A Definitive Guide To What Your Drink Order Says About You

As we slowly move towards a more COVID-normal way of life in both New South Wales and Victoria, I thought: what better way to celebrate than by judging everyone I’ve ever met based on what they order at the bar?

Your drink of choice says a lot about who you are as a person, and as a certified pub fiend, I consider myself an expert on the topic. So rather than judging you on your sun, moon, and rising sign, I thought it was time to judge you all on the thing that really matters: your drink order.

Yes, offence if your drink of choice means you’re kinda shitty.

Espresso Martini:

If you’re ordering an espresso martini, you’re one of three things:

• A tired hospo worker trying to pep themselves up after a big shift when their friends are already munted.
• Having a “gals night”.
• Or me when I have money to waste on drinks I otherwise cannot afford (which usually involves shouting a round for a bunch of randos I met in the toilets).

Stout:

You’re 40 and you’re at the RSL club. There is no other answer.

Rum and Coke:

If you’re a man, you’re probably going to punch a wall later. If you’re a woman, you’re about to think every gross man in this bar is really hot.

Bourbon

You’re trying to be ~not like other girls/guys~, or you grew up in the country where you knocked back Jim Beam cans in a paddock on the reg.

Vodka and Juice:

Yuck. I literally hate you.

Spicy Marg:

You’re either about to have a fun night at a Mexican restaurant, or you’re about to be *that* group that everyone else in the bar hates in about 20 minutes.

Any Other Cocktail:

You’re probably dealing drugs.

Seltzer:

You’d probably prefer beer but you can’t have gluten.

Tequila Shots:

Your significant other probably just broke up with you, or you just like… really hate yourself.

Fireball Shots:

Your friends convinced you to do shots but, surprisingly, you don’t hate yourself.

Gin:

You really just want vodka but you have a superiority complex.

Beer But You’re Not A Pain In The Ass About Which Kind:

You’re cool and easygoing. I can’t guarantee you won’t get kicked out of the bar later, but it’s not super likely.

Beer But It Takes You 45 Minutes To Explain Why You Actually Only Drink Asahi Because You Went To Japan Once In 2010:

You’re probably an asshole and you’re going to get kicked out later for annoying the bartender too much.