I Want The New Hot Cop On ‘Home & Away’ To Arrest Me
Hi, my name is Tahlia and I have a confession. I am a 31-year-old woman who still watches Home and Away religiously.
Maybe it’s something to do with the fact my parents banned me from watching the show as a kid. Maybe my rebellion, when I started sneaking in episodes at my Nonna’s house, has led me into a lifelong adult obsession with the happenings of Summer Bay. Maybe it was just months of lockdown that turned watching every single episode into a habit that I now cannot break. Either way, the past couple of years I’ve gotten really into the beachside drama happening on my screen at 7pm every weeknight.
There’s been a huge chunk of the show I’ve missed, of course, back in the days I had a social life and the word COVID didn’t send a shiver down my spine. I wouldn’t be able to tell you much about the Braxton brothers during their Home and Away era, or how many people Leah married during that time. I assume all of her husbands died though.
What I can tell you right now is the addition of new police officer Cash Newman has made me weak at the knees.
Basically, I want Officer Cash Newman from Home and Away to arrest me ASAP.
I want to accidentally drive my car into his police car and pretend I’m drunk so he arrests me on the spot, before I pass the breathalyser and he has no choice but to say, “well miss, can I take you out for a real drink?”
I want to break into the diner, smash shit up, and hold Irene hostage just like the Summer Bay Stalker would, until Cash saunters in and I drop the facade and pretend I had an out-of-body experience I couldn’t control… and no, that’s not a euphemism. Yet.
After things calm down, Cash would realise I am nothing but a troubled soul who washed up on the Summer Bay shores only speaking Pig Latin and gently take the handcuffs off, staring deep into my eyes and saying, “An-cay I-yay ake-tay oo-yay oo-tay eah-lay’s ext-nay edding-way?”
I want to egg Alf Stewart’s Caravan Park and set it on fire (but only a little bit) so Cash comes running in shirtless (it’s a hot day) and tackles me to the ground, yelling “you’re under arrest… for making it too damn hot in here.”
I want us to fall slowly in love over milkshakes at the diner, until I convince him being a cop is kind of a terrible job, and eventually we’d run off into the sunset together to go start up a charity for disadvantaged kids.
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I want-
Well, you get the point.
Thank you to the Home and Away team for introducing Cash Newman to us in lockdown life. And if the actor who plays Cash is reading this, I’m just joking. Kinda. Unless??