Coming To Terms With The Fetishisation Of My Plus-Size Body On Dating Apps
Dating is weird when you’re plus-sized.
Women put up with a lot of bullshit on their quest for true love (or good sex). We deal with creepy Tinder messages, men who don’t own bed frames, boring conversation, and men who will start an interaction on a dating app with: ‘Cuddles?’. However, when you don’t fall into conventional beauty standards there’s a whole new and complex layer of dating to navigate: the fetish layer.
There’s a commonly held misconception that if you’re a plus-sized woman, it is harder for you to date. While I can only speak to my own experience, I have never found that, because — surprise, surprise — men are attracted to all types of women.
While women’s magazines did a great job of brainwashing women into believing that if they are big, they are also undesirable, men have never bought into that. Kate Moss saying “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” never stopped men from wanting to sleep with fat girls — though it may have launched a million body complex issues for women.
Getting On The Apps As A Plus-Size Woman
When I was younger, I thought my size would be a factor when trying to find a partner. I grew up in the ’00s, where Jessica Simpson was crucified for her weight. I believed men would only want to have sex with me, or be my boyfriend, if I had a stomach like Paris Hilton. I was very wrong.
When I first made my foray onto dating apps — back when there was only Tinder — I was met with a barrage of men complimenting me, almost exclusively about my body. It was confronting.
Men would match with me to tell me they would die to touch my full hips or insist that I ‘looked like a porn star’. Instead of ‘Hello, how are you?’ they would message me explicit details of what they’d like to do to my body. And I seemed to be getting it more than any of my thin friends.
My plus-size status in the dating world hasn’t made me matronly or left me in the ‘friend zone’ — instead, I’ve been over-sexualised.
Men, Try Saying Less
On the apps there are men who have told me their favourite porn category is ‘BBW’ (Big Beautiful Woman). There’s the guy I went on two dates with who said he found me attractive because I looked like I could ‘take a pounding’. And there are countless men, who have referenced time and time again, that I am just their ‘type’, before making it clear they aren’t referring to the fact I’m brunette.
These men think they’re being complimentary but, of course, it is unnerving to feel like you have been reduced to your body — that perhaps they wouldn’t be interested if you didn’t remind them of porn they liked on the internet.
I often wonder if my smaller friends feel like this? Whether men spend dates with skinny women explaining to them why they are attracted to them — or if that’s just a given?
Just As Many Matches, Just As Many Dates
While my non-plus size friends can roll their eyes at my all-too-familiar shitty dating stories — the guy that ‘forgets’ his wallet, the man that mansplains your own job to you, or the dude that exclusively talks about his ex — they will never truly understand the complexities — and positives — of dating as a plus-sized woman.
For all the fetishisation and over-sexualisation, being my size has never meant I get less matches, less interest, less sex, less dates, or less chance of falling in love.
Though I’ll never pretend my dating life is all cocktails and meet-cutes, my experience on the apps is a constant reminder that no matter how bad I’m feeling about my body, there are always men out there that would beg to see me naked — as they bloody well should.
This story was part of Back On The Apps week at Punkee: where we dug into the good, the bad, and the highly questionable when it comes to using dating apps. Find more of our content here.