Shit Men Say On Dating Apps That Give Me The Ick

Ahh dating apps! Can’t live with ’em, could probably live a much more enjoyable life without ’em. But here we are!

After the better part of two years in lockdown as a single, heterosexual woman, I have spent more than my fair share of time on dating apps and shockingly, I’m still single.

While this means I have been bored as a bat and completely deprived of any sort of affection for the last two years (sad), it also means I’ve established a pretty great list of immediate red flags when it comes to ~the apps~.

Is this why I’m still single? Who knows?

Any Mention Of The Show Friends:

It’s not 2009 anymore, watch a better TV show.

Talking About If Pineapple Belongs On Pizza:

This debate ended so long ago and honestly? I don’t really care what you want on your pizza.

I’ll Fall For You If… You Trip Me:

I would straight up rather you punch me in the face than use this Hinge prompt.

Fishing Pictures:

I’m stoked for you and your fish but I can’t stress how much a photo of a dead fish makes me drier than the Sahara Desert.

Group Photos:

Just say your friends are hotter than you and be done with it.

Any Prompt To Do With Dogs:

If liking dogs is the only thing you’re using to narrow down whether or not she’s the one, that’s probably why you’re single. Pretty much everyone likes dogs, stop using this prompt, I’m begging you.

Looking For Someone Who “Doesn’t Take Themselves Too Seriously”:

This is straight-up code for “I am a man-baby and I want someone who will be my legal guardian and not get fed up with my bullshit.”

“The Most Spontaneous Thing I’ve Ever Done Is…” Followed By Them Telling You How They Moved To Melbourne:

Sorry but if you’re using a spontaneity prompt on Hinge, you’d better be telling me about that time you skydived naked with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, or it’s simply not worth my time.

Moving to Melbourne isn’t spontaneous, Michael. Grow up.