Why Do We Get “The Ick” & Can We Overcome It?

New romance is exhilarating. You quickly find yourself obsessed with the way they talk too much after their third glass of shiraz and you even find it endearing that they wear odd socks on occasion. Catching those initial romantic feelings for someone is like getting drunk on chilli margaritas you didn’t pay a cent for. It’s highly enjoyable and soon enough you’re filled with a warm gooey feeling whenever their name pops onto your phone screen. 

This is all until the dreaded ‘ick’ occurs, a modern-day term coined for the sudden cringe feeling you get when you’re romantically involved with someone. So, why does it happen? How can we possibly go from being infatuated with a new and exciting romance, only to be abruptly repulsed by them due to the most minuscule and mundane acts? Is it normal to want to run for the hills simply because they put three sugars in their morning coffee?

Armed with many questions, I spoke to certified Sex Coach, Georgia Grace about why we experience The Ick.

Dating someone new creates a chemical response in our bodies by flooding them with oxytocin and dopamine. These wonderful neurochemicals leave us enraptured in feel-good bliss, making us engage more and more with our exciting new romance. These euphoric feelings can quickly be relinquished when experiencing ‘The Ick.’

“It is a full-body response, your jaw clenches, your toes curl and you feel the urge to step away from something that is not cognitive or you can’t be rational about,” Georgia said. 

It can happen at any time during the dating stage, leaving you feeling completely turned off by this person you once daydreamed about introducing to your grandparents. It can take something as small as looking at them from a certain angle or hearing them breathe, to make you feel like you can’t stand to be around them anymore. 

Why do we get The Ick?

“Unlike a red flag, Icks are often harmless behaviours or opinions, as opposed to triggering or unsafe behaviour that you need to get away from. It leaves you with an icky feeling where you are no longer attracted to that person,” Georgia explained. 

Sometimes The Ick just happens. It’s unexplainable and a complete and utter bummer when the once intoxicating attraction towards someone simply fades away, leaving an uncomfortable gut reaction in its place. If the unpleasantries of The Ick are continuously sabotaging your ability to build strong romantic connections, whether it’s the way they tie their shoelaces or brush their teeth, there may be a reason as to why. 

Georgia says, “This reaction could be a habit, a survival mechanism with the intention of keeping ourselves safe, or it can be an ingrained response to getting close to someone.”

The way they burst into a fit of laughter over a rather odd cat video may make you squirm, however, it could also be a response to being vulnerable with this person. 

“For many, The Ick is often a strong reason to flee a relationship, however, sitting with the feeling and understanding why it has occurred may make you reconsider. Examining if it is a recurring response, or something you feel at a particular stage when you’re dating, will give you a better understanding of why you feel this way.”

Can you shake The Ick?

Yes, The Ick can pass! However, it can be quite a task to shake. 

“If you’ve developed an ick response in order to validate your reason to leave because you were required to communicate your desires, be open, or be vulnerable about your feelings, there are ways to work through it. When it comes to relationships, communication is a powerful tool and can support you in resolving most relational conflicts or concerns.” Georgia said. 

For many though, it can feel like an insurmountable task to shake the repulsion they feel when their new romance eats spaghetti, or to stop recoiling every time they think of that comment they made about women’s tennis. 

“Having heard from people and their willingness to move past the ick, many believe it is simply impossible to unsee what they’ve seen or, extremely difficult to not get annoyed every time they do that particular thing that triggers an ick response. It really can be for some, too annoying or too gross to move on from,” Georgia said. 

You can be completely infatuated with someone, for them to later lose their shine and that is perfectly OK too. Our bodies can respond in unexpected ways that can make absolutely no sense at all. 

As Georgia said, “sometimes you may be attracted to someone, only to find that what you once found fun, exciting and mysterious, you now just find really annoying. This is why it is useful to examine the ick, sit with it, get curious about it and challenge it if it is useful.” 

So, next time you’re dating the person that seems completely and utterly perfect, only to make you want to gag every time they wear that dreadful grey jumper, sit with the feeling and try to understand why exactly it gives you The Ick.

And, if you simply can’t move past it and nor do you want to try, it’s probably time to move on.