Dips, Ranked

I grew up in a family of dippers. We love to dip, in fact 5:30pm was ‘dip hour’ in my household, and each night at this time my mum, dad, and sisters would wrap around the kitchen bench, with a selection of dips, cheese, and crackers.

While dips can bring a family together, dip can also tear a family apart. Anyone who is a frequent dipper, knows there are ‘good dips’ and there are ‘bad dips’. My dad was the dip-buyer of the household, and the weeks where he bought ‘bad dips’ would result in a week of complaining, a week of suffering, a week of straight-up revolt!

Sometimes is ok to wake up and choose violence. At least once a month.

— Cardi B (@iamcardib) January 31, 2021

You see, my dad knew that the majority of the family hated fish-flavoured dips, while he absolutely loved the stuff. Despite majority rule, week after week fishy dips made their way into our family’s fridge. Arguments would always ensue, my mum would open a bottle of gin, and in my teen angst, I would probably go and hide in my room and tell my MSN boyfriend all about how my dad had violated my basic human rights to enjoy ‘good dip.’

Make no mistake, dip is very divisive. It’s time to do a dip ranking to end all dip rankings.

Dips, Ranked From Worst Dips To Best Dips:

15. Taramasalata

Dis-GUST-ung. This dip — along with salmon and caviar — is an insult to dips everywhere. Why on earth would anyone crave fish dip? Why is it a thing? Why don’t you just dive into the ocean and glug down some saltwater while you’re at it, you absolute madman?! (Yes, I’m subtweeting my dad.)

14. Corn

Speaking of dips that should not exist, corn dip is foul. Just the thought of creamy corn makes me ill. Who asked for creamy corn dip?! Corn should only do two things: its kernels should be turned into popcorn, or it should be ground down and baked into corn chips.

13. Avocado/Guacamole

Anyone who has tasted an actual avocado will know that dips claiming to be “guacamole” or “avocado” inspired don’t resemble avocado whatsoever. I will forever associate these kinds of dips with receiving a serving of nachos at the pub covered on this stuff, rather than authentic guacamole. It is filth!

12. Spring Onion

OK, now that we’ve got through the ‘bad dips’, these next bunch of dips are just…meh. Like, they’re fine! I don’t hate them, but I would never choose to buy them. First up, there’s spring onion, which is truly the Ted Mosby of dip options. No one invited it, but it’s always around and nobody really ever wants to touch it.

11. Sour Cream & Chives

Then there’s sour cream and chives. Again, it’s fine! It tastes OK! This tastes slightly more exciting than spring onion, but it’s still a waste of space on a cheeseboard.

10. Sweet Potato

Now, we’re cooking! This dip is decent. I’m not a huge fan of sweet potato, but in dip form it tastes pretty good. That being said, it’s not a dip that you can just eat constantly. The sweetness is overpowering, so after a few dunks, you want to move on to a different dip.

9. Beetroot

Yum! Beetroot is yum! Dip is yum! Yum!

8. Olive

Whether you like olive dip or not will likely be determined by whether you like olives or not. So it should be stated that I love olives!!! Seriously, give me a plate of olives at any party and tbh, I’ll take my plate of olives and go home as my night has peaked. Naturally, olive dip is just olives on steroids, so I eat that shit up. I will admit, however, that it’s a very strong-flavoured dip, so it’s not for everyone.

7. Tzatziki

Tzatziki is great! The flavour is strong, but it pairs perfectly with cheeseboard staples like sun-dried tomatoes, olives, and cured meats.

6. Eggplant/Babaganoush

Another go-to dip that’s always welcomed to the table. Eggplant dip is basically just mashed-up eggplant and garlic, and I’m not mad about it.

5. Hommus

Hommus is a dip for every occasion, it’s a dip that makes every meal more delicious, it’s just a dip that makes everything better. Hommus doesn’t pretend to be anything flash, it’s simply mashed chickpeas with tahini, lemon juice, and garlic. It’s so basic that you won’t taste a bad hommus. You can’t get it wrong! Hommus is always good and that’s one of the greatest comforts in this life.

4. French Onion

We’ve reached the God-tier dips right here! I don’t know why French onion is so good, it just is! I actually have no idea what it even means? What makes it French? Is the onion wearing a tiny beret before becoming dip? Is the onion named Pierre? These are all questions I could easily Google, but it’s more fun to speculate.

Anyways, it tastes bomb. Bonus points for homemade onion dip made from cream cheese and French onion soup packet mix. Ooft. The actual best.

3. Spicy Capsicum

This might be ~controversial~ but I will defend spicy capsicum to the death! It’s just the perfect dip. The flavour is yum, as we all know red capsicums are the only capsicums worth eating, and the creaminess is so good. Whether you’re dipping with crackers, corn chips, or carrot sticks, it all works! Spicy cap is king!

2. Sweet Chilli Philly

This is the only cream cheese on this list, because it’s the only one worth inclusion. Sweet Chilly Philly is an Australian icon. Sweet Chilli Philly is the glue that holds us all together. Sweet Chilli Philly belongs on a coin.

1. Spinach

Via WikiCommons

I bet you didn’t see this coming! Spinach dip in a cob is unmatchable! Sure, you can buy spinach dip in a tub, but it never tastes the same as homemade and cooked inside the bread-bowl of the gods. The dip is perfection, but it’s the vessel (the cob) that carries the dip that truly makes this dip special.

Spinach dip in a cob brings people together.

Spinach dip in a cob upgrades every party from good to great.

Spinach dip in a cob can change the world.