19 Things That Happened In Tonight’s Movie-Length Episode of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
Welcome back to paradise, friends! Since we last spoke, a lot has happened: a behind-the-scenes paradise show dropped, we got the news three intruders were coming into paradise tonight, and my old AF next-door neighbour Doris left an “anon” note under my door, calling me an annoying bitch and saying my recaps sucked and that she could do better.
Except she tried to sign it off under the alias “Boris” so jokes on you, you old cow.
Last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise was bloody hectic and if you’re still emotionally drained, you’re not the only one. But that’s nothing some healthy life practices like not sleeping and living solely on chocolate-dipped coffee beans can’t fix.
Let’s recap tonight’s extra-long episode of Bachelor In Paradise. It sure did go for a really long time.
1. We opened to absolute chaos. Everyone basically threatened to leave paradise, but not me!
I am here for the long haul, buckle up bitches.
Ciarran was reeling after his interaction with Renee, Timm realised his pot-stirring ways made him look like a little shit (so he wanted to do the adult thing and run away) and Jamie heard Timm was going to leave, and he was NOT going to deal with being in paradise without Big Sexy himself — so he also packed his bags.
2. Thank God for Litney who can’t be bothered to deal with any of the shitstorm around her.
Girl has her priorities sorted.
3. But don’t worry everyone! Everyone who threatened to leave decided to stay.
Let’s just chalk it up to too much free-flowing wine at the Bula Banquet. Who amongst us hasn’t just tried to dramatically leave a dinner after one too many pinots?
4. Thankfully, a brand new entrance brightened up a new day. Welcome back, Alisha!
Alisha is instantly horny for the pool boy, which is a big paradise mood.
Literally, for someone who got zero screentime on Angie’s season, Glenn’s pivot to being absolute marriage material for all the ladies in paradise is truly iconic.
5. And say hello to the biggest plot twist we’ve ever seen in paradise. We welcomed three brand new loaves of bread. Sorry, I mean men.
Osher whisked Alisha away as soon as she arrived and she got to go on a date with three brand new men. Conor, Tim with one M, and Chris are otherwise known as the “Cleanskins” which definitely doesn’t sound like a faulty condom brand or anything.
Also I’ve forgotten all their names already because I’ve been too focused on not calling them “skinheads” for the rest of this recap. I can’t make any promises that this didn’t happen.
Let’s scroll on.
6. Before the others got to meet the Cleanskins, Jess was busy teaching Mary and Cass how to twerk… which was as tragic as it sounds.
I am 100% Cass in this situation. I admire her even attempting this sober.
Jess’ face said it all though.
7. Glenn friendzoned Helena, because Alisha walking into paradise sealed the deal for him.
I’d recall the details about their conversation but then I remembered none of us really care.
8. And in a true Ex on the Beach moment, a shipwrecked Alex swam his way into paradise.
This has gotta be the funniest entrance I have ever seen. If we thought poor Renee walking around the island for 84 years last night was rough, then Alex being thrown in the middle of the ocean to swim in is pure, evil insanity from the producers. I LOVE IT.
But damn, Alex made it look good. Hello Baywatch. Remember that guy from Angie’s season who thought he looked like Zac Efron? He could never.
It’s like a scene straight out of Home and Away.
9. Then, Channel 10 dropped their brand new reality show, one which I will never recap.
So many of the girls were excited to see Alex but he only had eyes for his true loves: Da Boiz. It’s a love story we never knew we needed because the thing is, we don’t need it.
Then Alex got distracted for probably the rest of the season, thinking about a response to this very tough question.
We’ll leave you to it Alex, hit us up when you have an answer.
10. Alisha entered with her three new boyfriends, much to everyone’s shock.
Everyone was trying to place where the skinheads… sorry cleanskins, came from as though maybe they were just in the background of Sam Frost’s season and it makes sense we forgot them all. Or perhaps they’re American intruders, even though we all know they could’ve just brought American Alex back instead.
I bloody love these idiots who think they’re celebrities trying to comprehend how ‘normal’ people got in here, screaming at these poor men “what show are you from?!” and they’re like “sorry ma’am, I’m just a normie, just like you fools.”
You just love to see it.
11. Intermission: Alex has finally learned how this show works.
Better late than never.
12. Jake is on a world tour telling people he desperately misses his ex Megan Marx and how do I opt out of this storyline, pls?
We GET it, Jake. You felt love once. Lucky you! Stop bragging!
Sorry but what the fresh hell is going on here, Conor, you’ve been on the show for like two minutes?!
This is haunting. Who needs the night vision lights in any of the rooms when Conor is around, that’s all I’m saying.
13. Alisha and Glenn hit it off, and in my favourite moment of this episode, she accidentally calls him Greg.
Her face!!! Alisha, I’m not laughing at you, I am laughing with you.
“I can’t believe I called you Greg, what a sicko,” Alisha said.
Look, this isn’t the face of a man who looks like he minded being called Greg by Alisha, that’s all I’m saying. I have a feeling Alisha could call him Pool Boy for the rest of their lives and he’d be stoked.
Sorry, maybe I’m just projecting again.
14. One of the new skinheads chose Brittney for a date, but in typical bad Litney luck, she got sick and couldn’t make it.
Oh my God, I can’t deal with this. Litney is one of the most genuine people on the show, who is actually looking for love and she’s absolutely cursed. Someone sage her room, pronto! She finally had a chance to break free of the Jamie friendzone and THIS is what happens.
Call me Karen, because I’m putting in a complaint.
15. Which gave Alisha and Greg a chance to go steal the date.
Tag yourself, I’m this producer that’s so bloody stoked to see these two whisking each other away.
16. Alisha and Greg had the most disgustingly cute date and I was left somewhere between crying and vomiting.
OK, so boring but when I watch each episode of this show 93 times, I screenshot as I write notes to make sure I have all the material I need to make my shitty little memes to make my shitty little brain laugh at itself.
“No one cares, get to the point you dumb bitch,” my absolutely ancient next-door neighbour Doris yelled, as she was doing a handstand against our joint wall.
Ugh fine. The point is, I got this below screenshot of Glenn and Alisha and their sexual chemistry was TOO MUCH FOR MY LAPTOP! Hand on heart, I did not put any effects on this photo in Photoshop, the photo just turned out like this naturally. (Also, I mean, have you seen my memes, I can barely use Photoshop for effects let’s be real.)
Anyway, after a lot of massaging of body butter and being wrapped into a giant banana leaf, Alisha and Greg definitely cemented the fact they have a connection.
And the TV faded to black…
17. The cocktail party dawned, and Niranga dropped an absolute zinger on Ciarran.
Lmao, shut him down, king.
18. Jake was on a warpath about “friendship” roses.
With Niranga and Cass on the friendship rose path, as well as Litney and Jamie (even if Litney does want more), Jake was not having a bar of anyone who came to paradise to appear on Friendship Island.
“It’s not REAL!” he wailed into a cocktail. “I came here for LOVE,” he said to a brick wall. “I met my ex here, and it was real love and everyone here is not genuine,” he yelled as sand sifted through his fingers, the wind morphing it together to make a grainy sand portrait of Megan Marx.
Look, he DOES have a point. We want some epic love stories, not to keep seeing Jamie and Litney have the worst miscommunication in the history of the world, while Cassandra sits on a swing looking at every male who approaches her with barely disguised distaste. (Huge mood though.)
19. Jake decided to exit during the rose ceremony to go fight for his one true love.
Honestly, I am all for this plot-twist, good on him. I can’t wait to see him and Megan cooking up a Hello Fresh storm on Insta stories real soon.
Oh, and this guy left. Whoever he is.
Remember my dear friends that Bachelor In Paradise will return SUNDAY night this week because we love a changing schedule to keep us on our toes and no one in this office wanted a day off anyway!
