13 Things That Happened On The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Premiere
Finally, the night we’ve all been waiting for! Bachelor In Paradise returned to our screens and my life has meaning again.
I’ve truly never been more excited to see a bunch of hot idiots try to find a summer fling. While the wait has been so long we can safely assume none of these fledgling couples would’ve lasted through the Aussie summer and then the coronavirus isolation period, it feels nice to step back into a time where we had no idea what was coming for us, and the biggest drama was speculating what naughty stuff Ciarran would get up to in paradise.
What have I been up to since my last recap? Thanks for asking. Yesterday I stared at my wall for seven hours and 45 minutes.
Anyway, let’s get right into it! Here’s what went down on the premiere of Bachelor In Paradise:
1. Timm was the first to arrive to paradise and he literally looked like… well, all of us considering we’ve been in lockdown for the last few months.
He greeted the vast, endless ocean, arms outstretched, ready to be taken into a loving embrace.
And he danced like no one was watching, because, well, no one was watching.
He also looked like all of us after we drink one too many pinot grigio’s at home and blast Miley Cyrus’s ‘The Hoedown Throwdown’ while dancing by ourselves.
Just me?
2. Our fave Gemini, Queen Abbie returned to make paradise her bitch.
After hiding from her in the bushes, Timm burst forth to let Abbie know that he was eating his pineapple like a good boy. In totally related news, I’ve once again gotten rid of dating apps.
3. Abbie was only keen to see Ciarran which makes a lot of sense after watching Jake Ellis forlornly walk in like he never even left.
He’s just been sadly circling the island the whole time, waiting for his chance.
Jake’s entrance was confusing for everyone, who originally thought he was Jamie.
4. LITNEY IS BACK, BABY! She came into paradise with high hopes of not being attacked by birds which is the opposite to what will happen to Ciarran on this island no doubt.
If Litney doesn’t get her love story this season, I’ll be furious.
5. Janey entered, and no, she isn’t actually a sweet newlywed who drank a potent cocktail and got lost trying to find her way to the bathroom.
She was actually on a previous season of The Bachelor. Richie’s season in fact! She was the one who dropped off her shoe upon her red carpet arrival and then hobbled around the cocktail party until Richie returned it before she turned into a pumpkin, or whatever.
She then nearly tripped on her entry into paradise. Janey just doesn’t have much luck with shoes, sadly.
6. A handsome pool boy got some air time before he went to go blow up the plastic floating devices for the Bachy crew to lounge on while they waited for more arrivals.
Rumour has it his name is Greg.
7. And finally Abbie’s dreams were answered when Ciarran himself sauntered in, clothes off of course.
So Ciarran can wander into a resort, clothes off, grapes covering his bits, but when I do it it’s all like “ma’am, please put some clothes on, get out of Coles, and return to isolation?” The double standards, smh.
8. Jamie decided to come back for his very own redemption story.
While admitting he has been a huge stage-5 clinger in the past, Jamie is here to rewrite his narrative and somehow… I worry that this won’t work out for him.
Stage-5 clingers are like leopards – they can’t change their spots. And that’s fine! But a dating show just isn’t the right environment. All stage-5 clingers deserve to go out and find love with other stage-5 clingers, without cameras around preferably.
“Is that why you’re never allowed to go on a dating show so all you do is sing ‘All By Myself’ at all hours of the night, crying?” my elderly neighbour Doris chortled, banging furiously on my wall to get my attention.
Fuck off, Doris. I’m very successful when it comes to dating! You don’t know shit.
9. Intermission: Is Osher’s hand OK?
That’s some E.T phone home shit going on right there.
Is this a call for help already? Osher do this signal again in later episodes if you’re in need of rescuing, we’ll keep an eye out.
10. Timm was given a double date card and decided to take Litney and Britt.
The only other time we’ve ever experienced double date cards on the Bachy franchise has been when it’s been the whole “two go, one will not survive” type of deal. But this time, Timm got to take two women out for a good time, which I assume is every straight man’s dream.
It’s gotta be extremely awkward for the ladies though. Timm took it in turns dancing with them, while the other one watched on forlornly trying to look like she was enjoying herself, and that it didn’t feel like being transported back to a Year Six disco when Backstreet Boys’ ‘All I Have To Give’ was played and your crush walked straight past you to grab your friend to dance instead.
But I’m fine!
I’M FINE.
I AM TOTALLY FINE, THANKS FOR ASKING.
11. Plot twist! The Bula Banquets were introduced, kinda like a MAFS dinner party but with no experts.
My PTSD from the last season of MAFS was wildly triggered. As soon as the questions box was brought out, I expected John Aiken to climb out, small tub of lightly salted popcorn in his hands, ready to lecture them all on the sanctity of marriage.
The worst part was that I wanted him to and I was disappointed when it didn’t happen.
My heart yearns for your sage advice and stating the obvious John Aiken, I hope you’re well.
12. The questions box revolved around Ciarran’s last relationship with another Bachy reject, Renee.
This is where things got a little spicy.
The TL;DR is that Ciarran dated Renee who was on Matt Agnew’s season of The Bachelor, and admitted to cheating on her. Cass, who has eyes for Ciarran, is apparently “good friends” with Renee. So after Ciarran airs his dirty laundry, Abbie says Ciarran owning it is fine and it shouldn’t stop him from moving on with someone else “unless someone’s good friends with Renee or something”.
Haha, who could THAT be about?!
Cass then decided if her good friend Renee was to walk in, as a “really loyal” person, she’d have to see whether Renee would be fine with Cass pursuing Ciarran or not.
I’m going to say… no one… should pursue… their friend’s ex?
You psychopaths.
13. Ciarran ended the night being a naughty boy and sneaking into Abbie’s bed.
Unsuccessful in getting a smooch from Cass after the banquet, Ciarran gives us a line direct from the Holy Book of Fuckboi. “Unfortunately I didn’t get a kiss from Cass, so why not pursue something with Abbie,” he grinned.
Why not indeed.
