on myself, I like people,” Katie explains. In her interview she tells us, “I’ve always had an attraction to women but I was with Tom Schwartz forever so I wasn’t really acting on any of that. But he’s not gonna stop me from doing anything now.” Well clearly.
“You’re so cute! You’re making me nervous!” Tori exclaims, before telling her, “I wanna kiss you so bad.” The two go in for a big pash and Schwartz is probably somewhere hitting on 19-year-olds unaware that the girl he fancies is necking on with his ex wife.
In a very confusing scene, we see Jo getting a hotdog with Lala at a hotdog cart shaped like a hotdog. “I’ve never noticed this like, weiner,” Lala tells the server.
They sit down with their ‘dogs and Jo thanks Lala for joining her, explaining that Schwartz was the one who suggested the two get together. Referencing Hotel Ziggy, Lala explains, “I saw from afar that you were not okay.” Jo nods. “I didn’t feel welcomed the other night at Hotel Ziggy. I see how much Schwartz loves his friends and I wanna be welcomed into the group if I wanna be a part of Schwartz’s life forever,” Jo shares in her interview. Sweetie…
Lala references Ariana and Katie’s stance, before straight up asking Jo, “For my own sanity, Tom and Raquel – did you know?” We can’t forget that Jo was on the scene during the affair and even went on what could be considered double dates with Schwartz, Sandoval and Raquel. Jo vehemently denies knowing. “Here’s the thing. I hung out with them a couple of times. I’m not watching them, I’m looking at Schwartz.” Okay, that’s a believable alibi.
“You and Schwartzy is like the strangest thing in the whole world,” Lala tells Jo who is hysterically laughing. She refers to him as T-Money, which gets Lala’s attention. “T-money and Joseph, that should be like when you guys send out your wedding invites,” she tells Jo. DON’T ENCOURAGE HER LALA.
Next, we see James, Ally, Katie and Ariana playing something called top golf. I can confirm, it is as boring as regular and mini golf, but at least they have bar access.
“Katie, how drunk were you last night? Do you remember making out with Tori?” James asks as they all sit down. “Yeah of course I do,” she responds, before telling them Tori is going on a date with Schwartz tonight. James finds this weird as fuck, and asks Katie whether this is just her trying to move into Schwartz’s territory? “It’s not always about him,” she responds.
“Why is everybody acting like this is so fucking normal?” James exclaims in his interview, “They’re dating the same fucking girl that looks like she’s 21 years old, what the fuck is this? This shit is fucking weird!!!” For once, I agree with James on some level, making me question my own sanity and if I’ve become too involved with this show.
Katie asks Ariana what was going on re: Lala/Scheana chats at the bar. “They were like, ‘We don’t want you to be like, triggered by him’ and I’m like, he’s literally like, throwing all kinds of jabs under his breath that are in full earshot of me. His voice is fucking annoying as fuck,” Ariana tells her. Agreed.
“I don’t know why they’re not understanding. I’m confused,” says Katie. James explains that Sandoval invited them all paintballing, which annoys Ariana as she finds out there are group chats she’s not involved in. A savage penny-drop moment for even the most stoic
They ask about the house, and Ariana explains that she’s waiting for Sandoval’s lawyers to respond to her counter. I zone out until Ally asks Ariana what her new dream house would be and Ariana responds “treehouse vibes”, which makes me happy because her new home is on a hill with a cute garden so that’s kinda treehouse vibes?
We cut to Lala and Scheana walking into Cryobank. I really like that Lala has chosen to share her sperm donor journey with the world, and huge congrats to the now-pregnant star who recently announced she’s having another little girl. “I loved being pregnant so I know that I would like to carry on my own, but I want to be fully in charge of my child. I don’t ever want the unknown,” Lala tells us in her Interview.
They meet with Brian the manager, and Scheana introduces herself as the emotional support friend. “I never thought that I would be coming to a sperm bank but I’ve learned to never say never, right?” Lala tells Brian. She asks him whether most donors are looking for cash or altruism, and he assures her that a lot of donors do it out of the desire to help others. He also explains how each donor requires psych evaluation as well as genetic testing, and I wonder if this is something I can enforce with future potential partners.
“Hands down the most important part of the whole process is donor selection,” Brian explains. “Maybe pour a glass of wine and sit down and start reading through…” (Ok me on a Friday night?) “Non-alcoholic wine” Scheana interrupts.
“I’m gonna throw a party cos like, in my mind, my daughter was conceived out of love, and because that type of love is taken out of the process, I would like to bring it in a different form so that this kind knows ‘you’re here and we were all there, just waiting for you to enter the world’,” Lala explains. I am at this point in tears. Brian assures her he’ll do his best to make this calm and easy, but exciting and fun, and I’m starting to think she should pick him as a donor.
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After he leaves, Lala gets emotional with Scheana. “With this whole thing, I’m gonna be forming a family, cos right now I feel like I’m part of something that’s broken.” I’m crying even more now. “You know you’re the most amazing mother, you are gonna provide all of your babies the most amazing life,” Scheana tells her, nailing her job as emotional support friend. “I pictured my life being like how I grew up, my mum and dad in the same household. But that didn’t happen, and that is, really fucking hard,” Lala cries during her interview. “I felt like I deeply failed this innocent soul, and it wasn’t because of me. So I’m not risking that again.”
Thankfully for me and my large emotions, Scheana changes the topic to beach day.
“Honestly I’m still hung up on our conversation with Ariana,” she tells Lala. “I don’t know if she’s trying to just stand her ground, but she’s not gonna win this game. It’s very simple: move out,” says Lala and Scheana agrees. “I think a big part of it is her pride, and she is like ‘Well, I can’t go into an apartment’, like…” Lala is confused. “So hold on, your pride is saved by living with the man who cheated on you with the best friend? You have more pride moving to Sunset living in a box.
Schwartz arrives at Jo’s hair salon and you just know something dumb and reckless is about to take place. “You guys can do anything you want, full mid-life crisis,” says Schwartz, immediately proving me right.
We learn that Jo is going to bleach it, which is a brave move putting your life/head in the hands of the woman who is about a sneeze away from creating a shrine of you in her bedroom. “So what’d you do last night?” Jo asks Schwartz, who tells her he was on a date with Tori. Schwaaaaartz…. Mate… Editors show us a clip from the date with Schwartz and Tori having a smooch and I can’t believe he’s telling his situationship about his dating life while she has access to powerful chemicals.
“Where is this human coming from? I’ve never even heard of this person,” Jo asks Schwartz, who explains that Tori and Scheana have known each other for 10 years (AKA back when Tori was 14). “Oh, well I’d really like to know why the girls are allowing her to quote unquote go on a date with you if she’s in the friend group,” Jo sasses. “The game has changed ever since Katie and Max,” admits Schwartz. “Max! Way more in the friend group than me. How come I’m getting all the heat?” asks Jo. Schwartz tells her that Katie and Tori made out, telling her “It was bizarre that Tori was playing tongue hockey with Maloney the night before, and actually she’s going on a date with Katie today.” Imagine being in your 40s and using the phrase tongue hockey?
We briefly see a glimpse of Tori over at Katie’s apartment. They’re painting (??) and drinking, which is something you do on dates with the woman your ex-husband is also dating, I guess. Back at the salon, Jo asks Schwartz if he thinks Tori prefers him or Katie, with Schwartz confirming the latter. Jo asks Schwartz what his evening plans are, and he tells her he’s going to a singles event to accompany Sandoval. Jo naturally invites herself, much to Schwartz’s dismay. God these two really need to sit down and discuss boundaries. They reveal Schwartz’s new bleached blonde hair. He reckons he looks Bieber-esque, Jo thinks it’s giving Eminem, I can’t help but think how hot this look would’ve been on him 15 years ago when his incompetence was legitimate and not weaponized.
Tom Schwartz with Jo at the hair salon, along with the salon owner. Image credit: Instagram
That night, Katie, Ariana, Lala and Scheana strut their way into a bar for some drinks. They sit down and immediately toast to “girls’ night” because those are the rules. Ariana asks how Katie’s date went, which shocks Lala. “Was it weird that the night before she was on a date with your ex-husband?” she asks Katie. “I mean, if I stop and think about it, yeah. But I think it’s… I don’t know,” Katie responds. “I mean it can’t be any weirder than banging his best friend,” says Lala, referring to Katie’s tryst with Max. “Tequila Katie’s a ho,” Katie tells the group before adding, “He can have Jo, there’s no competition there.” And we’re all laughing.
Over at the single’s event, Schwartz and Jo walk in and head straight to the bar. “I’m feeling some Kenergy right now,” Schwartz proclaims, taking off his hat and revealing his new do. “You know what they say, ‘blondes have more fun’. I gotta say so far it’s ringing true for me,” he tells us in his interview. Sandoval and some other losers arrive and none of them compliment his hair which makes me laugh. Jo of course says she loves it and that it’s so sexy.
“Are you gonna be social? You guys are both single right?” Sandoval asks them. “Yeah! I went on a date last night”, responds Schwartz. Jo at this point is running her hands through his hair trying to fix his locks and I’m just so uncomfortable. “She’s weird!” Jo proclaims when Schwartz references Tori. “Schwartz and Jo are on two different pages. Jo is looking at their situationship as a glass-half-full relationship, you know? And Schwartz, just being Schwartz is gonna give off mixed signals. It’s like part of his superpower, he’s so charming all the time,” Sandoval says during his interview. Superpower or a side effect of stupidity? YOUR CHOICE.
Back at girls’ night, Lala tells the gals she had a hotdog with Jo (lol) and Katie is immediately triggered. “How did this happen and why?” Katie asks, looking visibly disgusted. “She apparently wanted to share her side of things,” Lala responds. “You don’t have any relationship with this girl, you don’t know this girl, this girl is nothing to you, I am something to you. So why’ve you gotta go feel bad for this shit? Why? Why?” Katie is pissed. “Jo is fucking harmless,” Lala tells Katie. “She doesn’t seem like someone who is trying to roll up in here and va-voom, fuck your man. She just doesn’t seem that way. When I say vaginas don’t just fall on dicks, I actually think with Schwartz and Jo, vaginas may just fall on dicks,” says Lala in her interview. Again, lol.
“Schwartz gave her my name to reach out,” Lala explains, “Why?!” Katie interrupts. “Because I’m soft right now Katie. So he has a girl who is a friend, his girlfriend I don’t fucking know, that I’ve met, and I see my other friend calling her a crackhead…” Lala replies, before Katie cuts her off.
Tbh it’s hard to actually make out what either is saying because they keep talking over each other, but I THINK Katie is mad at Lala for flip-flopping on Schwartz.
“It just doesn’t make sense,” Katie tells Lala. “It is not my job for my life to make sense to you,” snaps Lala. “I like people that are consistent,” Katie tells her. Scheana chimes in to defend Lala, “I think she’s been pretty fucking consistent for you Katie.” Go Scheana! “It doesn’t feel like it to me,” says Katie. “You weren’t best friends with Jo, you weren’t best friends with Raquel. We’re still holding on real tight, at some point you gotta let it go, and if you wanna hold onto it, that’s on you.” It’s all very awkward and I’m starting to feel the Katie/Ariana and Lala/Scheana divide wash over me.
Back at the singles event, the hostess comes over and explains the traffic light system (red = wingman, orange = open, green = single) and hands them all green wristbands. It’s reminding me a lot of first-year uni, all they need is a bag of goon and four dollars to their names respectively.
Kyle Chan (who may as well be a series regular at this point) is at the bar with Schwartz and tells him, “You need to be like, not always with Jo,” and AIN’T that the truth. “I know..” Schwartz responds. “Did we lose Tom already?” Kyle asks, referring to Sandoval, who is naturally talking to a group of young women about how he loves pearls and wearing women’s fashion.
Image credit: Hayu
Schwartz asks a woman named Gabby if she’d like to get a drink, and Gabby isn’t here to fuck spiders. “Let’s get a shot,” she tells him, before demanding he take his hat off and give it to her. “For now, can I get it back later? Only cos it’s a sentimental hat,” Schwartz tells her. I’m starting to think every single interaction Schwartz has with women is against his will. Jo emerges suddenly to ruin everything. “You gave her your hat?” she asks, “Oh no, you don’t have another one!” Schwartz suddenly remembers he has a tonne of other hats and Jo awkwardly wooooos to Gabby. What? Is? Happening?
Sandoval is flirting with aforementioned young women at the bar. They ask him if he has any tattoos and he brings up the flaming A on his ass he got tattooed for Ariana. FYI she hated it from the beginning and probably should’ve called it then and there. Kyle is doing his best to wingman Schwartz with Gabby, calling out his complicated dynamic with Jo and forcing Schwartz to admit he’s single. “So kiss me,” insists Gabby. Schwartz nervously laughs. “I am a makeout slut,” he says. “You’ve never kissed anyone like me”, Gabby tells him, before laying one on him.
“What in tarnation??!” Jo approaches, as I die on the inside. “I’m heading out, bye!” she waves to Schwartz. “I was under the impression we were here to support Tom Sandoval, and then when we got here, he was interested in other women,” Jo tells us solemnly in her interview. “I mean what am I? Chopped liver?” We cut to Schwartz in his interview, “I’m like, starting to wonder if she’s in a little deeper than I am, you know?” NO SHIT SCHWARTZ. The scene ends with Jo telling us in her interview, “I know the truth and the truth is that we still are hooking up, we’ve said I love you to each other. It bothers me that he doesn’t really wanna share this relationship with his friends. I’m tired of feeling like a secret.” While I cringe at her approach, I actually back her on this one.
The next day we’re at paintball. Pretty much the whole group besides Katie and Ariana are there, and James and Lala instantly tease Schwartz about his ridiculous hair and how he’s already been dying his hair for years to cover the greys. Scheana is not impressed by the environment, “I had no idea that this was outdoor, I assumed it’d be like indoor, aircon, like more of a laser tag situation.” This would be my response too. “Oh no, this is paintballing, bitch!” Lala responds. The instructor gives the group a safety chat and we flash to Ally, Scheana and Lala sitting at the table, obviously not participating. “This doesn’t seem fun to me,” says Scheana. AGREED.
The actual paintballing is so fucking boring tbh, so we mostly focus on the gals gossiping. “It’s such a weird group today, there’s like 12-year-olds here,” laughs Lala. They discuss drinks the other night, filling Ally in on the group. “Her and Katie kinda got into it,” Scheana explains. “We’ve been getting into it a lot,” Lala responds, telling Ally about how she and Jo had lunch. “I’m glad you did, ’cause I felt bad and wondered how she’s been,” says sweet angel Ally.
“Jo’s a little hard to follow, she’s a little all over the place, I didn’t really put her on the spot and I didn’t want to overwhelm her. But talking to Katie, she got really upset and she’s like, ‘I like loyalty and consistency’ and I’m like hold the fuck up,” Lala vents. “First of all, loyalty, coming from the girl who just banged her ex’s best friend.” Scheana and Ally laugh. “And it’s very clear, I know my friend is unhappy, I know she’s been unhappy for a long time, and I’ve tried to like baby her, but I’m not gonna be on the receiving end of you going crazy.” Fair enough Lala, fair enough.
In the episode’s final scene, we’re over at Schwartz and Jo’s place. I truly hate that these two cohabitate, it’s so fucking unhealthy.
Schwartz gets stuck into it. “What happened the other night? I’m a little confused. Am I sending you mixed signals?” he genuinely asks poor Jo. “I know we have such a good time together and I know we have this undeniable chemistry. That being said, I don’t wanna be in a relationship at all. I wanna date other people, I am dating other people, I get numbers, I hook up with other people…” STOP Schwartz. “Can you imagine how I feel after being around you for the last year and a half?” she asks him, “We have been there for each other.” Schwartz, awkwardly laughing, agrees, “I know, we have but…”. Jo interrupts him, “But but but but but. Shut the fuck up.” HELL yeah gf, finish him.
“Are you embarrassed by me?” she asks him, which is honestly a fair question at this point. “No, not at all! Joseph, people are saying that you’re saying that behind closed doors, we’re secretly dating, or like… is it ok if we keep dating…” Schwartz rambles, with Jo snapping at him. “No, it’s not ok!” This is so painful to watch, and very foreign given we’ve mostly seen these two make circus clown gestures and robot sounds to communicate with each other. “Then maybe we need to not hang out as much,” Schwartz suggests. “Or at all,” Jo counters. “Well, that’s fine, too. I mean, yeah,” he responds. I feel like Jo is baiting him to fight for her, but given Katie tried the same for 12 years and ultimately gave up, her chances aren’t looking good.
“Me and Jo have had this fantastic voyage full of compassion, support, and maybe even love. It’d be a fucking tragedy if we like never hung out or never talked again,” a very low Schwartz tells us in his interview.
They move to the couch where Schwartz digs himself an even bigger hole. “I just want to have fun!” he tells her. “We get it! We get it,” snaps Jo, obviously so worn down by that sentiment. Jo gets teary as they discuss their weird connection and how fun it would be growing old together. “So that’s why I need to take some time because I think deep down, I do have feelings for you,” Jo tells him. I don’t think those feelings are that deep down, madam.
The episode ends with Jo telling us in her interview, “It’s really hard, I just want him to be happy. He’s my favourite person in the world,” and I just hope she has an emotional support friend somewhere out there telling her it’s all gonna be okay.
Written by Lil Friedmann, lover of all things Bravo and staunch defender of reality television. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.
Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules is available to stream on Hayu from 31 January, with episodes dropping the same day as the USA.
Image credit: Bravo, Hayu + Punkee