Are You A Karen? Here’s How To Tell
Coming out can be tough.
It’s one of the most defining moments of a person’s life and mustering up the courage to tell your parents those dreaded words could ultimately make or break you. You’ve just got to do it, you know who you are. Find your voice, and say it.
Mum…I’m a Karen.
We’ve seen the memes, watched the TikToks, and sussed out the tweets. We’ve tagged our friend Karen and to nobody’s surprise she’s pissed.
She throws her nose in the air and snarks “that’s NOT me” while she hops in her Volvo and heads off to the P&F meeting. CLEARLY she’s in denial but don’t worry we’ll show her the light.
We’ve put together a guide for Karen to check if she is in fact, a Karen, and 99.9% of the time…she probably is. I mean, if you name your baby Karen, she’s GOING to grow up to speak to the manager, like, it’s just inevitable?
Either way, if you are a Karen, you’ll know by the end of this.
Are you a Karen? Let’s find out:
1. Do you speak to the manager?
I mean, feel free to stop here.
peter: that guy at the shop was kind of mean.. what should i do
karen: speak to the manager asap
— bree noel 🎄 (@joIIystark) December 17, 2019
This is Karen’s entire life’s passion. Her days are spent driving her kids to soccer, getting her nails did, and speaking to managers all across the country. Karen has never met an expired gift card, lack of high chairs, or inflated prices that she didn’t address.
If you have, even once, gone over someone’s head and asked to speak to the manager about something so stupid, you may as well change your Instagram bio to @TheOfficialKaren.
2. Do you drive a Volvo or an SUV?
Old Karen riding my ass with her brand new Lincoln suv and hair extensions throwing her hands up like we aren’t all in this traffic
— OG Dust (@_H_money) December 14, 2019
How else is Karen going to drive the kids to practice? Or pick up her new vintage ottoman?
If you drive a Volvo you are most definitely a Karen, and we’ll take a bet you got a killer discount from, you guessed it, asking to speak to the manager!
3. Do you have a short bob and highlights?
I swear salons have a special request for the “Can I Speak To The Manager” haircut. It’s usually a short, angled bob with blonde highlights, as well as dark brown undergrowth/lowlights.
With Karen, the more volume the higher the manager of whom she wants to speak.
Flat hair? Store Manager. Minor Volume? Regional Manager. Huge quiff with ultimate volume? Yep, I’ll see the CEO please.
4. Do you lose your receipt?
Me: M’am this reciept is expired
Karen The Soccer Mom: pic.twitter.com/t1VPw8EypA
— 💙Mateo💜 (@wthmateo) March 19, 2019
There are many types of Karens when it comes to retail stores.
They prey on innocent sales assistants and are always trying to kick up dust from an issue that they themselves started.
If you’ve ever lost your receipt and tried to return something, you are a Karen. Furthermore, if you’ve tried to return something due to your own poor washing, because it’s now on sale, or even while the store specifies NO RETURNS, you are the Kaz Overlord.
5. Do you give kids fruit on Halloween?
You how evil and miserable you gotta be to give out fruit for Halloween?…Nobody wants that funky ass apple Karen.
— I hate it here (@BreonTheGreat) November 1, 2018
Let’s face it, Karen loves to sh*t on everyone when they’re most cheerful. And that includes kids.
Karen is the type to give kids raisins or mandarins on Halloween, or she rants to them about how it’s ‘American’s devil holiday’.
If you’ve ever not answered your door on Halloween, put a sign up, or not given kids chocolate EVEN THOUGH you secretly had your own stash of Ferrero Rochers at the top of the pantry, then you my friend, are a Queen Karen.
6. Do you argue with the ref at soccer games?
Karen does not just drop off her kids to soccer games and then pick them up after, nor does she just watch from the car. Karen is FRONT AND CENTRE on the field, walking up and down ensuring that her kids are performing and that everyone’s behaving.
God forbid the ref makes a tight call against her kids, because trust and believe Karen will sue him for every cent he is worth.
If you’ve ever questioned a ref’s call at a LOCAL sports match, you are the Holy Karen.
7. Do you drink white wine with your mum friends at Book Club?
Karen loves a good glass of vino. She’ll often be caught sipping a cheeky bev right after the kids head to bed.
However, when Karen gets together with her friends, she LOVES to hold the glass firmly by the stem, sipping and bitching about the other parents at school. Book club was meant to discuss Fifty Shades Freed, but instead it turns into one big gossip sesh about whether Susan and Mark are really getting a divorce and what Carol had to do with that.
8. Do you wear acrylics?
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Since Karen does nothing else with her time other than speak to managers, she can keep her nails as inconvenient as she wants. It’s all part of the intimidation technique you see: the taller the claws, the more ferocious the look to managers.
If you’ve ever sat in a nail salon getting your acrylics done and spoken to the manager because you thought the nail tech was talking sh*t about you, you are a Kaz-City. Furthermore, if you’ve ever broken a nail YOURSELF, and gone back to complain to the nail tech, you, are Kaz-Nation.
9. Do you pop off at P&F meetings?
do babies named Karen exist or are they all born 40 year old PTA soccer moms
— Sarah Luther (@sarah_lutherrr) July 15, 2019
Normally at P&F meetings the parents sit there, listen, and dish out any ideas when asked. Not Karen. Karen uses the P&F meetings to pop off about something that’s on her mind, whether it be the bake sale, head lice, or about kids who are telling other kids that the tooth fairy isn’t real.
The meeting will literally be about what theme to have at the Year 6 disco, but Karen will always change the topic to something completely unrelated, because lo and behold something has pissed her off. Honestly, if you’ve done this you may as well legally change your name to Karen The Kaz.