Some Women Aren’t Able To Orgasm, And They’re Not Alone

When Cara* was 20, she bought her first sex toy. She described the purchase as a whiz-bang, top-of-the-line vibrator that promised the world, and while it definitely felt nice to use, it “certainly didn’t feel the way Meg Ryan made it look in When Harry Met Sally“.

Cara told Punkee she was quite late to masturbating but described finding the manual act as a bit boring. She suspected something might have been ‘different’ about her, but it wasn’t until she started sleeping with someone she was both physically and emotionally attracted to, that she grasped her relationship with orgasms wasn’t the same as those around her.

“I love sex, I really do feel fantastic — but I just never felt that release as such,” she said. “I get so close, but it slips away. When I describe it to the very few people I’ve told, I tell them that it’s like edging forever and ever and ever. Maybe I should become a professional athlete, I heard they’re all into that.”

What Is Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia — the inability or reduced frequency to reach orgasm either solo or with a partner — is not often publicly discussed, despite how common it is.

It’s believed that 5-10% of vulva owners have never experienced an orgasm, and around 16% are not sure or have not had an orgasm by the time they reach 28 years old, according to Australian psychosexologist Chantelle Otten in her book The Sex Ex You Never Had. However, she says it’s “hard to tell from this research how many respondents were not able to have an orgasm under any circumstance, or just had not done enough exploration to find the right way to orgasm for their body”.

Over the past decade, there’s been a huge push to close the orgasm gap and prioritise female pleasure, but for those who struggle with anorgasmia, the attention placed on them during sex can morph into intense pressure — partners can internalise the situation as a reflection of their own performance, while the individuals themselves are left feeling defective.

“I’ve been made to feel like a freak by partners, myself, and friends alike,” said Cara. “People, especially some close girlfriends, look at me like I’m this poor lost soul who’s never known fun.”

“The response that frustrates me most is the inference that I’m too uptight to cum — that it’s a personality fault that damned me to a life with no pleasure.”

“I do feel pleasure. I’m a really sexual person who has a great time in the sack. Do I want to orgasm? Absolutely. But the stigma around anorgasmia makes me feel like I’m broken and not enough as I am,” she said.

It can be incredibly isolating to not understand why you can’t orgasm the same way you see depicted in porn or grow up watching in TV and films, but the more society speaks up about it, the more kind we can be towards ourselves and those around us.

What Can Be Behind Anorgasmia?

Anorgasmia can be psychosomatic: from pressure, stress, environmental factors, sex drive, and more. It can also be affected by health conditions, medications, and hormone levels as well.

Sex therapist, and sex and relationship expert for Womanizer, Christine Rafe told Punkee that she prefers the word ‘pre-orgasmia’, as many of the contributing factors towards difficulty or inability orgasming can often be addressed if that is the goal in mind.

“I find this is also relevant where most of those who haven’t yet had an orgasm can experience one, and labelling someone as ‘anorgasmic’ for many clients can mean the issue feels permanent,” she said.

She emphasised that there are no adverse health impacts for those who have difficulty or inability to orgasm, but in her practice, most people describe pre-orgasmia/anorgasmia as a concern for psychological and relational reasons — saying it can make them feel upset, worried, or embarrassed.

“… everybody is different in how they experience pleasure, and it really comes down to knowing what feels best for you.”

Often, the media we grow up consuming depicts heterosexual sex without any foreplay or outercourse, showing a quick progression from kissing to penetration, that ends in “screaming orgasms within a few pumps”.

“Because of this, those who don’t experience frequent or easy orgasms perceive an issue with their bodies, which is probably the least of all true in why people struggle to or cannot orgasm,” said Rafe.

It takes a vulva owner an average of 14 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex, and less than 20 percent of vulva owners can orgasm without external stimulation, she shared.

“Obviously it’s important here to normalise that everybody is different in how they experience pleasure, and it really comes down to knowing what feels best for you, reducing any internal narratives about the ‘need’ to orgasm, and removing pressure.”

“The number of those experiencing pre-orgasmia/anorgasmia can be reduced through pleasure-positive sex education, open communication, and self-exploration to understand on an individual level about what you need to maximise your pleasure,” said Rafe.

Orgasms And Relationships

“I’ve been very fortunate to have had many wonderful experiences with sexual partners. I’ve had some hands-down brilliant sex in my life,” said Cara. “But I’ve got a rule with myself that I never fake orgasms. So while I rarely explicitly tell a partner upfront that I can’t cum, they figure that out themselves pretty quick and almost every person I’ve slept with has noticed and asked me about it.”

Cara described her sexual journey as a Catch-22: on the one hand, being made to feel like a project that can be ‘fixed’ as her partners endeavour to be the first to make her cum just to pat themselves on the back after. But at the same time, when she’s had partners focus on her pleasure without an end goal, she’s had a “bloody good time” in the process.

“In many cases, the main presenting concern is towards the partner, which poses the question: who is your orgasm really for?” asked Rafe . “Recent research found that the perceived ego of a sexual partner impacts the likelihood of faking orgasms, and this is something that impacts pre-orgasmic/anorgasmic folk.”

It’s important to note that orgasm difficulties do not reflect the quality of any relationship. However, Rafe acknowledged that pre-orgasmia/anorgasmia can affect all parties involved negatively, based on the social narratives we’ve been fed about what it means to not have an orgasm. Because of this, couples and lovers can experience loss of sexual confidence, shame, and avoidance, which can cause friction or disconnection between them.

“Placing more pressure on the relational components of orgasm will only draw more attention to the issue, which makes matters worse for everyone involved,” she said.

“If this is happening for you, having an open conversation with your partner about what is happening will support in reducing the shame and pressure.”

In unpacking concerns with her clients, she said the conversation can open a can of worms about perception of sexual skills, satisfaction, and sometimes, their relationship dynamic as a whole.

“The irony is that putting pressure on having an orgasm only makes orgasms more elusive, as the worry about it takes people out of their bodies and into their worried minds,” said Rafe. “Worried minds are not conductive to maximum pleasure and loss of control — which is required for orgasm to occur.”

Options For Exploring Orgasmic Potential

Rafe said because there are so many difficulties that contribute to difficulty or inability to orgasm, people can address some of the impacts either on their own, or with the support of a sex coach or therapist, if they so wish.

“Understanding your pleasure needs is the most significant influence on orgasmicity,” she said. “If you are someone who doesn’t know much about your pleasure, desire, or arousal — get curious about this is in solo touch, and focus on external and clitoral stimulation.”

“…always to follow the pleasure, without putting pressure on an ‘outcome’.”

She said that if you notice that you feel pressure to have an orgasm, one tip can be to move away from goal-oriented sex. “If we set time time to focus on learning more about our pleasure, we will gain insights into our specific pleasure wants and needs, rather than getting caught in our heads focusing on whether we will or won’t have an orgasm,” she said.

“With continued practice that isn’t goal focused to orgasm, and instead is focused on learning new ways to feel pleasure with ourselves and partner(s), we retrain our brain to be more present in the moment, which actually increases our chances of having an orgasm.”

However, for people who have physical, hormonal, or medication related pre-orgasmia/anorgasmia, Rafe reiterates that sex hinged on climax and release is actually less satisfying overall than focusing on the ebbs and flows of the moment.

“Regardless of the orgasmicity of an individual, my focus with clients is always to follow the pleasure, without putting pressure on an ‘outcome’,” she said. “This is pleasure-focused over performative sex, and research shows us time and time again that this is the key for long-term sexual satisfaction.”

In The Same Boat

“If you’re experiencing anorgasmia, you’re not alone, said Rafe. “There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you in any way for experiencing sex and pleasure differently to someone else.”

“Pre-orgasmia/anorgasmia is only an issue if you see it to be an issue, and isn’t an influencer to overall sexual satisfaction for many people. If you’re enjoying the sex you have — solo or with others —  don’t feel that you need to change anything!” she said.

“To others who experience anorgasmia, I want them to know that they’re not the only ones out there,” added Cara. “Big sexy hotties like me experience it too!”

“And to those that don’t experience it, or have a friend or partner that does, please just watch the way you talk about it. Be patient, attentive, and non-judgemental. Sex is different for everyone.”

Photo Credit: Olia Gozha/Unsplash 

* Name has been changed