SORRY NOT SORRY: We Rated All The Bachelorette Boys & Didn’t Hold Back
Tonight The Bachelorette returned and what did we just watch?! Srsly, where do they find these people? Tinder?! Oh, yeah. Probably Tinder.
We met 18 boys tonight, some normies, a handful of ‘hubbies’, and one dude that is going to shit us all right up the wall.
I’m 99 percent sure this season is going to end me. Here’s what we made of Ali’s bunch of lads!
Charlie
AKA Hubby Material
This guy is the one to watch. He had natural rapport with Ali and doesn’t seem like a total douche, which makes him a cut above most of his competition. Besides from the rather creepy gesture of giving Ali a handmade dream journal, he seems almost perfect.
Would I swipe right? Yes, I’m only a mere mortal.
Bill
AKA David
Sure he smells nice but this guy is giving me weird vibes. Not just because he told the most pointless story ever to entice Ali, but you just know he still lives with his parents and has a pet lizard called ‘Gallifrey’.
Would I swipe right? Nope. Sorry Billvid.
Wesley
AKA Drogo 2.0
Who the hell knows who this person is? He looks like Khal Drogo just left Westeros and was invited to a Magician’s conference so put on the shiniest jacket he could find.
Would I swipe right? For the Khal Drogo factor alone…yes, I would. (P.S. I’m trash.)
Taite
AKA That Fuckboi Off First Dates
All I know from Taite is what I saw of him on First Dates and he was a total creeper. Taite and his date got very steamy and basically fucked in the post-date interview. It was filthy and my virgin eyes are unclean forever.
Would I swipe right? You just know it’d be all gym selfies and Buddha quotes. NO THANK YOU.
Todd
AKA Wholesome Boi
The dickhead that arrived dressed as a knight turned out to be a total cutie. I found it adorable that the whole night the poor lad couldn’t sit anywhere so he just leant against random furniture. I actually love him. He is a sweetheart and defs one to watch.
Would I swipe right? HELL YES. MARRY ME.
Robert
AKA The Dark Horse
This dapper dresser is defs going to surprise us, and I reckon he could even be The One. Also, he brought Ali a jar of pasta sauce and that was the ultimate romantic gesture that really makes me believe that he understands women.
Would I swipe right? FREE PASTA FOR LIFE? Sign me the hell up.
Pete
AKA Real Estate Bro
Pete works in real estate and really seems like someone who works in real estate. He rambles off senseless sentiments like ‘I just always go hard with everything that I do,’ and we all nod along hoping he’ll soon go away.
Would I swipe right? NO SALE.
Nathan
AKA A Giant Teddy Won’t Save You
Nathan’s biggest fan is Nathan. He is really into himself and is clearly just there to party. He says things like “I’d love to come home to a freakin’ banging chick!” so we can safely put him in the trash pile. Despite saying that, he IS hot. And he dresses like a sleazy jazz musician…which is my kink.
Would I swipe right? I am filth, so yes I would.
Jules
AKA Band Tatt Butt
Pulling up on a Segway – the Ross Geller of transportation modes – has lost him a few points. Then he walked our Bachy straight into a sharp bush. It’s safe to say Jules didn’t have a great run on tonight’s ep, but we did see his butt and I’ll take what action I can get at this point.
Would I swipe right? Yeah, he’s a cutie with a kind heart (and a good ass).
Ivan
AKA Pls Stop Dancing
Ivan says he has more to offer than his “height”, so then he dances for an awkward-faced Ali and I think we can all agree… he only has his height. Also umm $1000 for a private dance lesson? Bitch, you ain’t J-LO.
Would I swipe right? No, thanks for playing.
Danny
AKA The Man With This Face
Sorry, who is this person?
Would I swipe right? Hard pass to this strange man.
Daniel
AKA Sassy Pants
We didn’t see much from Daniel on tonight’s ep, but what we did see was a whole lotta shady side-eye towards his competition and we’re here for the drama those shifty eyes may bring.
Would I swipe right? There’s something about this dude and I’d like to find out more. YOLO.
Dan
AKA Man That Brought A Small Sheep
This guy invoked the most manipulative technique to appeal to any women — presenting her with a baby animal. I feel personally attacked. He seems like a real country lad that probz doesn’t love unnecessary drama, so is absolutely on the wrong show.
Would I swipe right? Despite the adorable lamb, it’s a ‘no’ from me. Too baaaaaaaaaaaad. (I had to)
Damien
AKA Don’t Fuck With This Guy
The only time I saw Damien on tonight’s ep was when he picked up Ali and carried her like she was a damn ragdoll and then almost murdered Paddy. He scares me.
Would I swipe right? Nah thanks. I value my life.
Cheyne
AKA Scotty Bach Bae
I don’t know this person at all but I respect his bold fashion choices and want to know what conditioner he uses on that shiny luminous mane.
Would I swipe right? Why not! He MIGHT have an accent and that’s my kryptonite.
Paddy
AKA We Know What You’re Doing Channel Ten
He starts sentences with ‘SO GUESS WHAT?’ like he’s a two-year-old showing his parents that he just used the potty on his own. He talks about women like he’s never met one. He is trash and it’s obvious to anyone with eyes and ears that he was chosen to stir up shit and be awful.
Would I swipe right? I would throw my iPhone out the window, then drive outside and run over it with my car. I would then send a nuclear missile to hit my car, destroying my home, myself and all my loved ones in the process.
