Your Guide To Acting Like You Give A F*ck About Your Mate’s Trip To Bali
Three words, 15 letters. Say them and I’m yours…
JETSTAR BALI SALE
There are certain things that should be illegal: owning an assault weapon, leaving a baby in a car, and having to listen to your mate waffle on about his Bali trip. Sound harsh?
Look, hearing about Bali is like seeing your friend do the walk of shame at 7am. You don’t have to tell me what you did for me to know.
We’ve put together a guide that’ll help you survive your mate’s ‘Kuta phase’…until she gets bored and moves onto Phuket.
Here are some foolproof tips that’ll make your mate think you give a damn about their Bali vacay:
1. Comment things like ‘yaasss’ and ‘fk it up sis’ on their IG pics.
Likes don’t mean shit in 2019. If Katy whips out her $800 Camilla bikini at Finn’s, you best believe she expects to see you geeing her up in the comment section.
2. Or if you’re not bothered, just drop the fire emoji and get on with your life.
And if you’re feeling extra generous… drop two.
3. Watch each and every Instagram Story. Even the 27 pics at Potato Head.
C’mon. There are only SO many angles one can see of the fkn sunset. But if Amy checks her story views and yo ass skipped? Trouble.
4. If in doubt, spit out generic phrases like “that café looked soo good!”, or “where was that cute club with the pool?”
You could unknowingly drop a “babe, that smoothie bowl looked fire!!!” and you’re pretty much guaranteed it’ll stick.
5. Practice acting wowed by Kynd Community and Sisterfield Snaps, as if you’ve never seen Acai served in a bamboo bowl before.
Avocado Toast? For Bali? Groundbreaking.
6. As they’re telling you about their trip, pretend to be taking notes on your phone… when really you’re just playing Kim K: Hollywood.
It would pain me even to ACT like I’m interested in a Bali trip. But as long as they think I’m on my phone writing down club names like Omnia and Mexicola, you’re free to text HELP to 000.
7. Laugh when they laugh.
8. Repeatedly say “love that for you” at random points throughout the conversation.
Can’t go wrong, really.
9. If they start to catch you losing interest, immediately drop a ‘farrrk but how good’s Kuta aye’, and it should buy you an extra hour.
Let’s just put it this way; if Australians were as passionate about global warming as they are about Denpasar, we’d be living in a hole-free Ozone layer and have genetically modified trees (real talk).
10. Ask them whether this time was better than the last four times.
Anyone who suffers from BBBDS (Basic Bali Bitch Derangement Syndrome) has most definitely been there more than once. Imagine going through life thinking that Bali is the only tourist destination that exists?