A Bartender Tells Us What Your Drink Order Really Says About You
Before I became a multi-award winning writer, multi-platinum selling recording artist, part time runway model and compulsive liar, I spent around 3 years as a bartender at a couple of pubs, serving beverages to you filthy animals.
There are three things you learn as a bartender: how to flirt for tips, how to insult people without them even realising and — most importantly — how to read someone’s entire personality simply by their drink of choice.
Ever wondered what your fave bevy says about you? Let’s do it.
White Wine
You’re super accident prone, and that’s why you’ve chosen a beverage that doesn’t stain too badly. You’ll taste every wine on the menu before choosing the cheapest glass, which you had already decided on, but you wanted to snag some freebies and make the bartender’s life a living hell.
Most likely to: Want to speak to the manager.
Sparkling
It’s either your birthday, your friend’s birthday or a Tuesday night — hey, we don’t judge! You tell yourself you can handle your liquor but are high-key a massive lightweight.
Most likely to: Smash a glass.
Red Wine
Your night is going to go one of two ways: you’ll have a glass or two with some friends, then head home at a reasonable hour for a wholesome night in, or you’ll find yourself at 3AM scream-singing to Sk8er Boi at some dive bar you’ve never been to before.
You own loads of stain remover and can never wear white on a night out.
Most likely to: To form a lifelong friendship with me.
Schooner Of Beer
You’re a bit of a wild card, aren’t you? Are you just here for a quick beer with the boys after work, or are you going to settle in and get rugby league drunk? Who knows?!
But hey! You’re a bloody good bloke and almost always the best tipper so you and I are going to get along just fine.
Most likely to: Try and drunkenly talk to me about politics.
Vodka Raspberry
The DJ telling you he doesn’t take requests won’t stop you from screaming in his face to, “PLAY DRUNK IN LOVE.”
You’re constantly losing your friends but make up for that poor quality with being really good at dancing.
Most likely to: Make friends with strangers in the bathroom.
Voddy Lime & Soda
You’re smart for chasing your spirits with water, which is for sure not going to stain. You will, however, drink them a little too quickly and lose count of how many you’ve chucked back.
That’s OK though because you’re still a SKINNY legend!
Most likely to: Smoke bomb to go home and eat pizza in bed.
Can Of Rum
Ooft. You’ve made a commitment, haven’t you? You’re a bit of a bogan, but honestly, who isn’t?
Most likely to: Start a brawl.
A Shot Of Straight Liquor
You’re here for a good time, not a long time, and me and you, we are friends.
Most likely to: Spew in the Uber.
Soft Drink
You’re the real MVP and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Either you’re the deso driver, you’ve chosen not to drink tonight or alcohol just isn’t your jam — whatever the case may be, you’re the realest. For reals, you’ve probably saved your mate’s lives more times than they remember.
Most likely to: Be a sweet baby angel who deserves the world. xoxo
Whiskey
You’ve never set foot in a paddock but wear RM William’s boots everywhere you go. You’re trying to impress someone by drinking Whiskey (which tastes like pure gasoline) and WE GET IT. YOU’RE CULTURED. You can stop now. No, please. Stop.
You never miss your round in the shout though, and for that, you’re a bloody top bloke.
Most likely to: Name drop the private school they went to into every conversation.
Espresso Martini
Don’t even TALK to you ’til you’ve had your morning coffee, amirite?!
You love a little pick-me-up and although you’re a little basic, you’re really fun to be around. Unless you’re the person who orders a round of cocktails when there’s only one staff member on and the bar is already six-deep. In that case, you are evil and you will pay for your sins.
Most likely to: Take a boomerang of you and your friends cheers-ing.
Vodka Redbull
YOU LIKE TO HAVE A REALLY GOOD TIME, BUT ARE SUPER YELLY. Your left eye won’t stop twitching and you’re wondering if it’s indigestion or heart palpitations you’re experiencing. Your friends are worried about you.
Most likely to: Get slapped in the back of the head by a stranger for minding your own business.
Did we miss your drink of choice? Drop that baby in the comments and we will give you a totally accurate reading from our in-house bartender (me) ASAP.