Here’s Your 2022 Horoscope!!
2021 is just about to wrap up and let’s be honest: a lot of us are happy to see the back of it.
Year two of the global pandemic has seen many Aussies in and out of lockdown, and as COVID-19 continues to spread through the country it’s understandable if you’re feeling a bit mind-fucked. This year we went from trying to achieve COVID zero, to containing the spread, to just letting it rip as different variants of COVID-19 entered the country.
2021 saw Australia’s biggest cities thrown into lengthy lockdowns, while other states (hey WA!) continued to live relatively normal lives. We lost faith in the government (if we had any to begin with), became experts at walking around our 5km LGAs, and taught ourselves how to swab our own noses before the prices of RATs went up to about $1 million for one test.
And now, it kind of feels like we’re on our own. Left to our own devices. I put a cotton bud up my nose before just to feel something. So after a clusterfuck of a year, what does 2022 hold for us?
I have no idea. I have no psychic abilities but I have been to numerous psychics in my life (none of which predicted the novel coronavirus, let me tell you), so here goes.
AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
The only thing I know about Aquarians is that every person I date tends to be born in this time period, so therefore I am wary of them. So, uh, totally unrelated, this year Aquarius, it’s time to work on yourself. Go to therapy. You have so much potential.
Be careful around your birthday period – COVID is on the hunt, and you are a delicious, perfect prey. It’s not your fault you ooze sex appeal to everyone, including the Delta strain. You’re more than likely to catch it at the gym or a sauna, so maybe it’d be better to celebrate your birthday doing numerous tequila shots until you blackout. Not that I need to tell you how to have a good time. You’re probably drunk or high as you’re reading this.
Love is a tough journey for you this year, and you’ll circle back to old flames as a way to distract yourself from the vapid world of online dating. This could work short-term, but make sure you’re open with your communication around it. You know, the way you’re open with your communication when you’re sliding into 7-8 other people’s DMs.
Career-wise, you’ll definitely make some money. Go you!
ARIES
March 21-April 20
Happy 2022 Aries! The past two years have seen you really think deeply about what’s important to you (double-coat Tim Tams and your favourite restaurant giving you free prawn chips), before you eventually disassociated and dreamt of a more placid life with a herb garden and some pet birds.
This year you’re looking to make things more permanent: maybe it’s time to finally put a ring on it, maybe you and your partner will move in together, or if you’re single now might be the time to close your eyes, swipe right on 10 people on Tinder, then pick the best one from the deck and just make it work. You’re sick of wasting time and you’re ripe and ready, like the two Hass avocados I just bought from Woolies.
Career-wise, I see you once again pretending that your Zoom has frozen before shutting down your laptop and taking a midday nap.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
2021 was a big year of growth for you Taurus, and in 2022 you’ll reap the rewards of your hard work. I see glitz, I see glam, I see celebrations, I see some of the worst hangovers of your life. Remember to drink a Hydralyte before going out and for every third tequila shot, try a shot of water!
Be careful around early April: a dancefloor injury threatens to disrupt your birthday plans. 2022 is a year of transition for you: single people may find themselves coupled-up, coupled-up people may find themselves single, and you’ll probably go vegan for a month. Take some iron supplements.
Career-wise, you’ll make a lot of money this year. Congrats!
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Gemini’s are on the cusp of change this year, but not quite there yet. 2022 for you, Gemini, is about grounding yourself and enjoying the year for what it is before bigger changes in 2023. Maybe it’s the last year of your degree, current job, or the city you’re living in before seeking new adventures in 2023. Take it all in, don’t be too hard on yourself, and eat your greens.
For single Geminis, your love life will continue to be a disaster. Sorry. Partnered Geminis will face conflict with their significant other in January, February, March, April, June, Ju-
You’ll thrive in your career though, and all your coworkers will want to be around you or just be you. This leads to some envy, so don’t take it to heart when you catch one of them bitching behind your back. They’re just jealous and/or threatened (and probably a Scorpio).
CANCER
June 22-July 23
Happy 2022 Cancer! You led a nice, quiet life in 2021 and took some time to work on your mental and physical fitness during snap lockdowns and border closures. This may have you re-evaluating things differently this year, especially when it comes to work and your residence. An apartment or house move is on the cards for you, and down the track, perhaps a change of cities.
If 2021 was about working on yourself, 2022 is reaping the rewards of said work. Your friendships and relationships will thrive, you’ll find fulfilment in your work, and you may even take up volunteering! Just be careful not to overdo it – you run the risk of injury or chronic fatigue if you keep pushing yourself when you’re tired.
Remember to wear sunscreen when you go to the beach.
LEO
July 24-August 23
Leo, for someone usually so driven, you may have felt like you spent the last year or so walking through life with your eyes closed. Let’s just call it a mental reset. It’s time to wake TF up and seize the day, as they say.
This year is yours for taking Leo, that’s if you want it: but it’s all about balance. While your highs are high, don’t spiral out with the lows because you’re probably just being dramatic anyway. Everything is about perspective. It’d be wise for you to stop drinking prosecco and learn that when you say “I’m not even that drunk yet” you actually are.
Coupled-up Lions will feel tension early year, as you and your partner have differing perspectives on what life out of lockdown looks like. Single Lions will continue to have a love life that will have everyone around you questioning how the fuck these things always happen to you. At the end of the day Leo, you love making IRL connections, so shut down Instagram DMs and Zoom, and get out there.
VIRGO
August 24-September 23
Virgo, somehow you managed to jam-pack so much into 2021 that it’s like you didn’t even know the world was in a state of constant chaos. Go you!
After some big changes in 2021, take some time for yourself in early 2022 to chill TF out. Everyone is going to be OK if you log off social media for a couple of days. Trust me.
You’re most likely to flirt with Omicron in January or February, but after March life is looking pretty good again. You’ll be contemplating a new job but make sure to fact-check it before committing. Coupled-up Virgos may have the harsh reckoning of taking off your rose-coloured glasses but things are salvageable if you take time to see things from your partner’s perspective. Single Virgos – you’ll meet someone tall, dark, and handsome on October 11th.
LIBRA
September 24-October 23
Hey Libra! Sorry to wake you up. Where have you been? 2021 was a year you took your foot off the pedal a little and settled into a semi-retirement kind of life. It’s been great for your mental health, and now you’re ready to do big things in 2022.
Career-wise, you’ll be thriving and expect a lot of attention for all the good work you do this year – maybe even an award. Coupled-up Librans may face conflict early-mid year after the honeymoon bubble bursts. Have you ever thought about trying ethical non-monogamy? Heaps of people on Tinder keep talking about it. Single Librans are probably out there doing it right now.
Be careful of your New Year’s Day frozen coke. You’ll get a big brain freeze.
SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
Scorpio, you beautiful chaos Queen. No one knows how you have such high energy for drama while maintaining a successful career, but keep doing you, babe.
Career-wise you’re coming into a big break – maybe a promotion, title change, or raking in more coin than you’ve ever done before. Let’s just say you’re moving from an Omni lifestyle to a Moet one.
Be wary of a man or woman who’s promising you the world around Valentine’s Day. They’re pulling on your heartstrings but they’re absolutely not meaning what they say. For someone so confident Scorpio, you really do have terrible dating taste. Why is that?
SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
Sagittarius, you have been on a real dating journey in the last two years and you’re slowly figuring out what you want, whether that’s finding the other parent of your future child, or whether that’s giving up on monogamy entirely. Be wary of sending confusing mixed messages to a love interest come April – you think you’ve communicated things with them but they’ve decided to take your words to mean something else entirely. Remember, just because they’re hot, it doesn’t mean they’re right for you.
After a big few years married to the job, this year is more about work-life balance for you and it couldn’t come soon enough. Sometimes there’s nothing wrong with earning your pay and checking out at 3pm. If you keep typing, it’ll look like you’re working. No one has to know you just wrote “xujfngnfgkk2” upwards of 109 times.
You’re going to take up running for one month in winter this year. I’d say you’re probably running from something, but who am I to judge?
CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
2022 for you Capricorn is all about letting go and de-stressing. You can be such a tightly wound little bundle of tension, even though you’re good at putting on a happy face and getting the job done. It’s OK to tell people you’re tired or need a break. We all do!
Capricorns this year could benefit from taking up yoga and boxing. Yes, both. It’s important to have variety, and we all know you can get a little stuck in routine, Capricorn!
At least once a month this year, you’re going to be overly sensitive to something. This isn’t a PMS joke, this is just you being you. Remember to look at the glass half-full if you can, and the mood will pass. Especially if the glass is half-full of a nice, crisp Savvy B.
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Happy New Year everyone! I doubt any of these will come true, but let me know next year if they do.