How To Stop Wasting Your Time On Dating Apps, According To A Dating App Veteran
If you were to look at the number of failed dates and talking stages I’ve been through, frankly it would be embarrassing. I like to call myself a dating app veteran, and have been familiar with Tinder since I was 17 (can you believe there was a time when minors were allowed on Tinder?!).
I love that apps such as Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble have been able to give me a never-ending catalogue of men at my disposal. Whether I was feeling a bit horny or looking for someone to take me on a late night Macca’s run, these apps always made sure there was someone there to accommodate.
Unfortunately, I’m nearing my late 20s, and I think I’m finally ready to close off the chapter that is my hoe phase. While I’m not entirely ready for the whole marriage and kids thing, I am brave enough to say that I am looking to find love. As it turns out, meeting someone at a bar or having someone approach you in a Starbucks while you read a book is less common than I thought. After two attempted dating app detoxes, I’ve decided to swallow my pride and re-download the apps in an attempt to find a long-term relationship.
So, how do I weed out the one-pump-chump losers and focus on those looking for something a bit more serious? This is what I have been doing, and hopefully my Prince Charming isn’t too far away.
Swiping left if they have no bio
Not having a bio is the online dating equivalent of giving someone a blank store-bought birthday card: put it straight in the bin! If I’m using Bumble it’s my duty to message first, and the only thing you’re giving me to work with is “5’11” and a picture your ex-girlfriend probably took in 2018. NEXT!
Refrain from giving out your Instagram within the first 24 hours
While grabbing someone’s Instagram is a great way to perform some much needed detective skills, I don’t think I’m ready to open up the shitshow that is my Instagram to a prospective partner. I’d prefer to make it to at least date two before I scare them off with the 24/7 cycle of memes on my story. Plus, when you inevitably stop talking after three days you end up stuck in the hellhole that is “do I unfollow? Or do I keep them around to witness my occasional thirst traps?”
Taking icks very seriously
In my attempt to find love I am not tolerating any red flags. In the past I have tended to let them slide, or try to pass them off as a “fun quirk” (spoiler: velcro wallets are NOT a fun quirk). From now on, if I get the “ick” I am trusting my gut and rolling with it. If someone can present an ick within the first 24 hours, God knows what else I can expect in a long-term relationship.
Unmatch as soon as the word “cuddles” is dropped
Speaking of icks, nothing dries up my nether region more than a guy proposing “cuddles”. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for some cuddles, but there’s just something about a man on the internet asking for such a thing that gives me big “where’s my hug?” vibes. You may as well put on a Fedora and start trolling on Twitter. This leads into my next point…
If they propose meeting up within the first five replies – RUN
Now, this might be an unpopular opinion, but I like to get a good gauge of the person I’m talking to before I meet up with them. I need at least a one week screening period before I agree to put in the effort that is required to meet a man!!! I have been told of horror stories where my friend has met up with a guy within three days of matching only to find out that he didn’t believe there was a gender wage-gap. This is why we need to screen our matches thoroughly! I need to know their opinions on feminism and BLM before I agree to meet up with them.
Make use of all the apps features
Did you know you can set your status on Bumble to “looking for a relationship” and set your search to only include people with the same status? Or that on Hinge you can specifically search for people above a certain height? Utilising these features plays as a process of elimination, so you won’t have to spend hours swiping through men who will inevitably disappoint you. Personally, my favourite feature is getting to choose your Spotify anthem on Tinder. You can tell a lot about someone based on the song of their choosing, and yes, I specifically curate mine each month to find that special someone.
With all these boundaries in place, I’m positive that I will come close to finding the Pete Davidson to my Kim Kardashian. If these tips help at least one person avoid a LOSER, then my job here is done.