The Definitive Ranking Of AFL Teams Based On How Hot The Players Are
Let’s get something straight. This is not a list about which AFL player does the best dribble kicks or which player can deliver the best rundown tackles.
This is a list that matters.
Some of you out there watch AFL for the sport, and that’s great. I’m glad you have a hobby. We, however, see the game for what it truly is, and that is hot, lean, tall, perfect men running around in short shorts and not answering my flame emoji DMs.
We spent the last year carefully analysing each team, player by player, to ensure maximum hotness calculation efficacy. And now, after months of research, we finally have put together the only list you need.
Which AFL team has the hottest players, ranked.
18. North Melbourne
The Kangaroos can hop under my doona any day of the week! There is something about a boy with a ‘stache that just gets me going. But that could be the daddy issues talking.
Every single one of them is rigged up, has huge biceps/great skin, and they’re ready to break my heart (and my back) if I needed. Their only flaw is that they radiate ‘for the boys’ vibes – so good luck getting a date on pub night.
17. Carlton
I’ll take a tall glass of Carlton, please! But if Lewis Young doesn’t show up then I want a refund.
Carlton boys feel so bad but look so good. Every one of them has arms that could crush you, and fingers that could… hold the ball steadily in place for a congratulatory goal.
The Blues all look like the type of guys who would have 6’9 on their Hinge profile when in reality they’re probably 5’9. I’m looking at you, Patrick Cripps.
16. Brisbane Lions
The Brisbane Lions make me want to take up streaking.
Seeing those guys in their maroon, blue, and gold is truly enough to get me roaring. Every single one of them gets me in a permanent sweat – I think it’s something about how they’re all quad-ed up to the nines.
Lions have some of the freshest haircuts amongst all of the teams. From mullets to fades to Prince Charming vibes – these boys know how to keep it classy.
15. Melbourne FC
The Demons can smite me any day…
FC boys are tall studs who you wouldn’t want to take home to your parents. The bad boy/fuckboy energy is the type where they’ll treat you mean but always keep you keen.
One thing is for sure: these guys have got rigs of the Gods. Each one of them looks as though you could grate cheese on their abs. Suddenly I’m craving cheese… and abs.
14. Adelaide FC
The Crows are THIQQQ AF. All of that training has served them well, because every time I watch one of their games, I picture them crushing me with their quads.
Also, have you ever noticed how big Ben Keay’s hands are? Perfect for… scoring goals. I’m just going to say it.
13. Port Adelaide
There must be something in the water at Alberton because those Power boys have got some MAJOR dump trucks.
We already know that Adelaide boys hit different, but for some reason they’re all so dummy thicc that I don’t even know how to handle myself. I’m talking Rihanna CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE all night long!
Other than their juicy doubles, Port Adelaide boys look like MAJOR heartbreakers. The type to randomly ghost you after a couple of dates and then you’re left wondering what’s wrong with you. And yet… you keep sending them messages because you think you can change them! Travis Boak, we’re talking to you.
12. Collingwood
Did someone say wood?
Collingwood are the only type of Magpies who I’d let swoop on me any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, they all look like major red flags and radiate fuckboy energy, but when have I ever said no to a red flag?
11. Fremantle
This is going to sound mean, but we mean it as a total compliment… y’all ever heard of ugly hot?
It’s a guy who is not conventionally attractive by your usual male beauty standards, but something about his edginess and his attitude just makes you want to rip his clothes off then and there.
Think Pete Davidson vibes: while he is not your regular type of hotness, I would honestly let him run me over with a car.
10. Sydney Swans
The Swannies are born models. They’ve got chiselled jaws, perfect hair, great smiles, and a rock hard… set of abs.
They most definitely skip leg day but that’s well forgiven when they’re so statuesque. They’re the type of hot that grows on you. For example, the first time we looked at Buddy Franklin we were like “meh, he’s alright”, but just like a fine wine he aged to perfection and now I would do anything just for some eye contact.
Their major flaw is that these boys radiate fish photo energy. Don’t believe me?
9. West Coast Eagles
If I die and go to heaven, please send the West Coast Eagles my way.
Speaking of BDE (Big Dad Energy), Josh Kennedy, Dom Sheed and Nic Nat radiate this hard, and I don’t even know if they have kids. They all are top-heavy, have amazing teeth, and probably are skilled in the art of a great pick-up line.
Sadly, most of the hot ones are taken, and similarly…I mean…see for yourself, Jamie Cripps:
8. Essendon
Forget the Bombers for a second… have you seen their coaches?
Daddy…what? Daddy….WHAT? DADDY….WHAAT??!!
An Essendon boy’s jawline could cut me in half. They are 6ft+ of God-like perfection, and exactly the type of man I would want to make my ex jealous AF.
Bomber boys give us major shower vibes – and yes that means that they look like they shower regularly. We love a clean man with a good skincare routine, and these boys radiate it! I reckon Matt Guelfi has a twelve-step routine and I want to be present for all twelve steps of them.
7. Hawthorn Football Club
The reason I despise the Hawks is that all of the good ones are taken!
Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no chance with any of these men, but somewhere in a galaxy far far away, there is a parallel universe where myself + all the hot AFL players are dating, and having a wife and kids just makes it feel fake!!!
Hawthorn men seem wholesome. They seem like the type of guys who would wine and dine you and hold the door open for you when they pick you up. Absolutely gentlemen they are, and not to mention the looks!
@JaegerO’Meara! Your wife and kids are beautiful but if you ever feel like talking, give us a buzz!
6. Greater Western Sydney
Anyone else wondering how ‘giant’ these boys truly are?
The Giant’s radiate BDE, and not in the way you think. Big Daddy Energy – there are just so many hot dads! Most of them are married so out of respect to the amazing wives out there we will keep it PG, but let’s just say, Shane Mumford could get it…
But btw if I die, please send Josh Kelly and Stephen Coniglio up to my room and I’ll be sweet.
5. St Kilda Football Club
If all Saints looked like St Kilda, I would have spent a lot more time in church.
St Kilda is the team of biceps. Every single one of them is curled up and ready to put me in a chokehold. There’s just something about a man with big arms that’s so…. invigorating.
The Saints also seem like the type of boys who would pick you up on your first date and pay for dinner. This may sound like a given but, trust us, we’ve got some horror stories.
Lastly, I’m just going to say what everyone else is thinking. Jack Steele could get it!
4. Richmond Football Club
Tiger in the streets….Tiger in the sheets? I’ll take it!
This section is going to be what we like to call: the Dustin Martin appreciation section.
We all know it – Dusty just hits different. From his chiselled muscles to his bad boy sleeve, I would genuinely let Dustin Martin run a train over me and I’d probably say thank you.
Now, if you focus really hard and beyond Dusty (it’s hard), the rest of the Tigers are almost up if not equal to his level. They all are 12 feet tall, have amazing bone structure, and radiate bad boy Richmond vibes that make you feel naughty just for fantasising!
3. Gold Coast Suns
I mean…have you seen Lachie Weller?
IDK what is in the GC Sun, but every single one of these boys has the most perfect skin, it’s almost unfair. No joke, I need a skincare routine from Matt Rowell because that man has not had to suffer the sight of a pimple in his life.
Now I’m just going to say what we’re all thinking. Touk Miller is 6 feet of absolute GOD. Watching that man play feels like I’m doing something wrong. Throw in Wil Powell and I need to take a 5-minute break…
2. Western Bulldogs
The Bulldogs could ask me to bark and I’d go…
Whenever I watch Western Bulldogs play, I feel like I’m doing something naughty. Every single one of them is tall, tanned, gorgeous, great teeth, and most likely well-showered.
These men are almost too good looking to be playing AFL. They should be on a beach somewhere in the Amalfi Coast gearing up for fashion week.
Bailey Smith as we all know = total package. But let’s not overlook Dunkley, Ugle-Hagan, Wood, or even Liberatore. Honestly, I could name the whole team list here as there isn’t one who isn’t drop dead perfection. I have a business idea – Tinder… but JUST for Western Bulldogs players. I’d be stuck on a permanent swipe right.
1. Geelong Cats
Tie me up to a goalpost and kick me a goal because we have scored!
The cats are hand-crafted Gods. Every time I watch one of their games, I instantly melt into an ice cream sundae ready to be slurped at all night long.
Sometimes I just imagine Shaun Higgins/Tom Hawkins/Esava Ratugolea coming home after a long day of training, all messy and tired, ready for a rub down…
The downside? Most of them are taken! These men are relationship men and aren’t about to be out in the streets and into your sheets in a minute. They’re respectable, well-mannered, great individuals, and that’s why we want to break them.
Break up with your girlfriends, boys! Cos we’re bored!
–
This article was written by a freelancer who wishes to remain anonymous so he can still get into AFL games in the future.