Ways To Call Someone Out Without Getting Into An Argument
We’ve all been there: sitting around the family dinner table, or out for a pub meal with mates, and someone says something that you vehemently disagree with.
Whether it’s the sexist uncle at Christmas lunch, a friend who’s dunked on your dating choices one too many times, or someone telling a story that isn’t quite factual, it’s hard to know when you should step in and say something or sit back and mind your own business.
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We spoke to Kaz Mitchell who is a Counsellor, Psychotherapist, and Lecturer at the Australian College of Applied Psychology about how to navigate these tricky social situations.
Conflict doesn’t have to be negative
“For many of us, conflict is seen as something negative, and the fear of conflict creates a desire to avoid at all costs. However, conflict is not only an inevitable part of life, but it is also often a catalyst for positive change,” Kaz explained.
“While we can’t control how other people interpret or react to our viewpoints, we can prepare ourselves for their reactions by remaining calm. Most arguments get out of hand because of the fight/flight response of our Autonomic Nervous System, which readies us in times of perceived threat.
Taking deep breaths; relaxing our bodies; maintaining a calm voice through soft vocal intonations; maintaining ‘soft’ eye contact and keeping our arms by our side with palms open all serve to send cues of safety to others.
These techniques can help both you and the other person co-regulate each other’s nervous systems into a state of calm, allowing connection to be maintained.”
But why does it feel so uncomfortable to call someone out?
“There can be many personal reasons why people find calling out bad behaviour difficult – some of them related to ‘nature’ (the personality traits we are born with) and others ‘nurture’ (learned behaviours),” Kaz said.
“Early family dynamics play a large part in how people handle conflict; repeating strategies we have witnessed growing up, or sometimes trying hard to avoid making the same mistakes of our parents and siblings. More generally speaking, most people have a deep-seated fear of rejection, and this seems to stem from evolutionary principles based on the need for protection from potential predators.
Belonging to a group – whether as part of a family, friendship group or work team – makes people feel safe and secure, even when the group is dysfunctional.
Calling out bad behaviour can threaten our place in the group, and the fear of being ostracised can make it feel easier to ignore what’s happening rather than risk being seen as a ‘spoil sport’, ‘wet blanket’ or ‘trouble-maker’.
How to call out a coworker
“Calling someone out at work can be particularly challenging because of the complex power dynamics that exist, and also because shaking up your work dynamics can destabilise your professional life, which is linked to broader factors like reputation, income, lifestyle and more. Essentially, you can’t just walk away from the relationship with little consequence.
Every situation is different, but in general terms, there are some techniques that can be useful for calling someone out at work. Acknowledge that you are raising the issue with respect and good intention. Employ language that speaks to this: Eg. “Respectfully, I wanted to raise a concern about something you said earlier…”
How to call someone out in a social gathering
“This will depend largely on whether or not alcohol is involved. If the person you are wishing to speak to is intoxicated, then it will probably aggravate the situation to do anything other than try to distract them from doing whatever it is that is making people uncomfortable. Save the delicate conversation for a time when the person is sober.
Other things to keep in mind: How well do you know this person? Can you predict how they will handle your intervention? Is their behaviour obviously bothering other people, or is it just you?
If others are also uncomfortable, consider sharing your thoughts with someone else you feel can support you to make a decision, and work out who would be best suited to approach the person (someone they trust and who you feel can handle the conversation with sensitivity).”
How to call out a family member
“All of the above guidelines are appropriate for calling out a family member, only this time it is far more likely you can predict their response. This gives you an advantage and will help you to make decisions on how to proceed, as well as how to know who amongst your family will likely be a helpful ally – if you remain calm!
That said, family ties often come with complex histories that can make you more likely to ‘lose it’.
Take a deep breath before responding to a family member who has behaved inconsistently with your beliefs and/or values. It can actually be very helpful in the moments before speaking out to recall all of the things you love and admire about them as a counterbalance.
This is not to let family members of the hook: It’s helpful because it relaxes your body language and prepares you to express what needs to be said. This way, you are letting your nervous system settle so that you can approach the person with compassion rather than anger and dismay.
Every one of us has different ‘parts’ to our personality. We have more ‘sides’ than the ones we present in the moment. Try calmly saying something like “there is a part of me that is angry with the part of you that says…” This is a good way of expressing anger without being overwhelmed and overtaken over by anger.”
And when not to call someone out
“The main reasons not to call someone out is if you feel physically threatened by the person or if you’re afraid that speaking out could seriously jeopardise your position in some way that cannot be rectified.
There is no sin in putting your own immediate needs first. As mentioned earlier, if you feel you absolutely must speak out on principle, have a plan B in case it all goes seriously wrong.
Find others who feel the same way as you do for support so that you don’t have to carry the burden of stepping into the arena alone. It’s never an easy decision to speak out against bullying, derogatory, racist or sexist behaviour because of the backlash it can provoke, which is why having strategies in place for your own mental health and wellbeing are so important.
On the plus side, speaking out may encourage others who have been equally unhappy to step out of the shadows to stand alongside you.”