byron bay guide

The Basic Bitch Guide To Byron Bay

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While we’re all here, let’s start by taking a moment of silence for all the basic bitties who can’t travel to Bali right now. We’re thinking of you. <3

We get it. You’re bored, pale, and you’ve already taken 800 pics at the local vegan café and you need a new stomping ground. International borders are closed, so where do you go?

Byron, of course.

What used to just be an attraction for seeking out the Hemsworth brothers (at least that’s why we would go), is now a hotspot for influencers, models, surfers, bodybuilders, pilates instructors, and other forms of moderately hot people who have nothing else to do with their week.

Our favourite growing species – the basic bitch – has found habitat in Byron Bay, and everywhere you look there’s a new breed emerging and taking over the city.

If you’re on the HUNT for the basic bitch, cos idk, maybe you want to see how they interact in day-to-day situations, there are a few spots around the city that you’ll definitely manage to locate them without fail.

Here is the Basic Bitch Guide to Byron Bay:

Raes

 

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We’ve all seen the Insta pics. Trendy influencer/couple posing on the steps in front of the bright blue ‘RAES’ sign. 9/10 times the people who partake in this pic didn’t actually stay the night at Raes. In fact, most of the time they didn’t even eat there either.

More often than not these basic bitties just downed a six-inch Italian herb and cheese at the Budget Inn, and are now on a quest to find something *luxurious*.

I challenge influencers to apply this same principle to other hotel chain signs. Normalise posing on the steps in front of the Ibis, you cowards!!!!!!

The Byron Bay General Store

Here’s the thing, we used to LOVE The General Store, but ever since Zac Efron met his Vanessa (not Hudgens) while she was waiting tables at The General Store, it has since become FILLED with people hoping for a *main character * run-in with the HSM star.

Tbh I wouldn’t be shocked if there’s been an influx of waiter and waitress applications here, because who isn’t trying to achieve the love story of being a *regular person * and falling in love with a celebrity?

I know I am! Actually, can someone confirm if they’re hiring?

Wategos Beach

If you didn’t take a snap of Wategos Beach with the caption ‘day for it!’ did you even go to Byron?

 

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Wategos Beach is where basic bitches go to burn. The amount of tanning oil that has seeped deep into the sand at this beach is enough to capsize a ship.

Everywhere you look, there’s a plethora of people sprawled out with absolutely zero intention to get into the water because they just got their lashes done last week.

Oh, and don’t get us started on the amount of people holding BOOKS. The Milk and Honey book by Rupi Kaur has literally seen more of Wategos Beach than any of us will ever see in our lives. The pages are being turned but no one is reading them. They’re just a prop in the scheme to try and look *cultured*, which will always be uploaded as a pic right onto the ‘gram.

The Farm

Just to clarify, this is NOT the farm that Old McDonald was talking about.

Instead of chickens, there are influencers. And instead of actual farm work, it’s photo shoots.

Going to The Farm at Byron Bay is pretty much a rite of passage for travellers. But there’s one thing that takes the cake for basic bitties and that’s whether or not you ordered the fancy avocado toast.

First of all they call it avocado hummus?!  Oh, and they also have an ‘add mozerella’ option for an extra seven dollars. Yep…SEVEN DOLLARS. LET THAT SINK IN.

The Mez Club

Mez Club is GORGEOUS.

 

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It’s like a scene from Aladdin in here, totally decked out in exotic décor and looking very Arabian nights, if we do say so ourselves. However, the people that go to Mez Club have most likely never eaten Lahmacun or Labneh and it shows.

We’ll be sitting at Mez Club and at the table across from us some basic bitty is ordering ARANCINI BALLS and OYSTERS?! Sorry WHAT?! THIS IS THE MEZ CLUB, WHY ARE YOU HERE.

Byron Bay Lighthouse

You already know that girls and guys absolutely packed their Lululemon tights and Gymshark tank tops to do the Cape Byron walking track that leads to the lighthouse.

 

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Every basic bitty and their dogs (literally with their dogs tho) do this walk at Byron. They’ll always stop at that one spot a few 100 metres from the lighthouse and take their Insta pic with the caption ‘going round the twist!’.

Bonus basic bitch points to the people that go at sunset fully dressed in linen, and pose for pics as if they just drove up in their Maserati, and didn’t sweat their life away on the walk up.

Byron Beach Hotel

If we’re talking basic b’s, this is their natural habitat.

While stunning, Byron Beach Hotel is packed to the brim with all sorts of the same people.

Picture Dan. Full length arm sleeve, short sleeve shirt, Quiksilver sunnies, and a pint of beer in his hand. Multiple that by 80 and that’s the males.

Now for girls. Picture Priya, 23-years-old wearing the latest Bec and Bridge. She just ordered a Mojito with TWO plastic straws and is now taking pics for the gram out front with her Gucci crossbody. Again, multiply that by 99 and there’s most of your audience.

Minyon Falls

When he says he’s *not like the other guys*, he means that he’s probably the type to go to Minyon Falls.

 

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We get it. You’re athletic. You’re ripped, And you probably want to do something out of the ordinary because you’re a thrill seeker. Where do you go? MINYON FALLS.

Minyon Falls is literally filled with shirtless guys with 8-packs, and girls in active wear who got sunburned the day before and have to do something low-key.

When you finally get to the falls, you most likely will have to wait in a line of like 192,312 people because everyone is trying to get an Insta pic in front of the waterfall, while throwing their hands in the air.

Byron Bay Markets

You know when you see a girl or guy wearing some ugly boho ‘ish, and you fake ask them where they got it from even though you REALLY don’t care?

 

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9/10 times, it was from Byron Bay Markets.

This place is packed to the brim with boho stores, juice presses, psychedelic art, and all kinds of minty jewellery. Basic bitties from all over the globe flock here to pay ridiculous prices for ‘ish that they could literally get for 10 cents anywhere, but because it’s Byron Bay Markets it’s ~premium~.

90% of the stuff offered here is all sold for mere cents on the side of the road in India. Incense? Himalayan salt lamp? Net bags? Byron prices: Upwards of $80.

Miss Margarita

 The same people who come here are the same people who think Zambrero’s is better than Mad Mex or Guzman.

Don’t get us wrong, Miss Margarita is stunning. The décor, the ambience, it’s very Mexico City chic. What confuses us is why the people here literally dress as if they’re going clubbing at the casino?

You are literally face down in a plate full of fish tacos, that will probably shoot right through your bowels in a few hours, who tf are you trying to impress?

You can spot a basic bitch at Miss Margarita because they’ll always start off with the $11 corn chips and guac. Basic bitties are avocadovores, and wherever they go — in whatever form it’s in — they’ll never fail to order it.