I Tested Cheap Wine To Find The One That Won’t Destroy Your Hungover Soul
We all strive to be fancy bitches, but sometimes a girl’s gotta budget! Your tastebuds shouldn’t have to suffer just because all you can afford is a bottle of cheap wine.
Cheap wine can low-key destroy your soul with a hangover from hell that’s made worse when you realise you drunkenly messaged your garbage ex.
But there’s hope for frugal drinkers! I tested the cheapest bottles of sparkling wine from Dan Murphy’s BWS, Liquorland and Aldi to find out which is the best for its low, low price. Have mercy for my pool, hungover soul.
These are the best bottles of cheap sparkling wine that cost less than $8!
#7. B Francois Brut NV
$8 from LiquorLand
This is the wine equivalent of the popular kid in high school who never left their home town. It starts out sweet and quickly takes a dive into something that manages to taste like water and feel like oil. I’m no wine connoisseur (if the core concept of this article didn’t already give that away) but I know that wine shouldn’t taste sour and this nasty number tasted SOUR.
It was also technically $14 but on sale for $8. For $14, I expect a wine that won’t destroy me the next day. This wine is over-hyped and under-delivers. It’s the fuckboi of wines.
#6. Veuve Olivier French Sparkling Wine NV
$7.99 from Aldi
If I tried to make wine, this is what it would taste like. That is: simultaneously syrupy, fizzy, and hot trash. I will forever be bitter about the fact that I had to taste it. Which is funny, because it also tasted bitter.
#5. Corte Carista La Cortellina
$7.99 from Aldi
This tasted like sparkling water that was mixed with sugar inside a SodaStream, but I could and would smash a bottle of it on a wild night out.
A lot of these wines have OTT fancy names that would normally put any broke bitch off buying them but remember, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
#4. Passion Pop
$4.99 from Dan Murphy’s
I am not okay with Passion Pop ranking 4th. I gave it 10/10 and so did the other girls at this cheap wine tasting. But the boys, those heathens, gave it 0 or 2/10 which tanked its total score. The rest of Punkee might not agree, but Passion Pop is the best drink that you can buy with your loose coins (don’t @ me).
#3. Somerton Brut Reserve Cuvée
$5.49 from Dan Murphy’s
If it’s possible for a wine to taste like a colour, this wine tasted like pastel yellow. And turns out pastel yellow tastes sweet and dry. It was inoffensive, and incredibly bubbly. Mmm, pastel yellow.
#2. Seaview Brut Sparkling
$7.99 from Dan Murphy’s
This bottle was fruity and fun, and if I’m pretending to know things about wine I’d call it “full-bodied”. It’s one of the more expensive wines on the list, but it’s honestly a blessing that it only costs what it does.
#1. Cleanskin No 10 Pinot Noir Chardonnay
$5.99 from Dan Murphy’s
You can argue with my rankings, but my research is conclusive. This clearskin is the best wine you can buy for under $8. It’s fruity but doesn’t need to brag about it. The bubbles are literal perfection, and the aftertaste doesn’t destroy your mouth. This wine wouldn’t dare give you a hangover, because it respects you as a human being. It’s 100% that bitch.
Go forth high-class broke drinkers, and conquer.