Just Hear Me Out: A Pop-Punk/Emo Gym Should Exist

Picture this: you’re working out, getting those gains, wiping some sweat delicately off your brow. Glass Animals ‘Heat Waves’ is playing loudly again. Like it does every day at the gym.

Maybe you’re on what feels like your 170th leaping lunge on the reformer machine. Maybe you’re keeping an eye on the clock in a spin class, because dear god, shouldn’t it be over soon? Maybe you’re going nuts on that SkiErg in a HIIT class, hoping the hot PT isn’t looking at you at your worst.

In those moments of fading motivation, when you need to muster deep and find one last lunge, push, squat, sit up… whatever you’re doing, do you know what’s so not helpful?

Hearing Justin Timberlake’s ‘Can’t Stop The Feeling!’ as the final track destined to get you to the finish line of your 45-60 minute class.

Do you know what WOULD be a vibe? Anything by Fall Out Boy, Paramore, or My Chemical Romance to really make you dig deep, get angsty, and finish that damn workout.

Which leads me to my theory here: there needs to be a pop-punk-emo gym franchise.

Of course, like most gyms, there’d be some fundamental rules that makes it stand out from its competitors and we’ll run through those in a second. I love my gym Virgin Active for all it’s variety but most of the music played in the classes makes me want to claw my eyes out.

Seriously, if I hear another Justin Timberlake song I am going to give up on my plank-pike combo, let out a guttural scream as I tear my grip socks off, and start throwing those blue pilates balls until someone turns it off.

Forget getting out a phone or card to scan into the gym — entry to emo gym is via tattooed barcode on wrist, we’ll be squatting with heavy silver skulls, black towels will be handed out at reception instead of white ones that show all your sweat marks, and everyone will be feeling completely content as ‘Misery Business’ booms in the background.

If I won the lotto I’d open a gym that only played emo / punk music. Only emos and goths allowed. Everyone just doing HIIT classes to ADTR, FOB, MCR, Amity. Pop turns punk playlist for spin classes. You sign in by barcode tattoo on your wrist. Squat with heavy silver skulls. Etc.

— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) January 20, 2021

Not convinced? Imagine the emo-themed classes!

It’s hard to make yourself go to a spin class at the best of times. Who hasn’t been at the 20-minute interval, desperately cycling away, and wanting to give up and die. “She died doing the thing she hated most,” I imagine my family tearfully saying at my funeral. “A spin class that played Justin Timberlake three times in one class.”

You wouldn’t feel like that at Red JumpSpin Apparatus! There’s plenty of songs that would get you through that final burn: the angriness of ‘Face Down’, the overall vibes of ‘False Pretense’, the chaos of ‘You Better Pray’. The class would be over before you know it!

Moving on, if spin isn’t your thing, imagine the gains you could get at Fall Out Bootcamp. Suddenly the SkiErg isn’t your mortal enemy. Everything is fun when ‘Thnks Fr The Mmrs’ is playing in the background. The last round of ab work? Easy-peasy when you have ‘Sugar We’re Going Down’ jazzing you up.

Forget BodyAttack — your emo gym wants to welcome you on board with Yellowcardio with the warm up being everyone’s favourite ‘Ocean Avenue’. Nostalgia and exercise is one swift hit.

BodyPump or weights more your thing? Anberlift or A Day To Rep-member will have you covered. They don’t call it a Feel Good Drag for nothing and it absolutely won’t be the Downfall of Us All.

Of course, the options are endless at this gym with other specialised classes: My Chemical Row-Class, Panic! At The Barre, YOGABLUD, The Ab-ity Affliction, Box me the Horizon… ok that last one isn’t my best work.

You can already just hear your PT yelling out every boxing class, “This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arms race!”

Just me?

After class you get your own special emo protein shake.

Feeling like some nourishing Green Day? Maybe a Cacao Is What We Aim For? A Taking Back Strawberry? The options will be endless.

And no Justin Timberlake?

NO Justin Timberlake. Forget about ‘Cry Me A River’ and let’s focus more on Crystal Lake.

Where do I sign up?

Not sure yet, but if anyone wants to fund this idea for me I’ll happily jump on board as co-owner.