I Followed Kourtney Kardashian’s ‘Day On A Plate’ Guide & I Have Regrets
Recently Kourtney Kardashian wrote an article for her lifestyle site Poosh where she included what she eats on an average day and, look, it was pretty dire.
Kourtney let her fans know she was back on the Keto diet and wrote about her “day on a plate” which looked extremely healthy, green, and kind of joyless. Following a guide of three meals a day with no snacking and alleviating any hunger with green tea or bone broth, Kourtney follows a pretty strict diet to get her rockin’ bod.
First things first, what is Keto?
The very basic concept around keto is to reduce your carbs and eat more fat. It brings your body into a state of ketosis which means you’re burning fat for energy instead of the carbs.
It’s worth mentioning all the foods Kourt has to avoid when trying to get into ketosis.
She clearly forgot to mention she also avoids fun, living life to the fullest and overall happiness.
Ugh ignore my bitterness, I’m just mad because I don’t even look this good at 28 let alone 40.
Kourtney’s Keto meal plan is as follows:
Breakfast: An avocado smoothie. Seeing Kourt can’t consume honey or dates while on keto, she subs it out for some stevia and adds MCT Oil, blue-green algae, and bone broth powder, three things I am utterly convinced are made up and not real products you can buy.
Lunch: Kourtney’s go-to lunch is a “protein-based chef salad with turkey, a base of mixed greens, and egg whites.”
Dinner: For dinner, Kourtney keeps it simple with either salmon or fish and likes to get “creative” with substituting carbs. “I make cauliflower rice or broccoli rice because even though they’re made entirely from shredded veggies, they kind of trick my brain and make me feel like I’m eating some carbs,” she wrote, in maybe the saddest excerpt from an article I’ve ever seen.
Kourtney tries not to snack while on keto and if she needs a boost she either has a green tea, some bone broth or a few nuts.
I know what you’re thinking — wow, this sounds awful. And I agree. But because I hate myself, it made sense to challenge myself to trial Kourtney’s day on a plate, even if it was just for 24 hours.
Here’s an honest review of what Kourtney Kardashian’s diet is really like:
But first! A few notes:
I tried to follow Kourtney’s day to the best of my ability without spending unnecessary money on expensive products I was never going to use again. So even if she recommended it, I did not go out and try and source collagen powder, MCT oil, or blue-green algae. Crazy, I know. All up, this haul cost me about $40 to eat like Kourtney for the day.
I also decided if I was in desperate need of a snack, almonds would be my nut of choice over Kourtney’s preferred walnuts.
Breakfast:
Kourtney’s avocado smoothie is pretty much exactly as it sounds. It’s a whole fuckin’ avocado blended up with coconut milk (which I substituted for coconut water) and some stevia if you wish.
“Are you sure it was meant to be a full avocado?” my boss asked me later that morning as I suffered through our Monday meeting feeling rather nauseous. But alas, Kourtney’s recipe did call for one WHOLE (organic) avocado to be blended up which, tbh, is why I ended up ditching the coconut milk part and sticking to water.
I still wanted to survive the day after all, not make myself vomit on the train at 8am.
Overall the smoothie was… well, I didn’t even finish it all. I chugged most of it while trying to film myself drinking it on Instagram, because, content.
Here’s the thing, fam: Avocado is delicious on toast. It’s delicious on Vita-Weats. It’s delicious in salads. I fucking love me some guac.
It is not delicious to drink WHOLE in a smoothie. And sadly this isn’t even the first time I have consumed some blended avo for content purposes (thanks Ivan).
Bottoms up.
Lunch:
I am not fooling myself into thinking this bland mixture of kale, broccolini, turkey and egg whites is anything NEAR the “chef’s salad” that Kourtney gets whipped up for her. I’ve seen those Kardashian salads on the show — they are the real deal.
This, my friends, is not the real deal:
Yes, that is me enjoying my first 1/2 cup of bone broth!!
The one, sad feeling of gratification this meal gave me however is that 85% of the time I try to stick to a vegetarian diet, so introducing a meat protein back into my lunch day was somewhat exciting…until I realised how bland it tasted.
Kourtney made no note of seasoning or dressing on her website when describing this dish. I decided to give it a slight tahini dressing just for SOMETHING, but even that wasn’t enough to save this. It was less of a salad, more of a sauteed green mess.
45 minutes later, I was damn hungry again and onto that next 1/2 cup of broth.
I think I lost 10 Instagram followers through this process.
Dinner:
After struggling through the world’s most half-assed PT session (sorry Pablo!) I got home to enjoy a delicious 8:30pm dinner of salmon and cauliflower rice. Once again, Kourtney didn’t exactly specify how she likes to season or eat her salmon and veg, and by this stage, I DIDN’T FUCKING CARE.
I made up a miso, ginger and soy sauce, coated the salmon, whacked it in the oven, cried when heating up the cauliflower rice because it smelt gross, and shoved it all in my mouth while trying not to think of chocolate. Hell, at this stage, I would’ve happily taken an apple.
Yeah OK, I GET it! This oven-baked salmon looks like a piece of shit but also so am I, so it evens out.
The miso sauce saved the dish. It actually wasn’t that bad and I hate to say it but… Kourtney’s kinda right. I didn’t even notice the cauliflower rice wasn’t real rice when I was eating it mixed with everything else.
Snacks:
If there’s one thing I learned during this 24-hours is that I like snacking and I do not like when people take that simple joy away from me. (Just kidding, I actually already knew that.)
I’m normally pretty good with snacking during the working day — a piece of fruit, some carrot sticks etc. and then a protein ball for my 3pm treat. But a life of drinking only bone broth when you’re hungry is not a life I want to live. Give me carbs or give me death.
Regrets and Learnings:
I have a few.
Obviously you can’t tell with this kind of diet if it’ll work for you in a 24-hour time period. Part of the thing about going keto is you really need to stick to it and allow your body to go through rapid changes before seeing any beneficial results.
As someone who already follows a relatively healthy diet, I can’t say doing a day in the life of Kourtney Kardashian has given me any tips and tricks I want to pick up and follow.
As quoted in the movie Braveheart (1995): “The Kardashians may take our lives, but they’ll never take our carbs.”
I did cave and allow myself 8 almonds as a snack and by that dire stage (3:30pm on a Monday arvo), I decided none of this was worth it.
I was unhappy, unfocused and acting like I had just entered a deep well of depression that I would never climb out of. Kourtney, Imma let you finish, but you can stick to this plan and I’ll stick to weeping with relief when I have a bowl of oats later.
And my avo will forever be saved to go on my toast.
Thanks anyway, Kourt… you’re still my fave Kardashian though.