People Share Their Worst First Dates And I’m Deleting Apps Immediately

Ahh dating. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

Well, you probably could, but if you’re anything like the team here at Punkee, spending your life watching reality dating shows means you think about dating a lot. And you get convinced by the one good couple of each season (hi to Tahnee and Ollie from MAFS) that maybe love is real and maybe it’s just around the corner for you. So you jump back on Hinge or Tinder, and start again.

If you’re single and if you’re friends with single people, we have no doubt you’ve got some group chats popping off about dating wins and fails (shoutout to my crew in the #Thotpocalypse group chat). And it’s not unusual to catch up with your girlies on a Friday night and start screaming about the bar being low after a couple of pinot grigios.

Now that love season is over (goodbye and good riddance Valentine’s Day) we decided to ask around and have people tell us some of their more traumatising dating stories of the months gone by. Whether it’s something their date said or did, we collected the best ones for your curious eyes.

Warning: it may make you delete all your apps, so proceed with caution.

A bunch of people shared with us their worst first dates stories:

Some responses have been edited for clarity. 

The hungry diner:

“He ate creamy seafood pasta… with his hands.”

The not-quite-over-his ex saga:

“I went on a date and he played me a song that he was originally going to propose to his ex with. Then he played me the song he would’ve played if she had said yes.”

The rich one:

“He said, ‘Don’t be silly, we both know I earn more than you’ when I tried to pay the bill.”

The simple favour:

“They asked for a lift to the zoo after saying that weren’t sexually attracted to me.”

The mummy’s boy:

“I went on a date where he FaceTimed his mum to show her the grazing board we ordered, then proceeded to have a full-blown catch up with her, with me just sitting there.”

Now we’ve seen it all:

“My date told me they liked my eyes so much they wanted to cut them out.”

The mates before dates:

“He picked me up with a mate in the front seat. Then he asked if we could have sex in the backseat. ‘Just ignore him, it’s fine, he’s got headphones on’.”

The girl needs therapy:

“Went on a date, 10 minutes in I noticed something was off. She started crying, the place is packed so I asked ‘what’s wrong?’ She tells me she’s been single for 24 hours and she just didn’t want to be alone.”

The unfortunate portaloo:

“We met in a lovely park by the water. And before we got settled I had to go wee. Usually I’d just use my male privilege to go in the bushes but there was a portaloo in the park so I used that. The portaloo was very stinky, as they have want to do. But I did my wee and then pulled the handle to get water to wash my hands… except that’s not what happened. Instead, from BELOW me, came a liquid I cannot identify which could either be stinky portaloo water or just straight up stranger-urine, I simply don’t know.

“Anyway, I was too mortified to explain that I was unable to navigate a single trip to the toilet and was covered in mystery liquid and needed to go home, so I proceeded to sit in my own mystery liquid for an entire two hours before I was able to leave.”

The wannabe rapper:

“Many years ago, a guy freestyle rapped for me when he picked me up for our date. It was at my parents’ place and they were there for it.”

The homophobe:

“He complained about ‘the gays’ being able to get married. So I “went to the toilet”, aka left him there alone. I have never ghosted sans that date, but I totally stand by it. I felt my whole face and body go red with rage. He also had bought the first round so I made sure I drank the rest of my wine before ghosting.”

The honest goodbye:

“Me and this guy just did not vibe in any way. He didn’t watch TV and TV is basically my entire life and my work. When I brought up whether he liked horror movies, he said no, adding ‘This isn’t going very well!’ He wasn’t wrong! As I measured the time passing and when it would be finally appropriate to excuse myself, I started practising what I would say in my head. But what came out of my mouth was a mix of several ideas. I simply said: ‘I’ve got to head off, I must rest!’ That’s it. On my way walking home, he unmatched me.”

The fragile ego:

“We were getting along quite well and the conversation turned to wedding speeches. We agreed that there’s an art to delivering a good wedding speech: not too long, not too short, some light roasting, but nothing that will make your mate or sibling’s first meal with their new in-laws more awkward than it needs to be. But, apparently, one thing we didn’t agree on was his opinion that women simply shouldn’t give wedding speeches — or speeches in general — because ‘they’re just not funny, hey’.

I was taken aback, especially because I’d been making jokes the entire time. I quickly concocted a story about an early work call and got out of there. He’s still watching my Instagram Stories years later.”

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Have a bad first date story? Let us know in the Facebook comments!