The Big Merino, one of Australia's Big Things

Face Off: Which Giant Australian Statue Would Win In A Fight?

Of all the cooked things Australia does, erecting giant statues of things like guitars and bananas is somewhere in the middle.

Why did we decide to build the Big Merino? Like yeah, it’s a sign of Goulburn’s thriving wool industry, but why was it really built? Could it have been intended as a safety precaution in case Australia’s Big Things came to life and turned sinister?

We decided to test the theory.

Here’s who would win if Australia’s big icons came to life and battled it out.

Big Ant (Broken Hill, NSW) vs. Big Meat Ant (Augathella, QLD)

Thanks to their territorial nature, these two ant sculptures (how do we have more than one ant sculpture, what the hell Australia?) would probably spend most of the battle in a 1v1.

Actual footage of the fight, probably.

Let’s look at some stats:

Broken Hill’s Big Ant is a bull ant, who are notoriously the jerks of the ant world.

 

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The Meat Ant is a cute little critter who was built as a tourist attraction and has so far failed to attract any tourists, maybe because it’s actually not that big and maybe because no one cares about a statue of an ant.

 

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The Big Ant would win without breaking a sweat and then go back to its lair or wherever ants live.


The Big Gold Panner (Kelso, NSW)

He’d probably describe himself as a “top bloke” before whacking someone over the head with his gold pan.

 

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Unfortunately for him, he’s only five metres tall, coming in on the smaller end of the fighters. He’s got strength but lacks versatility, so he’d be knocked out quickly.


The Big Penguin (Penguin, TAS)

Everybody knows that penguins are like the James Bond of the animal world. This little guy may look cute, but his gadgets would wipe the Big Lobster and the third Big Ant (three ant statues, Australia? I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed) off the map.

 

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Big Dead Fish (Fish Creek, VIC)

This fish is already dead. Thank you for your contribution.

 

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The Big Potato (Robertson, NSW)

Literally just a big potato. I guess you could throw it at things? It probably wouldn’t win on its own, and kind of looks like a big poo (not to be confused with the actual Big Poo statue in Kiama).

 

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The Big Marlin (Cairns, QLD)

If this was a cartoon, the Big Marlin would stab people. But it’s not, it’s real life, and so the fish would suffocate out of the water.

 

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The Big Crocodile (Wyndham, WA) vs. the three Big Ned Kellys (Maryborough, QLD, Ballarat and Glenrowan, VIC)

We’re in the end game now, my bloodlust friends. The Big Crocodile would do a lot of biting. He’d bite so hard, you guys.

 

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Unfortunately, teethy boys are no match for three giant men with guns.

 

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The Ned Kelly Trio would come out on top after only losing one member of their outlaw supergroup.


WINNER: Big Funnel-Web Spider (Jamberoo, NSW)

What the actual fuck.

Apparently, this is part of a waterslide at Jamberoo Action Park? A waterslide meant for kids?? What the actual fuck???

 

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This monstrosity would win. It’s almost 20 metres tall, it’s got fangs, it’s a fUnNeL wEb SpIdEr. It would just leap at everything else and bite them and they’d die a painful death. Shut it down.

(Lead image: MD111, used under CC BY-SA 2.0)