15 Signs Your High School Friend Has Fallen Victim To A Pyramid Scheme
In 2021, there’s a really strong chance that someone you went to high school with is now trying to carve out a career selling essential oils via Instagram DMs.
Maybe you noticed a not-so-subtle change in their social media presence. Like, one minute they were Caitlyn from high school who you sat next to in math class, and the next they were Coach Cait: Wellness Warrior and Light Chaser (find your inner sparkle!)
Or perhaps they slid into your DMs without even following you again first (rude) and addressed you kind of like an old friend, yet kind of like a complete stranger.
“✨ Hey babe! ✨” they said. “Hope things are well for you. I have been on this incredible journey…”
(“I didn’t ask!” you desperately thought.)
“…and when I was meditating by my moonlit-charged crystals the other night, your face came into my third eye…”
(“WHAT??” you scream, looking around your room in horror as though they’re going to pop up sitting on the edge of your bed.)
“…and now that I’ve opened my mind and heart to the powers of inner light, I’ve learned how to cope with stress in a much more healthy way. So girlie! That made me think of you. I’ve heard you’re in a high-stress job and I have a three-pack of oils that will CHANGE your life. I’ll throw in for free a guide I wrote to Meditating Your Way Into Magic…”
(“Magic Mushrooms???” you desperatey ask no one.)
“…and if you sign up monthly, you’ll get personalised videos from me into your inbox every morning to wash away your night terrors while you then dab some lavender-infused oil onto your eyelids and just below your belly button to relax the nervous system and it’ll only cost you $43.99 a month…”
Anyway, you catch the drift.
literally not a single person:
pyramid scheme girls before they try to sell you shampoo: pic.twitter.com/1NdvYhLW70
— emily (@emilysalatuk) May 1, 2019
There are all kinds of wacky MLM schemes out there, and watching that one chick you used to know from high school fall victim to one is somewhat amusing and concerning.
Whether your old mate is selling Arbonne, Doterra, or they’re someone who now believes they’ve transformed themselves through the power of a five-minute dance and is now teaching coaching seminars on how YOU can achieve the MOST out of your LIFE, because we ONLY live ONCE, so pay me $750 and COME TO MY RETREAT!, the internet can be a worrying place.
I just poured essential oils all over my body so hopefully that fixes everything
— maybe: jada (@Juda__9) May 3, 2019
Without further ado, here are the 15 signs your old high school friend has fallen victim to a Pyramid Scheme:
90% of the Instagram stories I see are girls that I went to high school with promoting their pyramid schemes
— Red-Ass Reynolds (@reynolds_2021) January 10, 2021
1. They’ve slid into your DMs saying, “Hey babe, I know we haven’t spoken for a while but…”
2. They’re posting face-to-camera Instagram stories that don’t hit any relevant point in the first two minutes.
3. They now have a mantra for each day of the week.
4. They’re obsessed with essential oils.
5. They put up Instagram stories recharging their crystals by the moonlight.
6. Their social media bios now list them as a “coach” or “wellness warrior” or “boss babe”.
7. They’ve stopped blinking in all their videos.
8. They post motivational quotes over photos of themselves doing yoga or stretching.
9. There are suddenly 27 different highlights in vague categories on their Instagram profiles.
10. They carry on about the perks of being “self-employed” even though you have no understanding about what they do.
11. Other people have started commenting on their Instagram posts with “so excited for this journey!” and “you’re doing amazing babe, can’t wait to see you kicking goals.”
12. They’ve started promoting going on “retreats” and trying to get you to buy into their five-day course on self-development and finding the yin to your yang or some bullshit.
13. They have obscure, long-winded Instagram captions about being excited for the future and a new opportunity while somehow not telling you what that opportunity is.
14. They hide the fact they probably still work a second job.
15. Every social media caption uses one, if not all of the words: “growth”, “journey”, “goals”, “progression”, “energy”, “empowered”, “vibes,” and “frequency”, and also uses an emoji like ✨ ✨✨ to break up every paragraph.
As a parting thought though, I would absolutely watch this.
How have they never made a reality tv show for people in pyramid schemes
— roza (@rorororoza) January 9, 2021