We Bravely Ranked How Horny All The Characters Are In ‘Love Actually’

It is boring to talk about how much you either love or hate Love Actually at Christmastime. We all have our Christmas faves, whether that’s playing ‘How to Make Gravy’ endlessly on the 21st of December, or sitting down to watch a double bill of Jim Carrey’s far superior Grinch movie followed by Die Hard. You love Love Actually! Same!

Sure, the movie is another Richard Curtis classic, and it’s horribly unfair to its women characters, but there is another important question to be asked: who was the most horny character in Love Actually, a movie built upon people pursuing romantic relationships/sex? Who has the most barely repressed British thirst?

Because, hey, everyone is horny at Christmas by default – there’s so much time to kill, there’s so much grog flowing, and it’s sweet, sweet release from your family arguing about where pavlova came from.

Behold, our horny ranking of Love Actually.

22. Rufus (Rowan Atkinson)

Rufus, the department store clerk who loves tinsel, is the least horny character in the Love Actually universe. Too busy arching his eyebrows and judging your festive cheer to be thinking about the D.

21. Joe (Gregor Fisher)

Joe doesn’t fuck. He just watches porn with his friend, Billy, on Christmas Eve. He might be secretly horny, like we all are, but we are given no indication of that from Joe. Sorry Joe!

20. Karen (Emma Thompson)

Karen is literally crying on a bed listening to Joni Mitchell. While crying and listening to Joni can – in certain circumstances – be an erotic experience, in this film, it is not. Alan Rickman’s betrayal shakes me to my very core. Not horny at all.

19. Daniel (Liam Neeson)

Liam Neeson is too busy in his grief and also busy helping his kid to get some??? that he has no time for any lust until the very end of the movie when he meets Claudia Schiffer. His is a sadness that does not lead to one-night stands, but instead just leads to becoming overly invested in the lives of your loved ones.

18. Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor)

Peter, Peter, Peter, walking around blissfully unaware that his best mate wants to see his wife naked. Wandering around in the world, happy and in love, with sex as just a fact of his existence. It just is a thing that he does, with his wife, Keira Knightley. The total lack of NEED keeps Peter down the bottom of the list.

17. The Porn Couple, John and Judy (Martin Freeman and Joanna Page)

The sweetness of the porn couple’s relationship totally juxtaposes the intimacy of their porn stand-in jobs. They’re simulating sex, and that’s not sexy. Affable, but not thirsty.

16. Juliet (Keira Knightley)

Juliet, even on the day of her wedding, never really seems to show a lot of horn. She’s always just hanging out on the couch with bae. When she gives her husband’s creepy mate, Mark, a quick peck, there’s no sizzle, no pop. Sorry, Juliet’s not horny.

15. Karl (Rodrigo Santoro)

Karl is obviously horny, but in a Christmas party kind of way. We don’t spend enough time with him to firmly establish a lusty timeline. We just know that after a few wines he’s ready to whip his shirt off. Yeah, that’s horny, but it just doesn’t compare.

14. Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz)

Aurelia, while indisputably into Jamie, doesn’t get to be the active person in this courtship. She’s just out living her life in her adopted home of France when he turns up and professes his ‘love’ for her. Desired, but less desiring, thus less horny.

13. Sam (Thomas Sangster)

This little boy is so sweetly horny that he runs through an airport to plant a kiss on his love interest. He adopts her hobbies to spend time with her. They’re the actions of a person who desperately yearns to try to kiss ~with tongue~. (I felt gross writing this, but I’m committed to the bit.)

12. Billy Mack (Bill Nighy)

Bill Nighy nudding up for this movie may be deeply erotic, but it doesn’t match the explicitly lusty actions of the people ahead of him in this ranking. Sure, he leaves Elton John’s party to go over to Joe’s house to watch porn, but isn’t that just a Tuesday for this old rockstar?

11. Natalie (Martine McCutcheon)

Should Natalie’s lust be higher? It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Hugh Grant can get it, but Natalie’s just not boldly sexual enough in her pursuit of her boss to make the top ten.

10. Mia (Heike Makatsch)

Yes, Mia wants to shag her boss. Yes, Mia is not quiet about wanting to shag her boss. It’s extremely horny areas. But she doesn’t go for some grand gesture to make that lust known, she just dresses sexy and demands gifts. A powerful energy – but not horny enough.

9. David (Hugh Grant)

If this was a ranking of who makes me the most horny, the answer is Hugh Grant. But as a lead in this movie, he’s not the most horny. I mean he’s absolutely fanging for a member of his staff, Natalie, knocking on doors in his pursuit of her, but it takes him such a long damn time to make a pass. Get it together.

8. Jamie (Colin Firth)

Colin Firth is so consumed by lust for the Portuguese woman who cleans his holiday house that he chases her to her other place of work to declare his love for her. He’s so bumbling and emotional for the first part of the movie, it makes total sense that he’d turn that emotion into thirst. Jamie is horny eventually.

7. Jamie’s Girlfriend And Brother (Sienna Guillory and Dan Fredenburgh)

What is hornier than cheating on your partner with his brother? It’s an unashamedly horny act. We see this couple for about two seconds through Jamie’s eyes, and in that time they reveal themselves as two of the most randy, deceitful people in the movie.

6. The US President (Billy Bob Thornton)

Billy Bob as the President is so horny for Natalie he needs to be reprimanded by Hugh Grant in a big speech. His horniness destroys the relationship between the US and the UK. A global root rat.

5. Mark (Andrew Lincoln)

Mark is so horny, and his love is so unrequited, that he was a contender for the top spot, until I remembered Colin’s plight. He’s just a bubble of frustration that bursts into a stack of very earnest cue cards. Mark is wanking at the thought of that peck from Juliet to the end of time.

4. The American Girls: Stacey, Jeannie, Carol-Anne and Harriet (Ivana Miličević, January Jones, Elisha Cuthbert and Shannon Elizabeth)

These women are so bewitched by Colin’s accent that they have a fivesome with him? It’s bizarre, deeply horny behaviour. And what about Harriet, “the sexy one”? She doesn’t even know this guy…

3. Harry (Alan Rickman)

Alan Rickman, you dirty dog!!!! To do that to Emma Thompson! That kind of blatant dirty dog-ism can come only from a deep well of horny energy, allowed to fester within you for literal years. Harry’s willingness to spit on his marriage to get close to a young woman in his office is thirst, pure and simple.

2. Sarah (Laura Linney)

Do you think this is too high a position for Sarah? Well back off, it’s my list. Sarah, by being thwarted in her desperate urge to fuck Karl after the Christmas party, has so much sexual frustration she could split in two. That’s horny af.

1. Colin (Kris Marshall)

Colin’s sole purpose in this movie is to fuck. He flies to America with little more than a backpack full of condoms, and he ends up in a five-way. Mission accomplished. He’s the indisputable horny king of the Love Actually universe.