Punkee Recaps Vanderpump Rules: Let’s Party Like It’s 1929 For No Apparent Reason
We open on West Hollywood’s most talked about sandwich shop to the stars, Something About Her. Co-owners Katie and Ariana arrive to find Ann behind the counter. Yes, former assistant of Sandoval, Ann. They’re happy to see her, but the feelings are fleeting as they look around the shop, which is in complete shambles.
“Remember when we thought we’d be opening Something About Her right about now?” Ariana grimaces in her interview. “We were so young, so naive.” She explains to us that the city’s code violations and bureaucracy have more or less left them back at square one. She also shares that she’s going to impale herself next time someone asks when the shop is opening. Thankfully for her internal organs, the two announced Something About Her’s opening last night on Watch What Happens Live, so you LA folk can be chomping on those sangas from May 22nd!
Lisa arrives and greets her fellow female founders, cracking a joke about Ariana stealing Ann from Sandoval. The three sit down to discuss brass tacks, and chef Penny is brought up by Lisa. “You guys aren’t speaking to her?” she asks. “There’s a lot of missing pieces,” Ariana responds. Katie explains that they’re not seeing eye to eye on Penny’s involvement in the business, disagreeing on things like salary and percentage. “This isn’t like the three of us as The Three Musketeers,” Ariana explains to Lisa, who was unaware that Penny wasn’t an owner.
“Do you want to part ways with her?” Lisa asks them. “That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” Katie responds. In her interview, Lisa tells us, “I’ve always had a good relationship with Penny and she can help the girls. For goodness sake, she’s helped me. I worry that if they part ways with Penny, their restaurant will just never open.” She tells the girls that she hopes they get it sorted out, and likely goes home to her mansion and continues living her unbothered, queen life.
Next up, we head over to Kyle Chan’s store. I hope this man negotiated an appearance rate for this season, because he is EVERYWHERE. Scheana arrives, and they discuss her setlist for performance at Kyle’s party. I laugh given it’s just the two songs. Sandoval arrives, and it’s tense. Let us not forget, last week’s episode ended with Scheana and Sandoval screaming in each other’s faces about their respective infidelities, loudly debating who is the shittier human.
Kyle reveals that he’d like Sandoval to act as an event manager on the night, and Sandoval is keen to assist. Getting emotional in his interview, he reveals just how much Kyle means to him. “Kyle, very specifically, has been there for me through this whole thing more than like, anyone. So like, anything I could do to pay him back, I’m like yes please, cos I owe him a lot. The guy fucking saved my life man.”
Kyle, Sandoval and Scheana sit down together, and Kyle expresses his concern over the tension, prompting the two to clear the air. “I apologise for bringing up that shit from you know, from years ago. I shouldn’t have done that. I want things to be good with us,” Sandoval tells Scheana. She explains that she felt bad adding a line in her song ‘Apples’ about him, knowing that he was going through it last week after Raquel’s podcast. “It’s not the end of the world, it just frustrated me,” Sandoval shares. “That’s why I was apologising the other day, and I meant that,” Scheana tells him, starting to get emotional.
“Like, I never forget what a good friend you’ve been to me,” she tears up. “You’re the only person who’s always had my back from day one.” She explains that this is what made it so hard for her when having to pick a side. “She didn’t do anything wrong,” she says, referring to bestie Ariana. “But I don’t understand why there has to be a line drawn in the sand like that. Relationships never end well,” says Sandoval, and there we have it, he’s managed to piss me off within the first eight minutes of the episode.
“I’m not saying that you guys should forgive him. It’s totally your choice, but don’t continue to like, torture him that way,” Kyle chimes in. Scheana nods, telling Sandoval she’d like to be able to move forward and not throw each other’s pasts in each other’s faces. They agree to move forward amicably, and that they miss each other. I feel like we’ve seen about four to six interactions of this interaction this season, but onwards.
Over at Lala’s, she and Katie are getting ready to celebrate Lala’s birthday. “I hope that Sandoval doesn’t think he’s invited tonight,” Lala tells Katie. “I need to call him.” She proceeds to FaceTime Sandoval, with Katie standing silently out of view, thrilled to be there.
Sandoval reveals that he’s with Scheana, forcing Katie to face palm. “You and Scheesh, I don’t know, this is weird you guys being together. The last time I saw you guys together you were ripping each other’s heads off,” Lala laughs. “Yeah, you ever seen that pottery where they break it and they glue it together with, like, gold? That’s what we’re doing right now,” Sandoval tells Lala, again with Katie silently cringing in the corner.
“And I totally, totally respect that, but can we leave my big 33 out of the glueing of the pottery?” Lala asks him, deadpan. “I wasn’t invited, I wasn’t gonna come,” Sandoval responds. “Happy birthday.” This is so awkward lol. “Thank you, I felt like you deserved a FaceTime rather than just like, a little text message,” Lala tells him. Back at Kyle Chan’s, he asks Sandoval, “Wait, did you just get disinvited before you even got invited to a party? That was nice of her to put it in a nice way,” he laughs. “I’m used to it,” Sandoval smiles, “I’m so used to it.”
Later that night, we’re celebrating Lala’s birthday and she’s NEVER looked hotter. “I wanted to bring the bod out,” she says, greeting one of her guests, and boy did she succeed.
The gang arrives, we’re having drinks at a burlesque bar. It’s all very Lala coded. “Was it you that said Jesus died at 33?” Lala asks Ariana, “I was thinking about my birthday today and I was like, ‘Jesus died at 33, I will not go out that way mother fucker’.” I myself am turning 33 next month so if Lala can do it, so can I!! Maybe!!
“Honestly, I feel like every year that comes, I become more and more fucking badass. Most people are terrified when they hit 30, but just like where I am now, this is what it feels like to be a woman who really does not fuck one fuck,” she shares proudly in her interview. That is so us.
“What do you wish for your birthday this year?” a friend asks her. “If I could just rule the world, have a positive pregnancy test, end the custody battle, it’ll be a good fucking year,” she declares. Well, we know at least one of those three things is true! Schwartz arrives, and the burlesque show commences. “Please put your hands together and your thighs apart,” the host announces, before several beautiful women saunter out and dance for the crowd. Scheana laughs about Brock not knowing where to look, and we learn that Brock was raised in the Mormon Church until he was 14. This man is an enigma!
Schwartz asks the gang whether they’re coming to Sandoval’s gig the next night. Scheana isn’t due to logistics, and James is considering it. Lala tells Ariana that she FaceTimed Sandoval earlier that day to make sure he wasn’t coming, and asks Scheana why she was with him. “We were going over the performance for Friday, and Sandoval I guess is making sure all the equipment for the band is, like, good to go,” she tells Lala and Ariana diplomatically.
She tells them that he apologised, and how she told him she misses him. Ariana is not looking impressed, and I don’t blame her. “What is going on? It honestly makes me feel like I’m being like, gaslit or something,” she vents in her interview. “As if what happened was not clear as fucking day. It has nothing to do with me. It has to do with the fact that he repeatedly treats her like shit and doesn’t actually give a fuck about her. That ain’t your friend babe”.
The next day, we’re over at Brock and Scheana’s packing for San Francisco. Brock is wearing a terrible hat that will make more sense later in the episode, but it sure is jarring currently.
Sir… Image credit: Hayu
“Everyone is coming together for Kyle Chan’s launch party in San Francisco, and Brock and I wanna plan some fun things,” she shares in her interview. “It will also be nice to just have some time with Brock, I feel like we haven’t had a lot of that lately.” We learn that precious angel Summer Moon is being looked after by Scheana’s mum. “Do you think the group will be down for the Roaring 20s party or what?” Brock asks, which makes me laugh. This large man has taken it upon himself to host a themed night in San Fran where they all dress up as gangsters and honestly God bless him for it. Not much else happens in the scene, let’s move on.
DATE NIGHT WITH ARIANA AND NEW BOYFRIEND DAN ALERT!!!!
This is the first time we’ve seen Dan in the flesh, with production teasing us with a few FaceTime calls throughout the season. Better late than never, I say. Ariana has never looked happier or healthier in my opinion, and Dan isn’t dressed like Jojo Siwa, so he’s already doing much better than her ex. They sit down for dinner and look loved up as hell. “I’ve never been in a long distance relationship so I’m just playing it by ear, just following where the wind takes me, I guess,” Ariana tells us in her interview. “The distance really forces you to take things super slow, get to know each other. You can’t just be like, fucking, you know?” Starting to think I should set my Hinge location to Perth or Darwin.
The two discuss heading to San Francisco together, establishing that Dan will be joining the group for the trip. “Who’s gonna be there?” Dan asks. “Everybody…” Ariana responds hesitantly, with the caveat that during the Friday, Sandoval likely won’t be involved in any group activities. “Scheana seems pretty convinced that he’s gonna try come and shake your hand at the airport or something,” she warns him. “Yeah… I’m good on that,” he responds, joking about running away to take a shit instead of meeting him. They chat about long distance, discussing the pros and cons, and when Ariana hints that he might want to join her in LA when the winter hits, he suggests they go to Europe instead. Boyfriend does NOT want to live in La La Land.
Switching gears, we head over to Sandoval’s gig with his band, The Most Extras. Yuck lol. Sandoval is in the greenroom practising his trumpet and what did I do to deserve that footage? Schwartz arrives with Teri, Sandoval’s mum in tow. It’s strange seeing the woman who spawned Satan, she’s very small. But hey, she loves him and supports him and that’s all we can ask for in a mom. Notably, we also see Tii backstage, who Sandoval went on that bowling date with a couple of episodes back. James also arrives, which is nice I guess.
The gig starts. “I haven’t performed this song in six years,” Sandoval tells the crowd. I instantly recognise it and start frantically googling ‘lobotomies Melbourne’ because I’m furious at myself. “This room, the energy is electric. People are throwing their hands up in the air instead of throwing things at me, people saw my name on the marquee and walked inside… It feels so good,” Sandoval beams in his interview. We spot none other than Jo in the crowd, rocking out in support of Sandoval. Schwartz approaches her and asks if she wants to get some air, leading to a classic Schwartz/Jo awkward AF interaction.
“How’s your break been? How many dudes you bang?” Schwartz asks her as I die inside. “Tom!” she exclaims, hitting his chest. “I’m only kidding! I’m sorry if I’ve been a little awkward lately,” he apologises (understatement of the century). “I don’t know how to stand! Ever since that conversation on the couch I’m like, ‘Hello, Jo. Pleased to meet you’,” he jokes, as they both awkwardly do the robot (?!!) demonstrating their discomfort in interacting. We learn that Jo is coming to San Francisco, and Schwartz opens up in his interview. “Since me and Jo decided to take a break, you know, it’s felt weird without her around. I knew it was the right move, but she’s just such like, a bright energy in anyone’s life. Well, maybe not anyone’s life, but at least in my life, she was.”
“I don’t wanna send mixed signals, so I’ll make it perfectly clear, okay?” Schwartz starts. “We are just friends, everyone needs to know that,” Jo interrupts in a robot voice (jesus). “I hate that other people made it so I can’t say things like, ‘I’m really excited that you’re coming to San Francisco’, without feeling like, ‘oh, just as a friend!’” Schwartz rambles, shifting any blame onto the wider group. “You’re the most dramatic person I’ve ever met,” Jo laughs. “This is my friend Jo, she’s hot and we’re gonna get married in eight years!” Schwartz yells, with Jo telling him to stop but lowkey loving it. For fucks sake, and you wonder why the woman is a little confused about where she stands?! Jo tells us in the interview that she feels like she’s on a hamster wheel with Schwartz, and I hope someone lets her out of her cage asap.
Airport time! The gang awaits their departure, and Lala tells us in her interview she’s still a little unsure of Dan. “I’m sorry, something seems off, right?” she asks us, referring to the fact that Dan was so happy to jump into a relationship with a woman who still lives with her ex of a decade. They board the flight and we see Sandoval walking past Ariana and Dan. “I am intrigued, I wouldn’t mind meeting the guy but I’m gonna be very lowkey,” Sandoval assures us in his interview. A short flight later, and we’re in SF baby! Brock and Scheana play mum and dad and tell everyone to regroup back in the lobby in an hour’s time so they can get stuck into their activities. Everyone finds their room, we’re all having hotel fun.
Lala joins Dan and Ariana in their room to get ready. When they ask Dan what he’s up to for the afternoon, he tells the ladies that he’ll either work out or go get a massage (stunning). “It’s gonna be a fun day for me with my ex-boyfriend, so…” Ariana eyerolls. Schwartz pays Sandoval a visit in his room, telling him that he said “what’s up” to Dan and asking whether Sandoval had met him. “Not officially, no. I should probably give him the lowdown like Ariana did with Tii,” Sandoval quips, as we’re shown footage of Ariana warning Tii not to waste her time with a 41-year-old narcissist three weeks earlier. How dare you, sir.
We’re off to the pier! It’s seemingly fucking freezing, so Brock suggests everyone buys some warm clothes from the shops. They all select some cute and cosy hoodies and prepare for their boat ride (hell). Schwartz and Sandoval stand by the water, discussing whether or not convicts actually escaped from Alcatraz. “I needed a little, like, reset, a little break from Los Angeles,” Schwartz tells Sandoval. “I wanted to fucking murder you for a long time.” Sandoval smirks, “I know…”. “It’s nice to not have seething rage when I see you anymore,” Schwartz tells him, as they both laugh.
“Anyways, dude. I’ve been thinking about what we chatted about, and I know it kind of started as like, a joke, you know, the whole being roommates, moving in together thing. I think I’m like, ready to commit,” Schwartz tells Sandoval. Somebody drag these two across the water to Alcatraz IMMEDIATELY. He pulls out a miniature handcuff keychain that he bought earlier at the gift shop, telling Sandoval he got him something to make it official and kneeling on one knee. “Who says I can’t commit?” jokes Schwartz.
The gang board the boat, aptly named ‘Wine Therapy’. There’s wine waiting for them (duh) and James toasts to “San Francisco baby!” before spinning around a pole in the middle of the boat like a stripper. The water is so choppy I am literally nauseous watching. Katie looks a bit spewy as Scwahrtz announces that “Joseph” is coming tomorrow. James and Ally try to take a selfie on the deck and almost drown. “Oh my god I don’t like this at all!” Ariana laughs as she sways. “I cannot die on this tiny boat with my ex, I have plans!” she tells us in her interview. This is CHAOS.
The girls clock Brock wearing a captain’s hat as he stands behind the wheel. “Boys are so weird, how they’re like, ‘I wanna drive the boat’. It’s like, what about that is like, fun?” Lala asks Katie. So TRUE. “It’s like, learn how to fuck a woman before you learn how to drive a boat,” Katie jokes. ALSO SO TRUE.
Ariana and Brock stroll along the pier together. “How was that for you? Being on the boat just then with Sandoval,” Brock asks her. “Oh, well, he’s like scenery at this point. Like, I didn’t really realise he was there,” she tells him. “It’s better than the last time we’ve been hanging out,” Brock suggests, as we see flashbacks to the arguments on the beach. “Well yeah, because he hopefully learned, like, don’t fucking talk to me,” Ariana responds. Brock asks if she sees any chats between her and Sandoval in the foreseeable future. She questions who that would benefit, and Brock says “my wife”.
“The woman who I care about more than anything who he screamed at less than a week ago?” asks Ariana. “Yeah,” says Brock. “Yeah, sorry no. I care more about her than allow her to have people in her life that are gonna scream at her like that, you know what I’m saying?” Ariana asks. I do not think Brock knows what you’re saying. “Forgiveness isn’t accepting what he’s done. Forgiveness is like giving yourself the ability to focus on the good things that you have going on around you,” he preaches to Ariana. “Absolutely, but in order to like, move on happily with your life and focus on the good, you 100% do not have to forgive anyone who’s traumatised you,” she schools him.
“The notion that you have to like, forgive or to move on in your life, that’s outdated therapy. Gray rocking and going no contact is literally the only way to avoid the shit, manipulations, all of it. It’s me! I’m a gray rock,” Ariana explains in her interview. The scene ends with Ariana highlighting the power in female anger and not being forced to be stoic, and points out that male rage in the group is seemingly accepted. “I mean, I can’t speak for women so I can’t even comment on that part,” Brock says. A wise choice.
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That night, we’re all getting ready for the roaaaaring 20s. Silly hats and vests aplenty for the men, chic glam for the women. Lala visits Ariana and Dan’s room, her jaw dropping as she peeps a shirtless Dan. “Daniel!” she exclaims, “Look at your fly-looking ass with your long hair.” Ariana giggles and proudly boasts that Dan got her drinks and ironed her clothes while they were on the boat. “Wait, are you not coming?” Lala asks Dan, who reveals he’s getting dinner with Ariana’s bestie Brad instead of attending the party.
We cut to James and Ally’s room, where James is flopping around in the bathtub as Ally gets ready. “This is the most intense bubble bath I’ve ever seen, I would get a yeast infection in this thing,” Ally laughs. I think I just got one watching this scene. “I wonder why Dan didn’t come on the boat today,” Ally asks James. “Probably because he doesn’t wanna be stuck on a fucking boat with his girlfriend’s ex,” James responds.
“Can I tell you something? It’s so weird seeing you with someone who isn’t Sandoval,” Lala tells Ariana back in their room. Ariana laughs. “Dan, was it weird on the bus or anything?” Lala asks him, referring to the commute from the airport. “No, whatever. I’m just, like, unbothered,” he responds, “That’s probably the best way to describe it.”
“You don’t think it’s weird that he came all the way to San Francisco, and they’re not spending any time together?” Ally asks James, back in the bathroom. “You don’t know how he is. He might wanna rip his fucking head off. He might not be able to stand being in the same room as him. You don’t know how people are,” James tells Ally. I wish I could take him more seriously, however he has a pile of bubbles on his head and lets out an “Arr matey!” before diving under the water.
Our bby pirate. Image credit: @bravotv Instagram
Back in the bedroom, Lala asks Dan what he would do if Sandoval tried to introduce himself. “He hasn’t done anything to me, but I know what he’s done,” he tells Lala. You can tell she’s not overly impressed by the interaction. He seems to be saying the right things, but not giving too much away. I can see how that would frustrate an expressive queen like Lala. “You’ve got a good body. Good for you,” she tells Dan, seemingly giving up on any real talk, “Do you work out?” Dan laughs. “Yeah, sometimes,” he jokes, being a personal trainer and all.
It’s party time, and everyone is dressed to the nines. “James is a 12 year old hocking papers by the Titanic!” Lala exclaims, the group laughing at the absolute ACCURACY of this comment. James points out that Sandoval and Ariana are wearing the same shoes, but Ariana quickly points out that hers are a different brand. “Great minds?” Sandoval shrugs, with Lala laughing at the awkwardness. Given they’re at a rooftop bar, Ariana suggests she and Katie go take a look at the gorgy bay views, and the two disappear from the group.
Schwartz ends up following them, complimenting them on their looks. “This is like a vibe for you guys, you guys look like a duo!” Schwartz tells them. “We’re the new Tom Tom,” Katie sasses. They all laugh, and Schwartz is stoked to be there. “Look at us! We’re all friends again,” he beams. “Oh are we?!” Ariana quips. Schwartz jokes about how it’s nice to feel more confident, however he still acts a little subservient around.
“I was about to maybe hit on my ex-wife… No, just kidding! But no I’m not kidding,” Schwartz rambles. Ariana decides to give them a moment alone. “Katie, you like me again!” Schwartz brags. “No I don’t”, Katie protests. “No, like we’re friends,” Schwartz clarifies. “Yes we are,” Katie confirms. “I knew it!” Schwartz beams. “Yeah, well don’t take it for granted,” Katie warns him. She is holding back laughter this entire interaction but staying firm with him, and I love to see it. Much to Katie’s horror, Schwartz proposes they have one final one night stand. “No,” she grunts, laughing into her hands.
“Let me finish. Katie, listen, we go back to my room. Hear me out. We’re gonna order $150 minimum, junk food. We’re gonna scroll aimlessly, and we’re not gonna talk at all, just like we used to,” Schwartz suggests. Sounds like my kind of one night stand tbh. “No,” Katie rolls her eyes, “I don’t want that.” In her interview, she tells us, “I feel like Tom’s gonna wake up five or six years from now and realise that I was the one that got away.” I concur. “I don’t know, I think I’ve been getting a little sentimental. I miss the best parts of us,” Schwartz tells Katie. “Think about it! I’m gonna walk away, think about it!” Schwartz is a used car salesman at this point. And he is also the used car.
In the episode’s final scene, Sandoval suggests he and Scheana go take in the view. They discuss the upcoming performance and Scheana admits she’s never done a soundcheck or rehearsed for a show which makes me scream. The conversation drifts to Ariana, of course, and Scheana asks Sandoval how he’s feeling about Dan. “When I found out, I was like, well that’s really good cos I was always worried about her, you know, mentally,” he explains.
“I know she has a very strong no contact policy, even though you guys are still in the same house. But I also know that things that you have said about her and her mental health and things she didn’t want public, is that something you could apologise for kind of weaponising?” Scheana asks Sandoval. This is actually a really valid point, and I’m glad to see Scheana finally discussing Scandoval from a more selfless perspective
“I’m trying to get Sandoval to understand that exposing private details about her mental health makes things so much worse,” Scheana explains in her interview. “I’m just asking maybe if you could say, ‘You know what? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to deflect from my actions and make an excuse for it’,” she tells him/ “When at the end of the day, she wanted to make it work. She didn’t freeze her eggs just for herself. She didn’t go to couples therapy just for herself. She didn’t buy a house just for herself. She did all of these things to build a life with you, and that’s it. Just think about that tonight.”
The episode ends with Sandoval agreeing to reflect on his actions as per Scheana’s request, and the two hug it out. “Me explaining where I was emotionally and mentally has come across as blaming Ariana. I’m not, I screwed up, and no matter how our relationship went south in ways, she didn’t deserve that,” Sandoval laments in his interview.
We have ONE more episode left of season 11, so join me next week to see if this teeny tiny bit of growth from Sandoval gets wiped out in record time.
Written by Lil Friedmann, lover of all things Bravo and staunch defender of reality television. You can follow her at @lilfriedmann on socials.
Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules is available to stream on Hayu from 31 January, with episodes dropping the same day as the USA.
Image credit: Bravo, Hayu + Punkee